Kinthalis, Like many others who have posted here I have also experienced the break up of a long time relationship. I had similiar thoughts and reactions that you are having. The hardest part for me was realizing that it would get better in time, but it does. That may be of little comfort to you at this time but it is true. You will heal and one of the best things that you can do is to work on yourself. I became a better person through this and that is important because it is something that cannot be taken away from you and will vastly improve any relationship that you enter into in the future. Try to keep busy and do new things or improve on some of your current interests. Keep talking with people who have been down this path because they can provide valuable knowledge and insights.
{{{{Kinthalis}}}}
I have no words of wisdom or anything of that. All I can offer is my sincere sympathy and to second other’s advice to talk to someone. Anyone. Just someone, to vent to. Keep coming here, if you need to. Just stay away from that dead end.
Hey everyone,
Just made it back from work. Been trying to keep busy as much as I possibly can. I’t like I’m running away from the pain, from the loneliness. If I find myself with nothing to do it’ll hit me, so I try to keep busy.
Atleast that’s how it shoudl work in theory, unfortunately, even when I’m busy, it hits me. I did skip the dead end today. I’ll try to skip it tommorrow.
I don’t know why but I wrote her an email yesterday. I shouldn’t have. Definately said some things I shouldn’t of said. She called back angry. Saying how I shouldn’t listen to anyone about the future of our relantionship (mainly that we are already over). I told her these good people are only giving me advice and from experience.
You know I can’t help but read things into this. Probably too much. Does she still care? Even if she does, as some of you have pointed out, could it ever be the same again?
I went my friend (who finally came back) to grab a bite to eat, I got so upset talking about what happenned, it was the first time I had a person in front of me to listen. But I realized just how different we are then. He felt uncomfortable when I talked about it, and specially when I cried. He’s a “tough guy” type. So I stoppped talking about it, specially since he had nothing really to say, I didn’t want to continue making him uncomfortable.
It made me feel even more alone though, even my friend is not available to me for this. The only flesh and blood person I have to talk to is her. And I do want to talk to her, she knows me better than anyone, she’s my best friend, and yet I can’t talk to her, for all the reasons in the world I can’t.
I love the SDMB, it’s given me an outlet for all this pain and sadness. I think without it I’d already be the 2 minute blurb on the news.
Thank you dopers, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Hey, Kinthalis, I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. I’m glad you were able to get by that dead-end today, and hope you’ll be able to keep up the good work. Also, please, please, please - get some sort of help. Email one of us if you need to - just talk to someone and don’t keep it all inside. Cry if you need to and keep yourself busy.
I went through a horrible break-up several years past. I thought my heart was breaking. I plodded through the days, one at a time, going to work all the time with swollen puffy eyes, until one day I woke up not thinking of him. Of course, it only lasted a few minutes, then I remembered and the tears came again, but as the weeks wore on, those times of not thinking of him grew and grew until I only thought of him only occasionally, and then only to shake my head and think “Why did I waste so much time on him?” Even while I was grieving, I realized that, as painful as it was, at least I was able to go through every day not wondering if today would be the day things went bad. I had more freedom than I had had in years. Stuff that I enjoyed that had been labeled off-limits because of his tastes was now fair game. My biggest acts of defiance were to play horrible music really loud and get a cat. Pretty lame acts of defiance, yes, but one of his habits was to quiz me on classical music. He’d stick a CD in the CD player, ask me “What key is this played in? Period? Composer? Style?” He would really lay into me if I got it wrong. And when I wanted to get a cat, as though I were a little child, he refused, even though we didn’t live together. These little acts of defiance were the smallest little things, but they meant the world to me. Even more important was not having that emotional cloud hanging over me.
I was no longer waiting for the bottom to drop out, because it already had. He had dumped me. The world didn’t end, I was still alive, and there was nowhere to go but up. So remember that - there’s nowhere to go but up. Keep driving by that dead end. Don’t stop. Take another route if you have to. Try not to e-mail her again. Most importantly, find someone to talk to. As soon as possible.
You’ll get through this. You will.
When does she plan to decide and let you know? How long are you willing to wait? It seems to me that she’s playing with you, stringing you along as her back up man should things with her new guy not work out. If she’s so unsure about you, why do you want to be with her? This is not fair to you, and if you’re anything like me, someday soon you’ll realize that she’s taking you for granted and you will become very angry. Best to allow that emotion to wash over you while you are single.
This is the heart of why this break up has been so hard on you. She’s the center of your world. You love her more than you love herself, and you have no identity of your own or life of your own without her. I am not saying this to make you feel bad about yourself. I think a lot of people on this thread have been there, including me. I also think most of us would agree that the healthiest course of action for you would be to walk away from her and work on building up yourself and your life. Make some friends you can talk to. Start to feel better about yourself. It’ll be hard at first, but in the end, you’ll be so much happier.
Kin, I hate to say it, but the worse is yet to come. Someday, probably quite soon, you are going to sit down at your computer and attempt to…deep breath…write poetry.
