Glad to hear you’re feeling a little better. 
Each little step brings you closer to healing. I am sure in a few months you’ll be able to look back on this thread and be amazed by how far you’ve come.
John,
I don’t have any better advice than what’s already in this thread, but am sending all the best wishes to you. Please, take care of yourself. It sounds like you’ve got a better handle on how to do that. I frequently take walks around NYC to cool off or to contemplate. All the best – my email is in my profile if you want to talk!
Amy
I know everyone here is pretty much saying the same thing, but I want to say that raz and Magus are right.
You have to completely cut yourself off from her.
See, this will just make it all take longer. This relationship is over. She’s not trying to hurt you, but the hurt is unavoidable. You’re going to have to get yourself new habits, a new take on life. You can’t do that if you’re always seeing her, always thinking about her, always hoping she’ll come back.
She won’t.
Like everyone else who’s posted, I’ve had a bad breakup. For months afterwards, every moment I was awake I felt like I was about to die from sheer heartbreak. I thought of killing myself just to stop the pain of it. After a few months, it became a sort of dull ache that I just forced myself to live through. Then one morning about a year later I woke up and felt odd, really strange. It was a beautiful day, and as I got dressed, and then was walking to work in the sunshine, I couldn’t figure out why I felt the way I did, or even what I was feeling. Then I realized I was happy, just because the sun was shining and the birds were singing.
It took that long just to feel human again. I never thought I would, but I did. You’ve got to hang on–it will be all right. But it’s going to take longer to recover, the longer you draw this out. You’re looking for a new job–that’s good. Get a new place, heck, buy yourself some new clothes, something you’d never have worn before. Get some new furniture, something wild and frivolous. Find someplace to eat out, or a hobby, or a special interest club, or something that seems interesting but you’ve never tried. Leave your socks on the bathroom floor, and leave the toilet seat up. Shake up your routine, and make a new one. And most importantly, do not email or call or even speak to this girl ever again. Don’t call her to say you’re breaking off contact. Don’t answer her if she emails you (she won’t, but just make the policy now so you’re clear about things).
And here’s the thing–and you won’t believe this right now, no matter how many people say it–the day will come when you realize that this was actually a good thing. She’s not for you. It will be better for you without her, she’s doing you a favor by breaking up. It would be far worse for this relationship to have gone on even longer, and far better that you’re free to find the one that is right. It’s out there, it will come. In the meantime, take care of yourself.
Hang in there, you’ll be okay.
I gently suggest taking charge of this situation. You will feel empowered.
There’s nothing worse than being at the mercy of someone else.
YOU need to decide you won’t have any more contact with her.
YOU need to accept that it is over, that a relationship between you two is not in the card.
YOU need to take care of YOURSELF.
Think of the advice you would give to a friend if he/she were in your shoes. Treat yourself the way you would treat that friend - be kind, understanding, supportive, positive, and REALISTIC. Don’t give yourself false hope, don’t give yourself an excuse to contact her, and do NOT sell yourself short.
You are NOT defined by your relationship.
Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.
S.
Kinthalis, as I told you in your previous thread, I went through this exact same thing. I went into counseling and it helped me realize that it wasn’t healthy for me to lose my purpose in life because some guy didn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore. I took a long, hard look at myself to figure out why I was so devastated by this loss, and I changed for the better. I’m much stronger now and I’m actually friends with my ex and his girlfriend with nary a twinge. In fact, I look back on the whole thing now and roll my eyes at myself for being so dependent and needy. I’m never going back to that again.
Would you consider getting counseling? If nothing else, it’s a person who will listen to you and help you work through it. It’s also a person who will listen even when your friends get sick of hearing about it. Be picky, find a therapist who you like and makes you feel comfortable, but I do highly recommend this for you.
We don’t want to lose you over this, man. You know that old saw “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem”? That applies here. Yes, this pain is temporary. You don’t believe it now, but it is. Just remember that the sooner you stop seeing her, the sooner you’ll stop thinking about her. Move on with your life and keep us posted, will ya?
