I agree with mswas regarding calling the cops. That takes the situation out of your control, and God knows what the end result will be. Unless there’s a possibility of violence, you should leave them out of it.
The other advice is pretty good, IMO.
[QUOTE=PunditLisa]
I know parents who still pack their teenage kids lunches every day, as if a 15 year old is incapable of throwing together a pb & j sandwich.
[/QUOTE]
I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. I make my kids’ lunches for school everyday, and even though my oldest graduated a year ago, I still make her lunch every night to take with her the next morning. However, she works full-time during the day and goes to school at night, so she’s out from 7am until 10:30pm. She would just be too tired to put together a lunch, and then she’d be wasting her money on junk like McDonald’s everyday. However, I don’t do her laundry, and she has chores on the weekend before she can hang out with her friends.
We don’t charge her room and board, but she is responsible for the rest of her expenses. She learned a hard lesson when she accumulated $1500 worth of text message charges one month.
I agree with those who think the OP should send her son to his father’s. I know I wouldn’t be able to live with a child of mine who did such a thing to me.
I don’t have much to contribute, except for the fact that my girlfriend went to Rollins, and always said it is full of rich, snotty, spoiled kids with overwhelming senses of entitlement, some of them almost sociopathic in their materialism and amorality. If he’s fallen in with such a crowd, they could have twisted him into the liar and thief he is now. Peer pressure is very powerful, especially when a kid feels he has to keep up with fast-living friends, financially and otherwise.
What is Rollins?
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
Whhoooaaaaa. Allow me to pipe in. Just because I didn’t call the police doesn’t mean there have been no consquences! Believe me, I didn’t kiss him on the head and send him to bed with no supper. He is in a world of shit and he knows it. He isn’t permitted to have his friends or his girlfriend in the house anymore, He isn’t allowed to use my phone. I took out his TV and his cable. I cancelled his cell phone. My bedroom door now has a lock that requires a key to enter. He was given a list of things he must do to stay here. I didn’t make a deal with his paycheck but taking half is a very good idea and I will talk to him about that in a bit.
Essentially, the boy has been my “bitch” since he was found out. He is doing everything he is told and I am thinking of more things every day. (pressure wash the deck, paint his room, scrub the grout,etc etc).
Honestly the worst part for him is that I don’t talk to him anymore. I am hurt and disappointed in him and I can’t look at him. We were always very close. He tries telling me about his work or his girlfriend and I ignore him. Not out of punishment but because I really can’t stand to look at him after what he has done to me. My mother got involved after he complained to her about my distance stating “Mom doesn’t even like me anymore”. She felt I was being cruel but I am human and honestly, although I will always love him, I don’t particularly like him anymore. He is right.
[/QUOTE]
You go girl. Great start, now keep it up.
BTW I have met Auto at a dopefest. Good people.
[QUOTE=Larry Borgia]
What is Rollins?
[/QUOTE]
The college the OP’s son attends.
Foxy40 Sounds like he might actually be learning his lesson.
If he isn’t a drug addict, and he is not mentally ill, well, I guess he is just sociopath and a thief.
If it isn’t drugs, or psychological pathology, then it is simply old fashion crime. For which you need an old fashion cop, and a very old fashion judge, with a handy old fashion jail.
Then you need to tell your son he can move back in after he pays every single dime he stole.
Me, I think it’s drugs.
Tris
[QUOTE=DigitalC]
Most parents would rather have a shitty kid than a dead one. Yes, sending your kid of to war in hopes that killing foreigners will somehow set them on the right path is nothing sort of batshit insane.
[/QUOTE]
In many ways, the millitary would be a great thing. One of the best things, he will not be special. He is nobodys baby, its nobody elses job to clean up after him, the rules are clear, and have clear repercussions. This is one of the common themes, hes spoiled, hes entitled, and he has no clear course. The millitary can give him the guidance he needs as well as teach him how to set his own goals if he chooses to embrace the possibilities they offer him.
The navy has only represented a handful of the total casualties in Iraq and many of the deaths (after a quick parousal here ) a large percentage of the Naval casualties are not actually related to combat operations.
So taking a chance at becoming part of the 2% of US casualties suffered by the navy is hardly sending him into a meat grinder. He would probably be more likely to die a violent death delivering pizzas.
