Regardless of whether he actually was on that site or his browser was co-opted, his behaviour in saying that you were one who did it, and forgot it, and he has proof but you can’t see it, is inexcusable. If he has proof that your memory is that bad, he needs to show it to you - that’s only fair. Telling you he has proof, but you can’t see it, and you have forgotten you were on the site sounds like someone grasping at straws and telling himself something so often that he has started to believe it. Any way you look at this, he comes off as a liar, a potential cheater, or a crazy person. I think this is rightly sending up all kinds of red flags.
Add this to not giving his girlfriend of a year a Christmas present, and we have a big, resounding, "NEXT!"
(Is anyone else hearing Martin Short as the pathological liar saying, “It’s so funny you think I was on that porn site. I think YOU were on that porn site, that’s what I think?”)
I don’t think the issue is nongoog looking at the recently opened list while fixing her boyfriend’s computer - these things happen, whether she was looking for it or not. The issue is him trying to cover his tracks, lying, and gaslighting her.
nongoog, I can understand how frustrating it must be for people to accuse you of misleading them. Since this is the internet, we have nothing to go on but your own word that things are as you say they are, and we have been burned here before. Your best bet to prove your innocence is simply to tell your story as simply and openly as you can, and don’t take the critics too much to heart. YOU know what your truth is. I’m willing to take your story at face value; it costs me nothing to trust that your story is true.
If it’s bloody craiglist, how do you know he wasn’t looking for something else? Like a restaurant recommendation or a used sofa? I mean, why assume it’s cheating or porn? If he hates porn, why did he meet you on a sleazy site with porn on it?
It’s a reference to a newbie who took some people for a ride with an engaging but possibly fictitious story that ended up being full of holes.
Why do you need advice from strangers on a message board? We don’t know what the hell is going on. If he was posting here, I bet the same story would sound very, very different. You say you want rational advice, but it no matter what anyone says, you have an answer for it. He’s the villain in your Pit thread. He’s the villain here. We can’t hear his side of it, we only have your take. So what do you expect? Everyone to just tell you what you want to hear? This is the Dope. People are going to ask questions, disagree with you, and call you on the carpet. If you don’t want that, write a blog and turn off the comments option.
I think you should break up with this guy. He cheated on his last GF with you-- YOU used the word “cheating” but now, it’s more complicated than that, of course. He never gets you gifts you like. He goes to websites now that he used to meet you (he was seeing someone else but met you online… hmmm) that now you claim he says are disgusting because they have porn on them… what? I think your course of action is clear, no?
You say he’s obviously villanous, RubyStreak, but that’s not so cut and dry. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was saying that he may just be horribly insecure, which would explain how defensively he was reacting, trying to turn it onto me. I find it hard to differentiate “insecure defensiveness” with “mind games” and I am young, so I’m asking for help. I’m definitely not making things up and I stand behind everything I’ve written.
To answer your previous question, the webpages I saw on his computer were personals headlines pages, clearly ads from this site. And I was moving the mouse up the programs menu and I glanced at the “documents” list and it jumped out at me- “HORNY COLLEGE GIRL” blah blah.
The site has some legitimate personals but also a bunch of slutty ones with dirty pictures attached. Since the girls are purportedly real, it could be seen as an amateur porn situation. The ad I posted was not one of the slutty ones with personal porn attached.
Fucking dump the guy already. You aren’t going to find some magical, perfect explanation that exonerates him from everything. You hooked up with a guy you knew was a manipulator and a cheater and, mirabile dictu, he’s STILL a manipulator and a cheater. If everything you’re saying is true, you need to work on finding some self-esteem, and fast.
Why bother differentiating “insecure defensiveness” from “mind games”? They appear to result in functionally similar damaging behavior. Dump him, unless you really enjoy this behavior, because there is a whole lot more where that came from.
Taking everything she’s said about herself and him at face value-- she’s a hot yet poor young girl, he’s an older, worldly, wealthy man. He takes her to Montauk for the weekend and out to dinner at fancy joints. I can see her reluctance to dump him and her desperately wanting to find reasonable explanations for his behavior. She’s young.
At 38, I wouldn’t trade off my self-respect for $$$, but at 21 I’m afraid I probably would have.