Dude, a lot of us have been there. I completely sympathize. I once went to my pastor and told him I’d completely given up. Really. On everything.
I feel for you, man. But I’m going to do a bit of what he did for me.
You’re NOT going to go back to your dead end spot. Do you hear me???!!! YOU’RE NOT GOING BACK THERE. It will not help anything.
You’re going to do tomorrow whatever it is that you normally do. Go to school, go to work, talk to someone about something different.
Then get ahold of a wise older person, a pastor, an actual counselor. Talk until you have it all out. A lot of your problem is not being able to vent about this. Get it all out and then take some comforting. It’s very good to get a big hug and have a moment when everything isn’t horrible.
I also agree that you should stop seeing this girl entirely. Even if she wanted to get back together, I think your state isn’t a good place to start a relationship again. Really emotionally mature people get upset at this kind of thing, but they manage to have a grain of perspective that there is a point when this will end.
I think you need to get away and remember that there is more to the world than this awful situation.
Blessings and prayers follow from me.
Dave
You’re in Hoboken. Good. This helps for what I’m gonna suggest that you do.
Go to Coney Island. Seriously. Forget about all of your worries, all your cares, all of the indignities you’ve recently suffered. Become one of the mass of people being scared out of their minds on a rickety wooden rollercoaster.
If you need a longer respite than an evening at the amusement park, then you might want to do this:
Borrow or rent a sports car. Doesn’t need to be fancy; a Miata, Toyota MR2, or Honda CRX will be just fine. What you need is a responsive, fun-to-drive car.
Ask your boss for a long weekend off. You need time to think about the end of the relationship; and conversely, you need time to not think about anything human even more.
You need to leave your typical haunts, leave without any traces of her except the ones that are on your mind. Take no more with you than a toothbrush, spare underwear, and a pair of portraits of Benjamin Franklin.
Now, head up the New York State Thruway. When you get up near Albany, stay on I-87 North. Get off at Exit 6 and take a right onto Route Two East.
You’re now in for the ride of your life. You’re up in the Berkshire Mountains. The scenery is straight out of a Lord of The Rings movie. The road is right out of a tire ad - it demands absolute, total, and unwavering concentration. You’ve now absolutely forgotten everything you were thinking about before. You’re completely absorbed in something that may be entirely new for you. As you tear up the big, sweeping corners and roar through mountains that you can reach out and touch yet are sheer cliffs hundreds of feet high, you’ll be in something of a trance. This is what people spend tens of thousands of dollars per year going amateur racing seek - it’s a completely legal rush beyond that of any drug. It enhances the senses far beyond where they’ve been for years of city living. It’s a sunny, wide-open relief from the dark clouds over you at home.
Catch a Red Sox game in Boston, if they’re playing, and in the morning walk a segment of the Freedom Trail. You’ve got to get away from your normal environment; and Boston’s quite a change from New York or Hoboken.
What?
You missed the advice I offered previously?
Reach between your legs, just at the juncture of the two thighs. Do you feel any dangling bits there? If not, you are missing a dick and some balls. Grow some.
If you do feel anything there, hold the package until you start to get some pride, some message of identity. When you feel as if you are whole and complete as a person, come back and seek advice on what to do with your new surprise.
SS, are you trying to post a parody of ineffectual and insensitive advice?
Hey Sysie, while I’m sure you play with your nether regions on a regular basis and can be quite sure you have your equipment, I suggest you see a doctor to make sure you have your digestive tract. Because only a gutless tird would say something like that.
Insenstive, maybe, but it’s exactly what the OP needs to do. It’s easier said than done but it’s the hard truth.
Haj
I’m aware the the OP and we cannot just wait for someone else to make everything better, and that we are responsible for standing up and taking part in our own recovery, but I can’t imagine a decent counselor ever saying that phrase in that manner, or leaving out so much of the rest of the equation.
