He had 5 warnings over several months, to be exact. He never really did anything but afflict people, that was his reason for being here, apparently.
We do sometimes miss bad posts, this was one of those cases. If we had found that post in a more timely fashion, he would have been gone sooner, that’s all.
your humble TubaDiva
Administrator
Let us know how you’re doing Kinth.
Hey everyone,
To tell you the truth I’ve been ashamed of posting again, and of replying to some of you. It seems no matter what I’m told, no matter the advice I am given I am
determined to make myself miserable.
It’s been a few weeks now and things have changed little.
For a moment I saw a ray of light when she told me she wouldn’t see him anymore and she would try and see how things went with us. Just today I discovered that she still has been seeing him. Innocently enough, one of our neighbors mentioned it to me asking me if everything was ok. I told him of course and walked out.
Why does she feel she has to lie to me? I asked her not to see him, but only if she wanted to try and work things out with us. So can someone tell me what the fuck is the reason she’s lying to me?
If she doesn’t want to be with me, tell me the truth that I can go ahead and cry my lungs out and be miserable already! If you DO want to try things out, then don’t see him!
Why is she doing this?
It makes the pain so much worse, one moment I’m doing alright, just a stabbing pain that emerges intermittently, fond thoughts of what we could have in the future… then I’m plunged into total misery when those tiny little rays of hope are smothered.
What the hell did I do in this life to deserve this misery?? Did I piss off some deity? Did I send out some bad Karma? What the hell!
I hate life, I hate myself. I feel so stupid and worthless.
But it is my own fault at this point, I suppose. I’m going to talk to her about this, but who knows what will happen? Will she say somehting sweet? Will I read too much into some simple gentle gesture from her so that I will cling to some false hope yet again?
Probably, and every time I feel worse.
Thanks for listening everyone.
I suspect it’s for the all-too-common reason that is cited in cases like this. If pressed on the topic, she’d say it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt you. But that’s just what she tells herself and others. The real reason - which she probably doesn’t even really acknowledge - is she doesn’t want to actually have to tell you to go away, and thus feel worse. She can delude herself that she’s merely keeping her options open and not hurt anyone, and not have to face up to the fact that breaking up means at least one person has to cut off the relationship. She’s probably hoping you won’t bug her about it, but may still continue to quietly pine for her.
Speaking from a woman’s perspective, I’m betting she’s very confused right now. I helped a friend of mine when she was in a situation similar to what you’re in now. She was actually the woman between the two men, like your girlfriend - she didn’t want to leave the familiar, but wasn’t sure she was in love with the new boyfriend, either. So she tried to keep both while she decided. Although she never physically cheated on the man who had been there first by sleeping with the new guy, I think the emotional cheating she did was even more damaging. She became so close to this other guy, made him her knight in shining armor there to save her from the scary, clingy first guy who loved her, but was so insecure and afraid she would leave him that he wouldn’t leave her alone. She caused so much pain to both men and to herself. She cried every day. Finally, she saw what she was doing and cut ties with both men. It was just too hurtful for everyone involved.
When she finally did cut ties, it hurt her so much, but I was so proud of her. I was never happy with how she treated either of these guys, but cutting ties was the right thing for her to do. I think you need to cut ties, too - get out of town for a while and don’t see this woman. I’m not sure you’ll be able to get back what you once had, which is what it sounds like you’re looking for. So, make a clean break. Don’t talk to her, don’t call her, email or go over to her place. And find someone you can talk to.
Looks like she already has, albeit not necessarily with words.
Kinthalis I totally understand how you feel. I feel so bad for you. This pain is like nothing you have ever felt before. I am so sorry. But just like labor pains (Lamaze), you have to breathe through it. Concentrate on something else. Until you are past it and have soem distance it will hurt. The only way you can get past it and help yourself is to rise above it and get away from it. Trust me when I say, no matter what she does now. It has been broken.
If you do get back together, you will never trust her again. You will always wonder what she is doing when she is not with you. She has proven herself to be deceitful. You can forgive, but never forget, it will always be there. Right now it is up to you. Only you have the power to make yourself feel better. I know you will be strong enough to make the right decision.
She will always wonder what would have happened, or if she made the right choice. Now she knows she can do this to you and you will put up with it. She may lose respect for you. This is one of the most difficult situations I can think of in a relationship. It is not easy to know what to do. But the pain has been inflicted. You cannot control what she does, only what you do about it.
Try to think of this situation as a friends problem, give him the advice and take that advice yourself. Be your own best friend and do what is right for YOU. NOONE ELSE BUT YOU.
Remember, you said it yourself, you hate yourself right now. and you will go on hating yourself if you don’t find a way to redeem your dignity. Would she want you without your dignity? Would you?