You think things are bad now?
Wait until you read what you come up with then. Earthquakes will rumble through New England as Robert Frost spins in his grave. The soul of ee cummings will cry out across the ages, and suddenly nobody will use capitol letters anymore (Wait a minute. Do you read 'net blogs. This is already happening, beware!). Cats and dogs, living together, MASS HYSTERIA! It won’t be pretty, oh, no, no, no. Not pretty at all. Take the advise offered here and start moving on, because if you don’t, if you allow the wallow to continue to the point of poetry, you will regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
I offer, strictly from an educational standpoint, a sample of what I wrote back in the day. It was a true epic, encompassing the themes of kings, queens and midevil society (I warned you…). To this day, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I drink, no matter how many times I have physically opened up my head and abraded my brain manually with a Dremmel tool…I still remember the first and last verses:
“My life is a prison,
from which I must flee.
The warden pursues me
Her name is Krissy”
“So if life were a castle,
with rank and all that.
The men would be kings,
the women, the rats.”
FOR GOD’S SAKE, STOP THE INSANITY BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE!!!
It doesn’t have to get that bad!!
Oh Weirddave, my heart cries out to you!
One of the things that people are not expressing here is HOW to move on. I have just come out of a 7 year relationship including a 2 year marriage. One thing I learned that maybe I can pass on is a very simple premise.
Don’t look back. Look forward.
Your life right now is an open book. Write something amazing on it to show her when you eventually meet up again. What goes around comes around and God will let you see it. She will feel your pain. But the thing is, right now she sees you as weak and a pushover. This gives her power that no one has the right to have. One of the foremost experts on how to win your love back states that you should agree with everything she says. Always. Even that you shouldn’t see her anymore. Stick to it. Don’t see her. Make her see a different, stronger side of you. Do well. Plan to go to night school. Better yourself somehow. Take up a new sport. Read some incredible books. Buy some new clothes, get a new haircut. Definitely get a new attitude. Practice being the person you admire. Practice making people laugh. Guys who can make me laugh are hot, no matter what they look like. Concentrate on your life and make it better. It will win not only your own self respect, but hers too. If and when you see her on the street with the next loser in line, she will look at you and wonder why she ever left you.
And when you are alone at night, turn on the comady channel and practice, practice, practice. Or just sit down and laugh.
I feel for you. It’s hard to let go. One of the hardest things you’ll do. But it would probably be in your best interest to do so.
Sensual lips, your advice is invaluable.
As I was reading your post I was writting to her, I was saying something I’ve heard before and told her a long time ago (don’t know where the quote is though):
“In the book that is my memory, on the first page of the chapter when I met you, Are written the words: ‘Here begins a New Life’”.
Maybe it should be: “…on the first chapter when I lost you…”
Thanks everyone.
I am so glad I could help. Please don’t stop posting how things are going for you. Maybe a journal link. I for one would like to see how well you write this next great chapter of your life. It might be fun for you too! Lots of Dopers have links to journals on their profile.
Kinthalis I was wondering how things are going for you. Any updates? I have a link you might like to see also…for the next time this happens. Trust me it will. I have a saying “the only way to know it’s forever is to die.”
This link is absolutely on the mark and it helps dealing with people in business and in general. It just about changed my life.
[link removed]
I’m not sure if the link provided by Sensualips is against Board rules or not. It may just be…uhh…sketchy, while not particularly against the rules. It links to a PDF of an electronic book that is available for purchase. The link bypasses the need to purchase the book. Certainly it is the author’s fault for not adequately protecting it from undesired download, but I also don’t think that SDMB really wants to have a link here.
I am so sorry, Cajun Man but you must have ended my subscription to this thread also I never recieved an email when new emails were posted. I was just checking my past threads when I saw this.
This book is available at the library so I thought it would not be harmful. I did not purchase it, but found it in a search. Is it ok to post the name of the book? or the Author?
Hmm, has anyone heard from Kinthalis lately? I hope he is doing better now. Kinthalis, if you’re reading, please let us know how things are going for you!
Apology noted.
I just checked and your Notification Type still says “Instant email notification.”
Yes, you may recommend the book . . . title and author.
Cajun Man
for the SDMB
Sisyphus’ Stone, you obviously have no intention of heeding any of the previous warnings you’ve received for acting like a jerk.
Your posting privileges are being taken under advisement by the staff.
Cajun Man
for the SDMB
Bad behavior.
Bad behavior that you were counseled about.
Bad behavior that we’re not putting up with anymore.
your humble TubaDiva
Administrator
His profile says he was active on the Board today, so at least he seems to be hanging around even if he hasn’t posted in a couple of weeks.
Not that I loved SS (I thought he was a complete ass) but but I feel compelled to point out that y’all warned him yesterday and then banned him for comments he made in this thread three weeks ago. He probably would’ve stayed a jerk but he didn’t get much chance to change…