If he is as smart and studious as we have heard, he could excel in a number of MOS’s that would further diminish his chance of ever seeing direct combat.
[QUOTE=Larry Borgia]
What is Rollins?
[/QUOTE]
From their website:
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim]
At this time in history, with this war going on and an insane administration sending kids into a meat grinder for no good reason, I think it would be an act of insanity to encourage your kids to enter the military – now, today.
I would not say this under different circumstances. My sister was in the Air Force, and she did well by it.
And as this is off-topic, I won’t continue to discuss this here. Fell free to start another thread if you feel the need. I will participate if you do.
[/QUOTE]
Agreed. Here you go.
DigitalC, I extend a special invitation for you to stop by, as well.
[QUOTE=Jodi]
Kick. His. Ass. Out.
You know he has someplace to go. That puts you way out ahead of other parents with thieving or dangerous kids (mostly addicted) who find the strength to kick them out and don’t know where the hell they will go, maybe to a shelter, maybe to live on the streets.
Your son has demonstrated that he cannot be trusted and that he has no respect or regard for you or for your property. The only lesson you can teach him at this point is what it looks like to have enough self-respect to insist on being treated respectfully, and the way you teach him that is by example. He has forfeited the right to have access to you or to anything you own, and that includes your house and everything that’s in it.
The way you get through to him is to make sure his actions have consequences. He is BY YOUR OWN DESCRIPTION a spoiled brat with a sense of entitlement and a weakness for Taco Bell. He has LESS justification for his completely despicable behavior than a kid with an addiction. An addicted kid can at least point to something other than pure selfishness to excuse his criminal behavior; your son can’t.
Every night you allow this adult child to remain in your home underscores that he is right – stealing from you is different from stealing from others. His actions don’t have consequences.
If he were my son I would pack him a bag, change the locks, and tell him the only thing I wanted to hear from him was “Thank you for not throwing my sorry ass in jail.” And he can come to see me when he has both a sincere apology and a specific plan to pay me back. Until then, he doesn’t need to call or come by and he sure as hell doesn’t need to expect I will trust him in my house or with anything I own.
[/QUOTE]
I’ve been waiting eagerly for the moment when you and I would agree 100% on something. Just when I was wondering if it would ever happen, it did. Every single word you wrote is spot on. Listen to her, Foxy. She knows of what she speaks.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
He is selfish and spoiled but he is warm hearted and sensitive. I would never do anything that would cause him such trauma.
[/QUOTE]
No, he’s not. Sorry, but your son is a piece of shit. I can understand stealing from a stranger if you’re desperate enough, but your own mother? You’d have to be a serious sociopath, mentally ill, or an addict. It may sound harsh, but you BOTH need to wake the fuck up.
If you’ve seen this coming for a long time and stood back while the behavior continued, you’ve dug your own grave. If it’s a sudden change in behavior, it’s probably addiction or mental illness.
Nothing is too late. I’ve known people like your son who have completely changed their lives, but it’s going to take effort from both of you.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
This 15 year old girl steals fives and tens from her parent’s wallets to board a plane to see her boyfriend and they have her arrested. I am sorry, I think that is a cruel thing to do.
[/QUOTE]
I finally got around to reading the linked article. ALL of it. Did you?
So you’re just going to unleash him on an unsuspecting world as is. I guess we should at least thank you for warning us.
meant for the pit…
Anyone that says I should kick his ass out is absolutely right. Am I a glutton for punishment? Yes. Is that because of the guilt I feel for creating this entitled brat? Yes.
As far as his father. He talks big and I would LOVE him to come and get the young man but he won’t. He has agreed to take him in if he shows up at the door but he won’t go any further than that. The reason I think that is a good idea is that if nothing else, the gravy train will stop and the kid will finally have a dose of the reality he isn’t getting in my home and with my affluent parents. Of course number one son doesn’t want to do that and I can’t figure out how to force him. Even when I threw him out when this first happened, he did not go there. He slept on the floors of his friend’s places.
I shake my head in wonder why people express that I am a bad parent. Not that I don’t agree right now. Less than one year ago, people were complimenting me on my son’s manners, compassion and our open and honest relationship. Maybe that is why I am taking it so hard. The fact that he did this to me and really thought in his little brain that it was going to be okay and he would just get a little bit of shit shocks me.
