Stupid post.
By this logic, no straight man and straight woman should ever move into together as roommates, because this is the “signal” that they want to get together.
As Ogre said, complete horseshit.
Kudos to the OP for not punching the guy (like most morons say they would), you handled it perfectly.
He didn’t say anything about accepting any toasters, and his name is on the lease.
I’d have to waffle between the “he’s just being an asshole” and “he feels like an asshole and isn’t good at dealing with it” crowds.
My roommate brought 7 pairs of shoes. He shaves & showers every day, his bed is always in perfect condition. He signed up for the school’s GSA equivalent “just because he felt guilty about taking the condoms,” but he knew the flavors he took off the top of his head. The one time a woman came overnight, I left the room for a few hours, and nothing happened. He was curious about where I got the free packet of lube, and he’s obsessed with Dave Matthews Band.
I still felt like an asshole after coming on to him once, while drunk. Fortunately, he’s calmed down, I calmed down, we both crack fag jokes every now and then, and nothing’s weird. Luckily for me, he’s used to it because so many people think he’s gay that he’s dealt with full-on obsessed stalkers before.
You’re dealing with this as maturely as I can imagine one could. I can’t think of anything that’d make it seem less offensive to the guy to have said.
Unless, as was suggested, you were a bit too drunk to remember right.
I stand by my post.
And I humble request that Greathouse ask his roommate to be honest and say if he saw it this way.
And I humbly request Greathouse to post the answer here.
I’m not saying that it’s impossible that Greathouse’s roommate saw it this way.
What i’m saying is that there’s no way that Greathouse could have known that this would happen, and it would have been offensive of him to assume that it would, so your contention that he never should have agreed to move in together is horseshit.
I have a question. Is he being mean to you, or is he just not saying much? If something like that happened to me, I’d be embarassed more than angry, I suspect. But you used the word “pissy”, so I’m thinking he’s doing more than just being quiet, is that right?
Apology accepted.
And I don’t agree that there’s no way that Greathouse could have known. He could have asked outright, or stated outright that if roommate thought there was any of that on the horizon, he was mistaken. And that if that changes the dynamics of moving in together, or being friends better to find out sooner than later.
When you have your talk with him, make it as friendly and non-judgmental as possible. Encourage him to relax and enjoy your friendship. I like all of mhendo’s advice except for the part about telling him to “start acting like an adult.” Although that is true, no one likes to hear it. And don’t use words like pissy when talking with him. Describe the actual behavior that has bothered you rather than labelling it.
Is this irony? I did not apologize, as i had nothing to apologize for.
So, if i interpret your post correctly, you think that whenever a straight man and a gay man move in together, the straight man should lay down the law and tell the gay man that there’s to be no funny business?
If that’s what your saying, then it’s one of the most offensive things i’ve heard in a while. It may surprise you to know this, but gay men generally don’t spend their lives trying to “flip” straight men and get them in the sack. I have plenty of gay friends, some of whom i am or have been very close to, and NOT A SINGLE ONE of them has ever tried coming on to me. (Insert joke about mhendo’s ugly mug here)
It’s utterly ridiculous to suggest that straight men should, by default, be suspicious of gay men’s intentions in such friendship situations. The OP’s circumstances shows that problems can occur, but to imply that all gay men are prone to such behavior is pretty pathetic.
Actually, that part was somewhat hyperbolic. I would only ever use such language when all attempts at reasoned and reasonable resolution had failed.
So nice to have Mhendo around, he saves me so much typing.
Yeah, every time I’ve moved with a friend, I’ve always been careful to say “Oh, and by the way, if you’re gay then you should know that I’m not implying that we should start boning each other, so if that’s what you had in mind you should live elsewhere.” It always goes over really well.
Poor Icarus. Flying too close to the sun on wings of bullshit…
Folks, it’s called laying down the ground rules, and it really really works. As long as you don’t phrase it in a flip snarky way.
If I were a female moving in with a male I would make damn sure I wasn’t putting myself in a situation where unwanted advancements were occuring. I don’t think anyone here would find that out of bounds.
And mhendo at no point did I “imply that all gay men are prone to such behavior”.
The ground rules? Hey dude I’m not gay, so don’t think me moving in with you is flipping. Ok, just wanted to get that out of the way. How well do you know the people you’re moving in with? It seems like “to pork or not to pork” would have been figured out earlier in the friendship.
Well, gee, obviously it wasn’t or we wouldn’t be here posting, now would we?
He’s horrified because he came out to you at the same time he came on to you, and he’s terrified of how the relationship may have changed. Give him time, change the subject, it’ll be fine.
don’t emphasize the whole “I’m not gay” thing. He knows you’re not gay. An awful lot of straight guys will try anything once, so don’t assume he thought you were gay. So seriously, don’t emphasize that, that he’s gay and you’re not. Stick to the behavior, not the orientation. Say you don’t want to have sex with him, or whatever, but seriously, as a gay man who’s been there, don’t emphasize the orientation angle at all.
No, it’s called unsolicited rejection, and it’s not cool. The default status of friendship is “not fucking”. For me to inform friends out of the blue that I won’t have sex with them implies that I thought they might want to have sex with me and thus am taking the precaution of rejecting them in advance. Weird, and not a little rude.
A friend is always welcome to suggest that our relationship change from “not fucking” to “fucking”, but they should be prepared for the possibility of rejection and not act like a dick about it. This goes double if they aren’t of my professed gender of interest. There’s nothing wrong with trying, but it’s your job to be braced for rejection.
Sorry for the multi posts, but this kind of thing really pisses me off. He’s not trying to “flip” you, that ludicrous. I’ve had recreational sex with more than one straight guy, and they’re still straight after the experiment. They just went for a ride to check out the scenery. As it were.
He just wanted to know if you were up for a little fun. Tell him you’re not up for it, change the subject, and move on.
Sure you did.
If you deem this particular situation so likely to occur that you need to pre-empt it before the gay man even moves in, then that says something about how you believe gay men tend to act.
No-one’s said that it doesn’t happen on occasion. But it seems to me that it happens rarely enough that trying to pre-empt it, the way you suggest, would probably damage friendships on far more occasions than it would save them. As Giraffe says, “The default status of friendship is ‘not fucking.’”