Just a question out of curiosity-I’m not getting involved, or offering an opinion, at least, I’m trying not to. But wouldn’t his e-mail to his ex-MIL be something for his ex to use in her favor?
What?! He’s not being an ass. He’s being a human, who is acting in a human way as he is being severely taken advantage of by a greedy and vengeful ex-wife.
Belrix, I’m sorry you can’t afford a lawyer. It adds insult to injury that she was a freeloader when you were married, and then you had to take on her debt, and now you can’t afford to defend yourself against her. It seems to never end!
Yes it could be but it also represents some of the only documentation on this divorce. Two emails ago, it was a list of questions concerning common debt, the upcoming change in custody and so forth. Some of it had to be discussed. For example, I didn’t know which weeks would be mine with kids and on what day we’d change.
We were supposed to meet face-to-face on neutral ground one evening but she kept obstructing with excuses so I sent her an email. I ran it past my fiance first and she kind-of sanitized it to only the business stuff, removing a couple paragraphs that were too emotional.
My ex- called and she was angry. We discussed a few things on the phone and then she hung up on me. I sent a new email, just adding to the first with in-line comments, documenting those things from the email that were covered verbally, how they were answered, and pointing out which of those things were yet to be answered.
She sent the poor-me email to me I pasted above and then replied to my first email. I finally have answers, in writing, as to how we’re going to handle the change in custody - this is a first. I have answers, however unsatisfying, as to the disposition of the children’s property. I’m thrilled to finally have something in writing.
I write her carefully, trying not to arm her in any way. If she were to find her way to my threads here, I believe it wouldn’t help her any - except for anonymizing the entries, I think everything I’ve written here is as truthful as I can make it.
I’m not scared of the truth.
As I deal with this, I’m trying to get less emotional but I’m still, obviously, battling it. If she takes me to court with a request to modify the agreement, I’ll have a lawyer with me - can’t not. I think I can handle the Motion to Enforce, though, since it’s dealing with an already signed agreement.
I was doing better with the whole ex-wife thing - getting less interested in her life all the time until she starting opening this new can of worms. I was content, if not happy, with the decree and had decided that if she was going to live with her boyfriend, then at least he seems like an OK guy and the kids seem to like him.
All the ill-will has come flooding back with these new actions of hers, though, and it’s really hard to keep playing nice.
I hear you all. I do. You’ve convinced me that if she files a motion to modify the divorce decree, I’ll involve a full-time lawyer.
You’ve also convinced me to stay off the board about his until it’s settled. A little bit is about arming her with more information but mostly it’s because I’m getting tired of hearing what an ass I’m being. I hear that enough from her already. My ears hurt with the sound of it.
Sure, according to HIM.
And it’s not classy to spend a year castigating the mother of your children, regardless of how human the hurt might be.
Dude, we’re trying to HELP you. Do you want hugs and kittens and cups of tea, or do you want the hard facts from knowledgeable people where you can come out of this with your pride and finances intact?
Advice is free. You can choose to take it or not. The thing is, it won’t hurt US if you don’t take it, but I fear it will hurt YOU if you ignore it.
When one person says something, it’s opinion. When two people say it, it’s rumor. When five people say it…
Believe me, dude, “you’re an ass” stings a whole lot less than “I told you so” does.
My name is Happy Scrappy Hero Pup, and I approve this message.
I said he needs to get emotionally divorced from this woman, and I stand by that. Being emotionally divorced from her is not the same as being emotionally indifferent to everything that’s going on; it means not letting her control your life, your emotions, and your reactions by flaring up every time she does something. Being emotionally divorced from your ex-wife just means cutting the strings that are still making you dance.
I’m a divorce lawyer. I can tell you, with almost 100% certainty, that if you go into court with no lawyer and the attitude you’ve displayed in this thread, you’re going to get your ass handed to you on a plate.
People usually think that the divorce is going to solve the relationship problems, but it doesn’t. Everything that was already wrong is now exacerbated.
I’m worried about the kids.
No matter what Belrix sees or how honestly he attempts to describe it here, the children are seeing a different picture. They see TWO wrong, hurting, angry, distracted adults.
Go to family therapy with the kids**. Find out how they’re doing. Give them a chance to talk about their experience, to vent. Face their anger and pain. You won’t be able to fix it, but you can set an example of an imperfect human being doing his best to manage.
I think you’ll learn a lot in the process, and that what you learn will help you deal with your ex-wife.
** If you’re already doing this (I miss details here and there) then bravo! I hope it’s helping.
My name is ivylass, and I am stealing this for my sig line.
(Don’t worry, Pup, I’ll use it wisely. 
)
I think that you need to get a lawyer to represent you in the hearing. From what you posted, you are not looking at this objectively and you may get your ass handed to you by the judge if you piss the judge off. (Very likely).
One thing, I would do is cut all communication with ex. If she doesn’t live up to the agreement, take her to court. Don’t involve her mother and don’t communicate any with her than is absolutely essential. Essential being visitation schedules and such. Don’t email her mother and get her involved in this because it makes you look bad and it gives her ammunition for a fight. If you need to, borrow the money from your family and pay them back. Its far cheaper to do things right originally than to try and fix them later.
I’ve been following your saga for some time and I think you need to let go of her emotionally. I don’t think that you are completely over her and I think that this colors your perceptions a great deal. I understand that it is difficult but you need to do it, both for your sake, for the sake of your kids and for the sake of your fiancee.
When in court, don’t lose your temper and don’t, repeat don’t, mouth off to the judge. This is merely person advice and should not be construed as any other than such. I don’t do divorce work as I hate it with a passion because no one is acting rationally and they tend to think of themselves as the victim in all this and it tends to be more of a headache than anything else. Other disclaimers may apply.