Now, hold on a second, Rubystreak. Yes, this is the Dope, and we do hold ourselves to a higher standard in a lot of aspects here, but jumping all over a young girl who doesn’t have all the experience with men that us old broads have isn’t kind. She’s asking for our opinions on situations just like everyone else who posts in the Pit and MPSIMS and IMHO does. There’s nothing wrong with her doing that.
And we’re still in IMHO - you’re gonna get yourself warned if you keep this up.
For the record, nongoog, dating horribly insecure guys is also a bad idea. Somehow horribly insecure people usually manage to take it out on the people they are close to.
I don’t know how young you are, but come on. I’m young (22) and even I wouldn’t put up with that bull.
Also, folks might be questioning your honesty because your story in your gift thread kept changing slightly. There were a lot of snippy “I didn’t say that!” responses from you, and I doubt I’m the only one that noticed the changes.
That’s because I glossed over some points I thought weren’t so important, and people kept jumping on the oversimplifications. I never meant to, or did, significantly change anything.
Are you listening to any of this, nongoog, or are you still hoping for an answer that will allow you to prop up your fantasy of what this “relationship” is about?
These are the things you need to hear (and taking your story at face value):
He’s not insecure.
He’s not in love with you.
He’s not going to marry you.
He’s going to keep cheating on you.
He’s going to keep manipulating you.
He’s going to keep trying to turn things around on you and make you the bad guy.
He’s probably going to dump you sooner or later anyway.
All he ever wanted from you is sex.
He doesn’t care about your feelings.
He isn’t the one.
It’s not your fault.
Stop being blinded by the money.
Stop apologizing for the guy. He’s an asshole who used a naive young girl.
It’s HIS fault.
You can get a decent guy in 5 seconds.
You might want to get some counselling.
You asked for advice, you got it. Take it or leave it. It’s well intended.
I don’t know shit from wild honey about computers. I do know that sometimes stuff shows up unbidden. Are you absolutely positive that something like that couldn’t have happened?
Don’t you think looking where you did was similar to opening someone else’s mail? I find that to be creepy.
I’d dump your butt for confronting me about something I felt was my own personal business, but then I wouldn’t lie or accuse you of lying. I’d just say “See ya’ around”.
Get rid of him, if he doesn’t do it to you first. Once two people stop trusting each other the relationship is over for all practical purposes.
His lame lie about how you must have been the one to visit the site was just his desperate last-ditch attempt to save his hide. The signs all point to cheating.
I’d really recommend staying away from guys who are willing to cheat on another girl with you. Just because a guy is willing to cheat on his girlfriend with you doesn’t mean you’re better than her. It just means he’s a sleazy liar, and very likely will end up pulling the same stunt on you sooner or later.
If he’s trying to project his issues onto you, that’s also a sign that you should get out of that relationship. If I was me in your situation, I’d be out of there like a shot. He’s been accessing dating sites, he’s lied about it and then tried to blame you for it without letting you see whatever “proof” he thinks he’s got. That’s far more than I’d be prepared to put up with, whatever the material benefits of the relationship.
There are several things going on here that don’t quite add up. Maybe there are good explanations, but I’d like some clarity:
You say he’s “outspokenly anti-porn”–This alone would indicate someone who’s not telling the truth. Guys like porn. Some guys obsess over it, some guys are just okay with it, some guys like it but because of some political bullshit find it expedient to mantain that they don’t, but very, very few guys are “outspokenly anti-porn,” and very, very few of those had recently (you say a few years ago) surfed websites that feature porn while ignoring the porn. He’s almost certainly lying about the porn, which should tell you if he’s being honest with you in general, but by pretending to be “anti-porn,” he’s also exposing himself as a giant hypocrite (to people other than you).
I’m still unclear on the “women trolling for sex” ads. What you describe sounds unlike any personal ads I’ve ever seen, legitimate ads by women looking for relationships (this is were you say you met this guy, right?) running alongside phony “Come fuck me NOW!!!” ads with slutty pictures attached? Why does this sound so foreign to my experience as well as contrary to reason? Why would a woman place a legit ad on such a site if the phony slut-jobs are so prevalent? Getting back to point 1), what kind of anti-porn guy would cruise such a site to find a girlfriend, as you say he did to find you? Could you give some more background here? Both of these points don’t quite add up for me.