Generally, I’m all for having sex asap in a relationship. The reason I’m dating you is because I think you’re hot and I’d like to get some.
However…
There is something to be said about getting to know someone, falling for them, and then doing the naughty.
This just happened with me in my current relationship. I was dating this gal for about 2 months before we took the next step. We came close a couple times but she was the one that throttled back and I agreed. We even slept together on couches and in a bed once without sleeping together.
I fell in love with her during this time.
The sex after that was incredible - the best in my life. It’s not just that the physical part was better, but the passion and the pillow talk and every aspect of the whole experience was, like, wayyy better than any first time I’ve experienced before.
Oh, and it lasted all night because we both wanted it to. We could communicate and share thoughts and that made it all the better.
Really. And in the years I’ve been dating it’s rarely been a problem. When the guy does have a problem with it, he can happily go on his way. He’ll be able to move on with a girl who is more compatible and I’ll move on to someone as well. Too many fish in the sea to worry about that.
I haven’t stopped and thought about every one to give a clear total, but I’ve been on two dates with at least 75 guys since I’ve been 16. If I wasn’t physically attracted to them, I wouldn’t have even gone on one date with them, so it isn’t a matter of not being attracted. I’m just not going to sleep with every guy I find attractive.
It’s a made up term. Use your imagination.
Think along these lines…overly hairy…non-showered…on the rag (not always bad in and of itself)…doesn’t wipe well and/or is incontinent…semen from last date still evident…
you get the picture.
Or, of course, if it takes you an hour to come, and she is too sensitive after ten minutes, or vice versa.
Or any of a number of possible conflicts, both physical and mental.
Whether someone would even want to try to change their sexual desires to compromise with a partner is an even larger issue.
In most of my experience, talking it over can indeed fix it- but a lot of people don’t usually want to have those conversations before the first interaction- they will just drop out if it isn’t quite what they are into.
And while I am open to talking about just about everything, though I hate to admit it, there are times I too have just faded away after a not great experience. Wasn’t bad, just wasn’t what it could be, and I wasn’t interested enough in the long term at the time to want to train them or myself in new and different ways.
A partner who refuses to discuss his/her sexual preferences/appetites is sexually incompatible with everyone.
Anyway, you can’t just “talk things out” every time. If you genuinely are into bondage/puppies/swinging, and your partner has a genuine fear of ropes/dogs/wife-swapping or something, the shit just ain’t gonna work.
If access to sex is restricted, sex becomes more valuable.
Trouble is, practically *anyone *can have sex.
Soooo, the next thing you do is try to convince people that sex that’s *easy to get *has less value, or that sex that’s hard to get has some intrinsic value.
Like water. Water’s easy to get and pretty much most water’s just fine. If I came to you and said "Pay me four dollars for this cup of water, you’d laugh in my face. But, if I managed to convince you that this was Special Water, that this was Previously Untouched Water From A Glacier, that this water had been Certified Way Cool, and I carbonated it a bit and sprinkled some berry juice in it, I might get your four bucks.
And you’d get some water, a fine story and a little fruit flavoring, plus you’d be on my marketing email list forever.
Well, a few things can’t be talked out. In those cases, best to figure it out and either accept it as a klunker in the relationship or move on to fing One True Love that has even-sized ears.
For example (to callback from an older thread), sleep-cuddling level should be approximately equal. That’s an unconscious thing. Can’t control that.
But I agree, in general, a lot of stuff can be talked out or worked around by adults who are interested in remaining in a relationship where the klunk is an issue.
Ok I’m “involved” now with a woman. I enjoy the time we spend together but we weren’t making the beast with two backs after our 3rd date. I admit to being the timid one because I was afraid of rejection but now that I’m on the same page as her it’s great.
She almost had to throw herself at me for me to get the idea that she was into me and I’m glad I was able to finally get a clue.
I’ve found (from my pov) the sex has gotten better the closer we have become because I have to feel some connection to a woman to have sex with her.
I’ll admit the first time we were together I wasn’t able to put tab p into slot v because I couldn’t perform because I didn’t feel that “connection” but because of other things I was able to do she didn’t just throw me out of bed.