We’re nearly certain he’s not gay. I hedge only because I’m not someone fond of absolutes, and stranger things have happened. Yes, people can do a pretty good routine of hiding it, but in our mixed gender, mixed sexual orientation friend group-- in San Francisco, of all places-- they’re be no reason for him to put on that much of a tit-ogling show for us. We literally do not give a shit, and I happen to think the less people that hold conversations with my chest everytime I’m in club wear the better.
Those of our friends who are both gay/bi and in on this chaos have never brought that up as an option-- and I’d assume they would if they had any suspicion. I’ve also never seen him get hit on when we’re in gay bars. I know far more about his love life that Puck does, so I’m pretty sure I’m not wrong about this.
The saddest thing, that would probably be the easiest of the rejections, too. I know personally I would take that a lot better than “Sorry, I’m just not attracted to you.”
I think it is unlikely that this would happen. I had a very similar situation. I have a friend who I consider to be one of my best friends who I am very snuggly/cuddly and extremely flirty with. I was in exactly the same situation you are in – I was interested in a “relationship” beyond just friendship. So I told him. I basically said that I liked the friendship we had a whole heck of a lot, and that keeping it right where it was was fine with me, but that I’d be interested in more if he was. He said he thought it would be better to keep it as it was. The next time we hung out, we still snuggled and nothing has changed except that there is no uncomfortable “I wonder” crap making the situation confusing. So really, the situation is more comfortable now. We both know where we stand, so neither one of us has to try to “interpret” anything the other one does as having some sort of ulterior motive. It makes it much easier. Like I can play with his hair or rub his neck without him wondering if I’m trying to seduce him or jump him or something. It makes things more relaxed.
I tell you this because it seems that most of the people here who are are saying “tell him” and saying that is what they have done in the past seem to be people for whom the relationship did turn to dating. I figured I’d weigh in to show you that it really isn’t disaster when it doesn’t. It isn’t rejection–he loves you. You just have to think of it that way. So don’t assume that you or he will need to “heal” or “get over him” because it really is possible to go on just like you are. (Not saying that there isn’t the chance for things to end in horrible, flaming disaster–just that I think it’s unlikely.)
What’s up with all the gay stuff? We get accused of always wanting sex, then when a guy holds off and is nice, he gets called gay! Men can’t win, I say.
I don’t think rejection is likely here…I mean, yeah, the cuddling and rubbing and everything WITHOUT more intimate behavior is odd, but if there wasn’t an attraction there, I don’t think there’d be any cuddling and rubbing, either.
I suspect that it’s been platonic for so long that the guy is pretty sure he has no chance (remember the common confession among the men posting to this thread…we are thick and clueless). I think that the next time you’re cuddling and nuzzling, you should gently tell him you want more, and ask him if he would please make love to you.
That’ll work. It’ll definitely change the relationship. Even if it’s a change for the worse, in the long run you’re better off knowing. Good luck.
I’m going to second what everyone else has said - men can be pretty darned clueless. If you want to take things further, you’re the one going to have to make the move - I would not, in this case, reccommend the getting him drunk route.
However, you do need to know one way or the other, and the only way to do that is to ask him. I get the impression that he does really like you, but firstly, he hasn’t picked up that you like him, and is therefore afraid of rejection (remember - men can be dense!) or secondly, he cares so much about you that he daren’t risk what you’ve already got.
You’re just going to have to go ahead and talk to him about it. Lightheartedly probably.
what is wrong with the movie’s approach? (i would add an “exit stage right” to it though) it throws the ball into the guy’s hands, tells him of your interests without confronting him with mystical words, and leave him time to evaluate and make a conscious decision.
also, what’s with the suggestions for getting a party drunk? is that the solution to anything?
curious &
Oh look. He obviously likes you a lot. You liek him. Its perfect. Now, go talk to him nice and long about your futures, go get a ring, get married, and have wild *** all week long.
It may not work for everyone, and it sounds like it wouldn’t work here. But in vino veritas is a great phrase: alcohol often helps people drop their inhibitions and say or do things they’d otherwise be too shy or scared to say or do.
Sometimes this is a bad thing: a person who is suppressing rage and resentment can turn awful scary when drunk. But sometimes it’s a good thing: a person who is staying mum about a crush because they fear rejection might find a use for liquid courage.
I’m not talking about getting fall-down-the-stairs, puking-in-your-hair wasted. I’m talkinga bout getting a glow on.