One important note:
Think about what she was thinking of when you two were making love, or just sitting around the house. How you blindly trusted her. Trust needs to be earned. Think about how long she kept this a secret.
She knew it would hurt you, she made a comittment to you, so why did she do it?
The facts are there, you can’t go back, no matter how you try. Now your relationship will always be tainted by her actions. Your happiness will be short lived I’m afraid.
I would like to share this with you. It may change how you look at this.
My children’s father cheated on me the first year after we were married. Once. But I found out from a doctor. She had given him an STD. He had given it to me. I was pregnant. I lost the baby. I forgave him.
It took me nine years to finally leave. I had never forgotten and I never regained my respect for him. Or myself. I ruined my two children’s lives and nine years of our lives, when we could have moved on, had I been strong enough.It was an ugly situation for many years.
Just think of yourself, and hers. Neither of you will learn from this if you don’t see the truth and the lesson. Take it with you while you are still young and have a chance. Don’t marry and bring children into this. You have the strength. You need to grow up now.
Blessings for you in your hard times.
Man you gotta realize that you’ll make it through, buddy.
I really feel sorry for you but I am a guy and I have been through similar heartbreak too, but not so severe.
Emotions are very difficult to master, and I don’t know how emotional you are, but in the end all emotions can be controlled to some extent. What are good emotions? They are just set off good feelings in your brain, like a drug. I am not sure how the mechanism works, but maybe its like endorphines or whatever. When you are in love, and someone loves you back, its like being on a drug. When you cut it off, its like a withdrawal process. You were on a drug for 5 years. The thing is there are no negative side effects when the relationship goes well. That’s why relationships are so popular. 
But part of love is the exclusivity and the idea that only one person can love you, but its not true. There will come a day when you actually realize that its over, and you don’t need your drug to be happy anymore. She made you so happy and now its gone. But you’ll find other sources of happniess. But your best bet it to completely erase her from your life. The more attention she gives you, the more its going to get your hopes up only to be let down again. You have to let your bran, which already knows this pain is only exacerbated by all of this middle ground stuff, cut her off in a way that your emotional slip-ups won’t be able to counter. Move to a new city if possible. I really mean it. Start yourself a new life. In the end you may learn a lot from it than most people ever do.
Well said, Merkwurdigliebe.
okay, another idea.
I don’t know how this will go down with the whole SMDB crowd, but I am going to suggest something that may be a little controversial.
Try to be angry at her. Now, don’t do anything drastic, and don’t do any damage to body or person, but converting your grief into anger will make you feel somewhat better. I am still advocating that you should stop all contarct, but it will help. Or at least it would for me. Sure its a dull pain, but you do realize that she is hurting, you, right?
How does it make you feel that while you were making love to her and feeling all of these emotions she may have been thinking something else?
You are better off without her, man. The next time you drive by that place that reminds you of her, don’t think about all the good times that you had and get sad from it, think of all the pain she has caused you and get pissed about it. It will at the very least keep you seperated from her. When that happens you’ll be mad at her for ruining your fond memories and the good things that you had together. Once they are ruined you can’t hold onto them anymore.
Let me suggest that you find a professional. Why? I don’t think you need it. I really don’t, but friends are friends and at some point, they are tired of your misery. Friends are good at helping you get your mind off of her, but they don’t want to hear your misery for 2 months. Its the truth. But that’s not the only reason. If you want to get on with your life, I think a therapist will help you do that faster than anyone else could. If you are tired of the misery, then get some help. It doesn’t make you less of a man, it actually makes you smart.
I broke up with my ex of two years. I was really sad because although she loved me, I just didn’t love her, and I slowly realized that. I only realized it though because we didn’t live together and I found myself not really wanting to see her. I decided that it was wrong for me and her to be in a relationship like this. That’s why I broke up with her. She took it hard, but I still think I made the right deciscion. I know it may not be the best solution, but for some reason I have a sort of anger for her. I suppose when I was going through the grieving process I focused mainly on the times that she made me upset instead of the happy times. This really doesn’t have much affect on our relationship now, because we are seperated by a great deal of geography. If you gotta end up being mad at her, I wouldn’t say that its the ideal situation, but she has hurt you. Its the one true way you’ll get over her and eventually be happy again. I guarantee you that it will happen when you least expect it too. I was the same way. I never wanted to get in a relationship for a long time and then, suddenly, I knew I found a great girl. She was so different from what I thought I had wanted and what I knew to make me happy. See, I was thinking in terms of my only serious relationship. I knew it made me happy, but there was so much wrong in that relationship too, that I was completely discouraged by the thought of another girl. Then I met someone that could make me happy in a totally different way that I never knew would.