After he has taken possession of said ass, they will take back the plate and hand it to his ex wife.
Ain’t no maybe, baby.
Amen!
25 years after the divorce, and I’m still dealing with their crap in regard to my pending wedding- To the point where I stated yesterday that I wasn’t going to visit either set of parents except on holidays.
Sad, really.
So, yeah- Rock on with that attitude, Belix. In a few decades, when your kids are angry at you for no apparent reason, you will at least know why. (And I was never a whiny emo kid who blames everything on his parents, either. Never said a bad word about my folks until I was in my mid-twenties)
It’s not really discoverable, per se; no divorce attorney I know of would request production of “posts to internet message boards”… but it’s posted here, which makes it public record.
'Course, you’d have to know the OP’s handle to find it.
Okay, thanks. I’ve been waiting to hear someone speak up on this, for no reason other than I am a legal assistant - not in divorce - and am fascinated with legal twists and loopholes.
I agree with everyone who has said the OP should get an attorney. PLEASE don’t try to do this yourself! It is false economy in the extreme. Trust us on this, please please please! Borrow money, go to lawyers.com, whatever, but please find an attorney.
It still doesn’t mean it’s true.
Sorry, I heard this line of shit when I got divorced. One of my ex-wife’s friends used something like it (but a lot harsher) on me. But then, they were all saying what they were saying based on choosing to believe her lies, not on their direct personal knowledge of what really happened.
Even if everyone in the universe choses to say the same thing, it doesn’t make it true.
Belrix,
I think some of the people here are unnecessarily being dickweeds, but you’re going to have to get used to this, like I did, based nothing more than the fact that you’re a man in a divorce process.
Divorce, especially a nasty divorce, is a pretty horrific thing. You’re pretty much not sane and rational during the entire process and for a good year or so afterward. I went through a really nasty one with a woman who was and is on SSDI for Mental Illness. I like to say that she’s been certified by the Federal Government as being totally fucking insane. Yet all our friends chose to believe every fucking crazy assed thing she said, no matter how bizarre and irrational.
That being said, you do need legal advice, and you do need distance. No more direct communications. GET A LAWYER and make everything go through him/her.
EVERYTHING
No exceptions. If you get a letter, give it to your lawyer. If you get an e-mail, forward it to your lawyer. DO NOT ANSWER IT. If she calls, hang up or don’t answer at all in the first place. Get Caller ID if you don’t have it, buy a $20 answering machine (like I have) and screen all your calls.
If you want to vent, if you want some private support, feel free to PM me.
I should clarify- when I say it “isn’t discoverable” I don’t mean that it wouldn’t be admissible. I imagine it would- as I said, it’s public record, so there would have to be a very good reason for the court to ignore it. I just find it extremely hard to believe that the other side would a) read it, and b) find it in the first place; unless the OP’s ex knows he posts here and thinks he might say something revealing - AND knows his username.
Anyway, Belrix, while I have no doubt you’re telling the truth you don’t come across as entirely rational about this (not that that’s surprising or unusual).
Your ex may get the drop on you simply by virtue of being a better actor, and since she has an attorney and you don’t, she’ll undoubtedly be getting better lines.
Here is a list of attorneys in your area specializing in Family Law. For a single hearing on a single issue, they won’t be that expensive, and depending on Colorado law and the outcome of your hearing, they may even pay for themselves.
Sure, that doesn’t make it true. But when a finder of fact is looking around for someone who likes you and no one raises their hand, he’s going to act accordingly.
The shitty thing about situations like this is that one party can be the aggrieved party and the “evil” party can have more friends in the right place at the right time and the “evil” person “wins.” Why add fuel to the fire?
And, no offense, but Belrix can’t refute an argument of “you’re being an ass” with “my ex is a bigger ass” or “it’s her fault.” Regardless of whether those statements are true, he’s still being an ass.
One of the worst things about a law school education, I’ve found, is that I can’t argue with my non-law school friends without taking a step back. What’s “correct” is not always palatable. Belrix can be as correct as he wants to be, but that won’t make him popular. Furthermore, it doesn’t matter what he perceives his motives to be, it matters what the finder of fact perceives his motives to be, and, if he’s acting in the real world like he is on this message board, I can’t see a finder of fact being impressed with him.
A ‘finder of fact’ shouldn’t be basing judgement on opinion, feelings and ‘do I like this guy’, but that silly little thing called FACT. That’s what saved me in my divorce.
She said I was defrauding her of money and had lied about paying her debts.
I had the cancelled checks to show otherwise.
She said my house was our house, her house was her house.
I had the cancelled checks and documentation to show otherwise.
She said I was harassing her by phone and denied ever calling me. (Daily for over a month)
I suggested opening phone records to the court and she turned tail.
She said I had been physically abusive.
When asked for specific documented details, she was unable to provide any or even confirm a single specific incident. “I don’t remember” doesn’t fly in court.
She claimed to have witnessed me assaulting another woman in a public place. (never happened, I’ve never assaulted anyone.)
When asked for details, she very quickly dropped the whole thing. (Showing that it was nothing more than slander in the first place.)
She told her family and friends that I had abandoned her and that I had filed for divorce.
The paperwork showed otherwise. She was the one who filed and demanded my departure.
She pretty seriously showed, by her long term conduct in the course of the divorce process, that she was a lying piece of shit. The fact that her family and friends chose to believe and support her anyway didn’t change the fact that she was a lying piece of shit. Nor did it change the fact that I ended up with a judgement against her. They can all spend the rest of their lives mentally papering over the chasm between the reality they were shown and what they chose to believe. That’s their choice and their personal hell.
Seriously HSHP, if you can’t get past your personal opinion of people and deal with the truth of the matter, then you have no business in the legal field.