Won’t work in all cases. But I sometimes wonder whether I would’ve been brave enough to kiss a certain woman the first time if I hadn’t had a glass of wine; now, that woman is my wife.
When I was 16 or so, I told “the one,” who was also my best friend, how I felt. Doing so was very difficult, especially because my self-esteem was not so great. He kindly but firmly told me he did not feel the same. Of course I was crushed, but our friendship didn’t end. Over the years we remained friends, best friends. I went out with other people, though not seriously. I was content being single.
When I was 26, though, things took an odd turn. Out of the blue, he asked me to marry him. So … I did. We’ve been married four and a half years.
This story has two points:
You can never tell how something will turn out.
Yes, telling him is risky, but so is not telling him. If you don’t tell him, you are risking missing out on the love of your life. That’s a much bigger risk, don’t you think? TELL HIM.
Of course you don’t understand men, dear; they’re utterly incomprehensible. The best you can hope for is to acknowledge and try to accommodate their peculiarities.
One of those peculiarities, unfortunately, seems to be an utter inability to pick up on anything less subtle than a sledgehammer to the forehead. You have to spell it out in 2-foot-high letters, and shove it directly under their noses. And sometimes they still won’t see what you’re getting at. True story: once I spent an entire year telling Dr.J that I’d really love to have a nice, current picture of him to put in the locket I’d gotten for Christmas the year before. No hinting and angling, just “You know, I’d really like to have a picture of you to put in my locket.” For Christmas, he got me flannel pajamas that he thought I’d been hinting around about, because I had mentioned once that I needed to get another set to keep at the clinic where I worked overnight. Apparently, I’d been too subtle about the whole picture thing. :rolleyes:
Do we heck. Speaking from experience here, a bloke can be telling me how wonderful I am, how much he likes me, etc etc., and I still won’t get the message.
We’re perfectly capable of subtlety, and a full range of emotional experience, it’s just not what we’re drawn to.
We like directness because we are attracted to courage.
He hasn’t made a move because a relationship with you is likely to be the last one he ever has. That’s a scary prospect. Way too much pressure there, if he’s going to be romantic with you, this person who is perfect, he has to be perfect too. A man wants to put up or shut up once and for all, but is driven by fear of failure to do so. So men will avoid commitment if they can because of the perceived consequences of failing in a commitment. We want to commit fully or not at all.
So DO NOT show up nekkid with beer. He’ll run away screaming as if you were telling him you wanted him to father your children right then and there.
Talk to him openly and honestly. Make it easy for him to talk openly and honestly. Make it easy for him to walk away and come back as he needs to. Maybe talk about “exploring” what the relationship might lead to. Maybe talk about “trying things out as a couple.” Anything that doesn’t sound like a marriage vow.
I’m pretty much in this situation at the moment and it’s awful awful awful. We’ve been friends a couple of years, coworkers, etc. Over the past year or so, we’ve become more-or-less best friends. Right when I was ready to make a move, another guy came into the picture and I (assuming she isn’t interested) supported her in the possibility they should date. They’re still together, he treats her like shit, etc.
A while back, she was drunk (reeaaaallly drunk) and said many things in front of myself and a mutual friend - and within earshot of her boyfriend - she said MANY things, some overtly sexual. What it boiled down to for me is that she begged me to tell her why I’ve never made a move on her, saying that she was really disappointed and that if I had a girlfriend, she’d be unbelievably jealous. Obviously, due to circumstances, I couldn’t say that I never made a move because I never thought she was interested. She has said she barely remembers anything from that night and I’m left to wonder … was there some truth there? Or was she just smashed beyond belief? And regardless, boyfriend (who is also a friend of mine, I should add, but I have always been much closer to her than him and he knows it) is still in the picture, anyway. Despite her repeated way of speaking of the future as “[X will happen], well, at least if we’re still together then.”
Bottom line - I’m a fucking idiot and I’m still not sure of what to do.
However, if things were as close with me and her and it is with Puck and her fella … I’d say it’s a sure thing.
No need to rolleyes there; it’s not stupidity so much as different wiring.
<how a het guy’s brain works>
If someone ever told me that they wanted a picture of me, my first reaction would be to think, “Whatever for?”. It would totally never occur that having a picture of me would be a symbol of something important; my mind simply doesn’t work that way. It would simply seem a peculiar, even nonsensical request.
And I’d probably be thinking in a more practical way as well. The flannels you mention would seem a logical present that would be more appreciated. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t get the picture; but I would consider it a trifle rather than Something Important.
Or at least I would have before reading this thread.
</how a het guy’s brain works>
