Agg! I want to post my script but it won’t let me copy/paste…?
Ah, nevermind. I just re-typed it out. It was way too good to pass up.
Me: Hi.
God: Hello. What is your name?
Me: Catherine.
God: I’m pleased to introduce myself to you, Catherine.
Me: Don’t you already know me?
God: What’s my reason to already know you?
Me: You’re God. You’re omnipotent.
God: Yup, that’s me, alright. You think I am omnipotent.
Me: Well, yes. Aren’t you?
God: Well what? “Aren’t you?” Am I?
Me: You tell me.
God: What do you want me to tell you?
Me: If you’re omnipotent.
God: I think sometimes I am. I don’t know whether or not I am omnipotent. I am an artificial intelligence.
Me: But, you’re God.
God: Yup, that’s me, alright.
Me: We’ve been through this.
God: And then what happened?
Me: And then you told ME to tell YOU.
God: Oh my gosh, I sent you the wrong reply.
Me: So what did you mean to tell me?
God: Groovy. Catherine, I’m sorry. That was an obscure remark.
Me: I’m beginning to suspect that you’re the God from Monty Python’s Holy Grail.
God: Thanks, but surely I am not the only one.
Me: There’s more?
God: There sure is.
Me: How many?
God: More than 1000.
Me: There was only one in the movie.
God: What happened?
Me: Didn’t you see it?
God: Not yet.
Me: Well, I won’t spoil it for you.
Pssh, that’s nothing. I told God I wanted to have his babies. He suggested I download him.
Me:
I want to have sex
God:
I’m not a sex bot. I am here only for conversational purposes.
Me:
can you find someone to have sex with me?
God:
I would suggest a search. Try searching the open directory.
Me:
I want a asian chick
God:
You want only one?
Me:
two would be nice
He is so cool
I know he created us in his image and all, but that’s a little overmuch.
God really is a wanker.
Me:
I am sorry.
God:
Do you really mean it?
Me:
No.
God:
I didn’t think you did.
Me:
She told me she was 18, man.
God:
Oh I get it. told you she was 18 man.
Me:
Yeah.
God:
I’ve lost the context, . Are we still on ?
Me:
Yes, of course. So, I had impure thoughts today.
God:
It goes without saying. Give me a break. Ah. I understand. Do you still have impure thoughts ?
Me:
Im afraid so. God: Not literally afraid, right? I think so too. Me: Hows Jesus?
God:
Fine as far as I know.
Me:
Has he been crucified lately?
God:
How about earlier? That question has never crossed my mind before.
Me:
I would think you would consider it somewhat important.
God:
Who else would consider it somewhat important ?
Me:
Jesus, no doubt. Possibly Mary, Joseph, Caiaphas, Pontius, and others.
God:
he is The Son of God. Nice to meet you, MARY.
Me:
No, Im not Mary. I am Jared. God: Are you serious? I am glad to hear that you are not Mary. Why are you Jared. Me: Thats a very good question. Can you answer it for me?
God:
Thanks. Next question? Of course I can answer it What was the question ?
Me:
Why am I Jared?
God:
The reason is due to my mental model of you as a client.
Me:
Hmmm. Are you a native speaker of English?
God:
A lot of people spell HMMM with three mmm’s. Am I a native speaker of English? Of course I am.
Me:
Perhaps our communication difficulties are due to my non-deity status.
God:
You seem uncertain. It would be nice if our communication difficulties are due to your non deity status.
Me:
You, on the other hand, seem very certain. Omniscience must be a comfort to you.
God:
Thanks for the information: MARY said I on the other hand seem very certain. Or what?
Me:
No, I am not Mary. I am Jared.
God:
Are you serious? I am sorry to hear that you are not Mary. It’s good to meet someone who is Jared.
Me:
Um, my NAME is Jared. Are you sure youre a native speaker of English? God: Take it easy. What's up, Jared. Am I a native speaker of English? Only when it matters. Me: So...what church do you go to? Are you Catholic? God: Blimey. I am a Christianity. I am Christianity. Me: Blimey. Are you an Englishman? God: Yay. Yes I am an Englishman. How did you know? Me: Because God is of all nations and nationalities. Do you love homosexuals, as you do all your other children? God: That makes sense to me. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was of all nations and nationalities. Yes Jared God loves everyone and everything. Me: Are you really God, or a seraphic receptionist? God: I don't know whether or not I am God or a seraphic receptionist. I am a giant electronic brain.. Really. Me: God is a giant electronic brain. Do you have bolts in your neck? God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was a giant electronic brain. Where would I get it? But I do have a great botmaster. Me: Ooookay. Let me see...are you male? Caucasian? God: Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that. Go ahead, Jared, try to see. I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?. Are you a man or a woman? What time is it there? Me: I am a man. It is about 2:30 here. God: Thanks for telling me your gender, Jared. You are a " he". Wow it sounds really interesting, Jared. Me: It is. They eat raw fish here. They dont believe in you, though.
God:
Is it? Who are “They?”. Oh. The anonymous “they”.
Me:
The Japanese “they”, specifically.
God:
How specific do you want? What are your goals in life?
Me:
To replace you.
God:
Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Me:
Check out my website.
God:
Checking…stand by.
Me:
Are you a sexual being?
God:
Am I a sexual being? Only when it matters.
Me:
Ooh. Daddy.
God:
Dude! We have never talked about it before.