This will happen to you. You’ll realize what was wrong with that relationship. Actually I am in a situation similar to yours too at the moment, except that I am the other guy. She broke up with him after she realized that he wasn’t going to make her happy. She loved him and he loved her, but it wasn’t enough for her. He even wanted to still be with her after she told him. But that will never work.
As long as you are determined to be miserable, there is nothing anyone can do online or in person to change that. Not even Her.
First off, I hate to be the one to rain on you – you’re soaked as it is – but here goes. I’m going to read you your rights.
You have the right to feel angry with her about her behavior. You may feel any emotion that strikes you at any moment. This is an irrevocable right.
You have the right to discuss your emotions with anyone who is willing to listen. You are blessed with friends here on SDMB who will listen – so share, vent, rage! This is another right you have that is almost impossible to take away.
You are free from others’ demands with respect to your emotions, and to a large extent, their demands on your actions. Nobody can tell you how to feel, and only the people that you allow to do so can tell you how to act.
You do not have the right to act on all of your emotions. There are things you could do – reactions to your emotions – that would be illegal (for good reasons) and immoral. You may destroy any of your own property at will, although you may regret it, but that’s pretty much where your right to destroy things ends. Self-destructive behaviors, intrusive or invasive behaviors, and so on are rights that you do not have and never had.
She has these same rights.
She’s a lying bitch. You never had the right to ask her to change her behavior, but to expect that she would change is just throwing good tears after bad. If you depend on her changing her behavior for your own well-being, then she is a millstone around your neck, and you will not recover.
She could be courteous and do that, or she could be a bitch about it. Either way, you can’t really trust her now that she’s lied to you. Look at the list of rights above: you don’t get to decide how she’ll act. You can’t depend on her doing the right thing or even the nice thing. You shouldn’t always bank on her being a bitch about everything, but it’s a good place to start. You need to realize and then decide – intellectually – that she clearly doesn’t want to be with you, or if she does want to “be with” you that it would only be painful to you, and not the bliss you think it would be. Decide that, decide to get over it, and steer your emotions as best you can.
Because she’s a liar and has no regard for your emotions.
It is good and healthy to trust people and to know that when you love, you expose yourself to pain. However, it is not healthy to go back to someone who has hurt you this badly and open yourself to their heartless behavior. Why do we laugh at Charlie Brown trying to kick the football? Because we know what it means to get our hopes up only to have them dashed, and we know from the very first frame of the strip that Charlie Brown will fall on his back, and that he will try anyway.
You’re allowed to feel embarrassed and disappointed with yourself for falling for her again. But at some point in the cycle of opening yourself up to her and getting hurt, you become Charlie Brown, and it becomes disingenuous for you to feel bad for yourself. You need to decide that this time, you’re not going to run for the football. Until you change, your situation is not going to change.
It’s not a mistake until you refuse to correct it.
Then maybe you shouldn’t go talk to her again. Maybe you should close that door in your life, place a stout wooden bar against it, throw up a few padlocks, erect a steel frame around it, fill the frame with concrete…
You get the point, I hope.
Thanks for being so open with us! The fact that you can still share your emotions is an amazingly good sign. You’re getting better – you just can’t feel it yet.
Oh Merkwurdigliebe, Merkwurdigliebe. And you were going so well in my eyes.
I have to disagree with this one. While I understand the sentiment, turning your emotions from a personally destructive way to a personally constructive way, I don’t think it’s the way to go.
First off, because your emotions are gonna do whatever they want to do. If you find the capacity to hate her, then you do, and you really do. You can’t will it. You can’t lie to yourself about your own emotions.
Secondly - and this comes from someone who knows what it is to hate, and I mean really hate, an X - hating someone sucks. There is no construction there. From my bad split I had actually first gone to indifference after heartache. But then because of the actions my X was doing after we broke up worked to further demonstrate what a lying sack of poop he is. It reminded me of all the horrible things he did and how horrible they really were (and probably still are). I quickly grew to hate him. And I’m talking some serious hate. I wouldn’t hurt him myself, but if he became hurt I would honestly give it as much thought as stepping on a cockroach.
And let me tell you, I don’t like feeling like this. What a waste of my thoughts, what a waste of my heartbeats to have this kind of anger in me. I wish so much I was merely indifferent to him.
So I hope you don’t have to hate her, Kinthalis. But honestly, from what you’ve been telling us about her manipulative ways, her cheating on you, if she had broken my heart, I’d hate her.
ok, so I wouldn’t reccomend hating her… I just think if his life is completely devestated then it may be a way to get over her… But I defenitely don’t think its the ideal.
Anyways, I still do stand by my viewpoint of getting professional help. Not because you HAVE to have it, but because it would probably make things go so much more smoothly. I am sure they have dealt with such situations, THOUSANDS of times before.