Ummm…
“I’m aware that both the OP and we cannot just wait”
Although not as nasty as yours, I went through a nasty breakup, too.
First- TALK TO SOMEONE. You need to vent, otherwise that anger will fester inside of you, and we all know what happens if something is allowed to fester for too long-POW! None of us want you to go POW.
Second, use music as an outlet. When I was going through my nasty breakup, [this song](www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/ alanismorissette/yououghtaknow.html) helped me vent.
Third, keep us posted. If we survived it, so can you.
FWIW, it took 5 years, but the ex and I are now best friends. We realized that we were too young to be that serious, but that the relationship and the breakup helped us grow. We apologized to each other for things we said in anger. Both of us are married, but to different people. He attended my wedding. He wanted me at his wedding to my former roommate (no, he did not leave me for her), but ironically enough, she wouldn’t let him invite me (and she did not attend my wedding, even though she was invited) because of a grudge she has been holding for 10 years (she says I accused her of stealing him… I honestly can’t remember if I did or not (I have about 3 months I can’t remember), and does it really matter now?) . My husband is fine with our friendship.
Granted, I know this situation is not normal, but it’s a sign of hope.
I must like parentheses.
I keep reading what all of you say, and most of you are saying that I should comepltely let go, NOW, the sooner the better, otherwise the pain will never diminish.
We’ll you’re right.
I’m hopeless though. No matter how many times I read over your posts (and I printed many of them out), no matter how many times I say to myself “don’t call her, don’t write her, leave her be”. I end up ruining things.
I keep calling her, I keep hoping. And she keeps sending me mixed signals I just don’t know what to do.
I shouldn’t go back to that dead end, right? I knew that too, but I went back. I sped up and I made it a little closer. In fact I went on the sidewalk and a traffic cop asked what happenned. I told her I mixed up the pedals.
I’m such an idiot, why can’t I let her go? Why can’t I let her GO?? WHY??
Why can’t the pain just go away, just let me live.
Damnit, even when I walked in the city I found myself walking by “our” places.
The bank, the old club where we met, the cafe where we had our first date in front of Tompkins Park, Washington square park where we spent several afternoons and where I first held her hand, our favorite sushi place, St. Marks Place.
It’s my own fault, I keep doing this to myself, idiot me, I keep hurting, and have no one to blame but myself.
She called me sunday morning, the fire alarm in the apartment wasn’t working and she asked me to come over and fix it. I rushed over and changed the batteries for her. She told she cooked for me (my favorite) and she forze some fo rme to take home.
I realized later though, that she probably didn’t cook it for me. She probably invited him over to eat.
She took out the her guitar, the guitar I tought her to play on, the music we used to play together.
I wonder, did she sing to him? Did she play for him???
I know I shouldn’t ask those things. I know I should forget. I think I deserver the harsher posts on this thread so far. I’m thinking only a punch in the face is going to make me see reason.
Today is another day. I just hope I get through it.
Oh Kinthalis. You’re breaking my heart. I really do know what you’re going through. There’s one thing I might not understand. Didn’t she in effect cheat on you? Didn’t she tell you she had been seeing this guy for a while before you broke up? Let me tell you something: if she did that before she will do it again. How can you trust her? You can’t. If she’s got it in her to cheat, she’s got it in her to do other nasty things, like lie.
I’m sure I’m gonna get shit from a lot of other Dopers who may have cheated and have changed their ways, but I don’t care. I have had experience. You gotta be strong and put your foot down and realize. You deserve someone who is trustworthy. She never will be. I don’t care what she says.
And having you over to fix her fire alarm? WTF? WHy didn’t she call the guy she’s seeing now? She is fucking with you, man. I’m sure she’s feeling pretty mixed up, too, but she’s gotta know what that’s doing to you. She could have a heart.