No, I don’t know what video games he owns. No, I don’t know what all those systems are in his room. No, he has no privacy and has never had it. I’ve always gone in there whenever I wanted and he has no problem with it.
As someone pointed out already, the bills at Game Stop could have been for ten games or controllers or systems. I have no way of knowing. He *said * they were for games but he is not exactly trustworthy these days.
Most of his stuff has been in the garage since he left the first time. He has a bed in his room and his lap top. That’s about it. (Actually he doesn’t have his lap top because that just went back to Dell for repairs).
I have been thinking about whether or not he is some kind of sociopath. I mean is he actually as charming and helpful as he seems or is that some kind of front? Last night the old guy next door had computer problems and when his wife told my son, he went over there in a flash to help them.
I think right now I prefer to think he just used some really bad freakin judgement and figured a “sorry mom” as he bat his baby blues would get him out of it. He honestly seems shocked and how pissed I am. Maybe I am stupid but right now I am going to try to move on and hope he has learned some kind of lesson. Obviously if there is another incident, I will be proven wrong and will regret this decision.
Sending him to jail and ruining his chances for Dental school and everything else he has worked towards isn’t going to happen unless it happens again.
Foxy if you read anything about sociopaths, it’s that they can appear charming when they want to be. It’s a well toned act. Serial killers can charm women into their cars. When they are found out, there is always a neighbor who says 'But he was such a nice boy."
I think the son you see is not the person he really is.
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
Yeah, whaa. Everyone takes advantage of me! :rolleyes:
No one has ever taken advantage of me. I have a very generous spirit as long as you don’t push me. When these people have pushed, I push back. I have been working on trying to be more approachable to my employees. It concerns me that many are afraid of me. I can just imagine the looks on their faces if anyone ever told them that they take advantage of their overly kind boss.
Yes, my little snot son has robbed me and he and I have to work that out. Taking advantage would be him asking me for twenty bucks to take his gal to the movies right now. He isn’t that stupid.
You and I are strangers featherlou but I am wondering why when I post about being generous with money you automatically assume that I am being taken advantage of in those other areas. (husband, employees) Is selfishness essential to being strong in your opinion? Is this just for women or for men as well? This is a serious question and not a jab.
[/QUOTE]
I remember three threads.
Something about a divorce.
Something about employee loans
This one.
I’m not going to go back and get specifics - I’m going to give you my impressions. They may be completely wrong.
You are a generous and giving person. You make offers to people and support them in ways that are atypical. But I suspect that you don’t set boundaries on your generosity upfront and that you pretty much start out giving all you can.
Then someone pushes your generosity. Either they take too much or they fail to meet the very small expectations you have for them in return. Then things fall to hell. Or at least, they fall apart badly enough that you come here looking for advice from or venting to a bunch of strangers on the internet.
I’m not sure you can blame the people in your life for assuming you are the “magic pot” of money and resources. I suspect you present yourself in that fashion. Since they believe the pot will never run dry, since boundaries have never been adequately maintained - they may be as shocked as you are when the line has been crossed.
When that line is crossed, someone has taken advantage of you.
Your son has seen you support your (ex?) husband - who apparently never did much - and thinks that he - your own flesh and blood - should be entitled to the same support for the same non-effort. And who can blame him?
[QUOTE=Foxy40]
I shake my head in wonder why people express that I am a bad parent. Not that I don’t agree right now. Less than one year ago, people were complimenting me on my son’s manners, compassion and our open and honest relationship. Maybe that is why I am taking it so hard. The fact that he did this to me and really thought in his little brain that it was going to be okay and he would just get a little bit of shit shocks me.
[/QUOTE]
It sounds like he has a child’s grasp of money and finance. When we’re children we look at our parents, and it looks like they just snap their fingers and money magically appears. Why would they believe otherwise if you’ve never taught them? He probably has no idea what credit card limits are or how much it takes to exceed them, has no idea what a returned-check charge is, and has no idea how much minimum-wage work it takes to purchase a Wii. So I can easily see an otherwise good kid who happens to have a child’s sense of money feeling free to take what he likes. That’s not to shift the blame off you or tell you that you’ve done a good job of parenting. It’s just to say that it may not be time for jail yet, and there may not be drugs involved.
But you do need to wake him up. If he goes through this entire experience never once worrying whether his future in dental school will be jeopardized, he’ll be immune from the most serious consequences, and he will become an even bigger monster.