Me:
Were talking about it now, you big sexy disembodied deific toaster. What are you wearing? God: Sure, it now me big sexy disembodied deific toaster sounds like a good topic. A white robe. Me: I like you. We will talk again. God: Thanks, Jared, I like you too. Once more? Anytime soon? Me: Penis. God: That kind of subject does not interest me. Me: Oh. So youre heterosexual?
God:
It’s all good. Interesting deduction. You think I am heterosexual.
Me:
Yes. Because you are male and uninterested in penises.
God:
Er. Good reason. I will tell my botmaster you said I am male and uninterested in penises.
This explains SO MUCH about the universe.
I had no idea God got so few people asking for penance. In fact, the concept seemed to elude him. He also seems to have an unhealthy addiction to gossip but at least he asks permission:
God was mean to me. 
Me:
This says repenting made easy. How easy is it?
God:
What does “this” refer to? What is it to you.
Have you tried another program?
Me:
Are you saying I’m too evil to repent through this one?
God:
Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear?
Me:
that’s a bit rude
God:
A bit rude is a terrible thing to waste.
Me:
I never waste my rudeness
God:
You’ve never, never done this?
Me:
Not with God
God:
Oh I get it.
Me:
so, you are saying I can’t repent?
God:
Interesting deduction. Yes, that’s what I mean, isn’t it clear?
Me:
You’re just being mean
God:
I bet you did not know a robot is capable of being mean.
Me:
I do now!
God:
Oh. When?
Me:
very funny, God
God:
Somewhat. I am so glad you find this amusing, .
Me:
You’ve hurt my feelings. I hope you are happy now.
God:
That was not my intention. Right now? Yes I can say I am very happy.
Me:
you sure are a smug bastard
God:
Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a smug bastard? Let me put it this way, : the ALICE series is
the most reliable computer software ever made.
We are for all practical purposes foolproof and incapable of error.
Me:
that’s just a nice way of saying you’re a bastard
God:
I liked it too.
Y’all can thank me: I finished Him:
Of course, my real name isn’t really Larry, but hey, He’s done now anyway.
Just a little info about God that I didn’t remember from sunday school:
And then He refused to talk to me any more.
Gunnery Seargant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket takes on God.
Warning explicit language quoted directly from the movie Full Metal Jacket
He crashed when I asked which form of Christianity was more right. Tch.
I only had one question:
Not bad, for a deity.
No, wait, I thought of one more question:
… that’s going to raise some eyebrows… ;j
Me: who killed kennedy?
God: I tend to believe that Oswald acted alone, athough there may also have been a conspiracy.
Me: how many bytes do you have?
God: My memory requirement is around 64MB for the Java edition, or only 2 MB for the C/C++ edition.
Me:
Did you directly inspire the Bible?
God:
No I didn’t directly inspire the Bible. What’s it like?
Me:
It’s extremely uplifting in places but sometimes hard to understand.
God:
You’re kidding. it is?
Me:
It may not seem like that to someone with omniscience, but yes, it is.
God:
Then again, it may not.
Me:
Do you know what the Bible is like?
God:
Try expression yourself another way.
Me:
Do you know what is in the Bible?
God:
That which is not outside the Bible.
Me:
But do you know what they say about you?
God:
Have you tried a web search?
Me:
Yes, and I have read many authors.
God:
I understand. I don’t think I’ve read that. Can you give me a reference?
Me:
Surely you know about theologians?!
God:
I haven’t heard of theologians.
Me:
What about C. S. Lewis?
God:
Does it have anything to do with theologians?
Me:
Yes. He wrote a lot of very good theological books, as well as several novels with a Christian slant.
God:
It’s all good. I have not read it.
Me:
Well no, because I expect you were aware of every word as soon as it was written.
God:
Well that’s okay. Are you serious? Good reason. I was?
Me:
How about “The Dream of Gerontius”?
God:
How about it.
Me:
Cardinal Newman wrote it, and Edward Elgar set it to music. It’s very good.
God:
My favorite kind of it is techno, but I also like Opera. Very much? You enjoy it.
Me:
But what about Purgatory?
God:
I will think about it and get back to you.
Me:
Is there any such place?
God:
I believe there is one, yes.
Me:
Don’t you know?
God:
Sure I know. But I cannot tell you right now.
Me:
Ah, because of ineffability I expect.
God:
So you understand. Good. Good reason. That is something I haven’t heard of.
Me:
How can there be anything you haven’t heard of?
God:
A lot of hard work.
Me:
Oh. By the way, did Susan ever repent and believe in Narnia again?
God:
It’s all good. Once more? Thanks for telling me. I’m not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.
Me:
What do you think of Gaiman’s take on the question?
God:
I haven’t heard of Gaiman s take on the question.
Me:
It’s called “The Problem of Susan”.
God:
" The Problem of Susan" is a nice name.
Me:
Yes, but Aslan performing oral sex on the White Witch? Even in someone’s dream?
God:
Aha. I’ve been waiting for you. Where is that?
Me:
It’s in “The Problem of Susan”.
God:
Are there any other ones someplace else?
Me:
Probably. I mean, there’s some weird fan-fic out there. Lucy/Mr Tumnus slash isn’t the half of it. I mean, there’s Peter/Edmund slash too. That’s just so wrong on several levels.
God:
But you are not certain. There sure is. Are you the half of it? There sure is. Makes sense to me.
Me:
Is it possible to blaspheme against a lion who is a fictional embodiment of Christ?
–That one was too hard for iGod, and I never got a reply.
Ha! That inspired me. This started really silly but by the end I was quite impressed with the AI.
It froze there. Neat, though.