Walk away. If she calls again say no! Say you won’t see her. Don’t see her. The longer you stay away the easier it will get. Eventually your head will clear and you will see the right path for yourself. And you will know when you are making the right choices. YOU WILL KNOW.
Luck and love to you Kinthalis,
PussyCow
Leave town, Kin.
I know what you’re going through, but you’ve got to force yourself to do it. Block the emails. Don’t answer the phone–screen the calls. Just do it. Decide now that you will, and then keep it in your mind, that it’s what you’re going to do. And then you need to get a new place and don’t give her the phone number.
Then take a vacation. How’s your savings? Even a short distance away will be beneficial. Take that drive a previous poster recommended, and find a motel at the end of the road. Go fishing for a weekend. Hit a few tourist spots in a nearby town. Anything that gets you out of there for a few days, or longer if you can afford it.
Just do it. Make yourself do it. Don’t just say “I can’t!” Make up your mind and do it. Remember that guy who was hiking in the mountains and got stuck and had to cut his own hand off? I’m sure he didn’t want to do that. I’m sure he hated it every moment, and every moment he was probably saying “I can’t do this. I just can’t.” But he did, and he’s still alive because of it. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and just do it.
Maybe thinking of it this way will help–she’s got to break habits, too. She could be calling the New Guy, but she isn’t. Why? It’s not because she’s thinking of getting back together. She’s used to calling you. Bets are, she doesn’t want to hurt you, or send you mixed signals, but habits die hard. The sooner you’re firm about it, the sooner she’ll stop, and the sooner you’ll stop hurting. If you absolutely can’t resist picking up the phone next time, politely suggest she call the new boyfriend for help or company, and then wish her a good evening and hang up. It’ll hurt, but she’ll get the point.
But it’s better if you just don’t pick up the phone. Maybe get call blocker?
Do what you need to take care of yourself.
It’s hard to let go of someone you loved and was such a big part of your life, especially for such a long period of time. Give it some time.
Kinthalis, do you have any family members or a best friend who lives out of town but within driving distance? Can you take a few days off and visit someone who is 100% on your side, just grieve and be away from contact with her? Or have a friend/relative visit you? That’s what I did when I went through my horrific break up. Between that and therapy, I only lost most of my dignity, not all of it. You need to take time away from her before you lose all of yours. This is not how you want to reunite with her.
Also, think about this: if she took you back right now, would things really be like they were before? No matter how idyllic and wonderful this idea sounds right now, I can promise you, things would be totally changed. At first, you’d feel really relieved, but in a short time, the relief will recede and you will start to to think clearly about your break up. You will wonder about the nature of her relationship with this other guy. Jealousy and mistrust will rise up and taint every aspect of your relationship. The magnitude of her betrayal and the ordeal she’s putting you through now will dawn on you, and your anger (which is there even now, though you might not know it yet) will bubble up inside you. Eventually, most likely, you’ll break up again, but not before you go through a punishing, painful struggle with her.
This is just my prediction and is obviously not necessarily what will happen to you. I realize that people take back those who have cheated on them and go on to have long, successful relationships. Maybe I’m projecting, but there’s no way I could ever live with infidelity and betrayal for any length of time. Once my trust is destroyed, no matter how much I might love that person, it’s over. I want you to consider what effect recent events would have on your future with this woman. Could you ever trust her again? Would you ever be able to put thoughts of “the other man” out of your mind? Or would you always wonder, always want to ask her probing questions, always be fearful that she’ll leave you again?
Think long and hard before you hurl yourself headlong into a reunion with this confused, untrustworthy, indecisive woman. You deserve better!
Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention-- STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!! Your reactions to this are totally normal, as awful as they might be for you. This self-flagellation and low self esteem is part of why you’re so terrified of life without her. The fact that you don’t think much of yourself is what makes you feel like you’re nothing without her. It ain’t so. Love yourself for a while, warts and all.
I’m full of pithy advice, aren’t I? :dubious: