This stems from my landlord commenting on the fact that I’m never home. Mostly I’m working and I’d say I go out with friends maybe 4-5 or so times a month on average, keep in touch with them via texting/facebook/phone/whatever. I’m not “friends” with my co-workers but we’re buddies and I have a fun time with them at work and on occasion I’ll grab a drink with them. I also do a small amount of stuff on my own, like go shopping, go to a museum, whatever- frequently these trips include seeing people I know such as former co-workers.
My landlord though said she just assumed that I’m a loner, don’t have friends, only have my work, etc. etc. Having lots of books apparently contributes to this weirdness.
This just preys on my anxiety that my social life is lame as I am not a constant party person, and I have on occasion had to turn down invitations on account of work. But I always try to make it up and extend invitations to people. I guess I worry about being a huge weirdo for enjoying solitary activities too…I could spend a whole day by myself on the computer, but I balance that out by also spending a whole day with friends, and I do have near constant human interaction through work when I’m not with friends.
I guess this also creates the irrational fear that my friends aren’t really my friends, they’re just tolerating me, but I don’t have any true indication of that, just my own paranoia.
Is this a normal thing to feel? It’s not like I’m paralyzed with this anxiety on a daily basis, just something that occasionally bothers me.
ETA: There’s a grammatical error in the title…it should be others’.
We have no control over what others may think or say, CatherineZeta; to be overly concerned about it drives only you crazy. Pinheads like your landlord say stoopid stuff on a daily basis, and once it’s outta their mouth it’s gone forever for them. They don’t think about it again - and nor should you.
If your life’s workin’ for ya, that’s all that matters. If it’s taken an errant comment like your landlord’s to spark a bit of self examination, it’s not such a bad thing if it proves the impetus for some changes you’ve been wanting to make. Make 'em, and move on.
If the comments prove to you that you are completely content with who you are and how you do that, the next time someone extends a pinheaded opinion, offer them a nice hot cup of shut the fuck up.
It’s ‘normal’ if you have (mild) depression. I have been suffering from bouts of depression on and off for a couple of years, and what you describe is very similar to my symptoms when it’s bad - particularly when you say that maybe “my friends aren’t really my friends, they’re just tolerating me”. That’s a doozy, and is very difficult to recover from if you don’t feel great about yourself, because it hampers your interactions with those very friends, and can make them relate to you differently from before. I’ve found you just have to wait for a gesture that says “you are my friend, of course, why would it be any different?” And they do come, eventually.
The other day I went to meet a friend for lunch at a new restaurant. I got there a few minutes late, so when I went up to the host’s podium, I told him I was here meeting a friend and I thought she was already seated.
He said to me, in a clearly teasing way, “I don’t believe someone like you could have friends.” I just laughed a little and then luckily my friend stood up from a nearby table and I went right over and sat down.
But I kept thinking about what that guy said. I know he was kidding, but…why would he kid about that, of all things? I know I’m sensitive about this because my extrovert brother has made fun of me all my life for not having as many friends as he has, for being too shy, for not being like him, basically (and I’m 32 and he’s 30, so you’d think I’d get over this by now). And I was dressed very nicely and wasn’t at all hesitant or shy about approaching him, so I would imagine I came across as a well-put-together woman and so he thought this was a safe thing to tease me about (in the same way that someone might say to me, “God, you never stop talking, do you?” when I’m being quiet as usual)…but still.
This happened a week ago and I’m still thinking about it. ARGH.
As a public service announcement: there is absolutely nothing wrong with having a small circle of close friends, or with enjoying solitude, goddamnit.
You’re probably still thinking about it because it’s a totally WTF thing for a host in a restaurant to say. I can’t even think of a reason to say something like that in that situation, teasing or not.
Totally agreed. If your life is working for you, Catherine, that’s all that matters. You’re never home? I’m always home. I like my home - all my interesting stuff is there.
I don’t think your anxiety about this is healthy, but that doesn’t mean your landlord isn’t an ass too.
It seems like you have a great social life. You have friends, girl! And you go out. You know what I did all day today? I decoupaged a whole bunch of Altoid containers. In bed. In my pjs. Listening to Pandora and then half-watching SNL snippets on Hulu. The only words I’ve spoken all day was when I screamed at my cat for knocking over my glue. I’ve got a big pool of glue on my sheets now. But am I going to change them before I go to sleep? No. My other set of bed linen is balled up in the dirty laundry pile, and I don’t have a dryer. The glue probably won’t come out anyway.
But you know what? As pathetic as that little vignette of my life sounds, I don’t feel the least bit insecure. 'Cuz tomorrow I’m going to sell my wares on the street and make some grocery money, while enjoying the sun on my face and my Harry Potter book. And I still probably won’t speak a word all day, except for an occassional “thank you” and “Have a nice day.” In other words, I’ll be doing exactly what I want to do, and I’ll be happy because of it.
I know weird. You, CatherineZeta, are not weird.
I’ve never heard anyone making fun of someone for never being home. Never being home means you have a life, right? Your landlord is a stupid head.
People often ask me if I just woke up when I answer the phone at any time of the day because my voice is scratchy from not having talked all day. Whatevs. (I’m too old to say that, aren’t I? Oh well, what the hell.)
It’s normal as far as there are many other people who share your problem. However, this is something that you can control if you want to.
Think about why the landlord called you a loner. Do you know why? Is it because she’s known you for years, and all your friends, and that they don’t really want to be your friends? Probably not. It could, however, be that she’s insecure about her own social situation,and jumped to a conclusion about you being a loner so that her life wouldn’t look so bad. It could also be that she’s a complete moron and wanted to say something without thinking about it.
You don’t really know. Think about how much you know about the social lives of your neighbors? It’s very little because you’re not paying attention to them. Your landlord isn’t paying attention to you either.
We have a tendency to think that people who say the things we are insecure about are very smart. They’re not. They know as much about other people as you do, which is very little. People say things all the time without putting much thought into what they say. Don’t let their opinions carry any weight.
I personally don’t listen to anyone’s opinion about me unless they actually know me. You wouldn’t listen to someone’s opinion about a movie if they never saw it, right? So why listen to what someone says about you if they know very little about you?
Then there is also the fact that she’s actually wrong about your social life. And if she is right, it doesn’t matter. Unless you want to be friends with her or you need her to do something for you, why should you care about what she thinks?
I’m totally sympathetic. I know I worry too much about what other people are thinking, much less saying, Then if I let that dictate my behavior at all, I feel bad about that, too. For instance, I get up early, so I go to bed early. But I’m worried that my roommate, who I don’t even care about, will think I’m a loser for going to bed early. Sometimes I go to sleep with the light on. And I know I should be more confident about my life and do what makes me comfortable and happy as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else. Good luck to both of us!
CatherineZeta, I have your problem too (besides the landlord). I have a small circle of friends, and think they really rather spend time with other people than me, and that they are just tolerating and being nice to me. It doesn’t help that I am the one who have to initiate contact most of the time.
Of course, maybe that isn’t true. After all, despite me having a knacks for being passive aggressive (it’s one of my on-going resolution to be stop being so), I keep rejecting people whom I really don’t want to meet.
One thing that helps is mindfulness meditation. In fact it helps me to stop ruminating and over-thinking, and I highly suggests that you seek it out. The book I am using is The Mindful Way through Depression and it comes with a CD which steps you through the meditation. There’s nothing religious or mystical about it, just breathing exercises and directing your attention to your breathing, body and surroundings.
The book also teaches how to move on from nagging thoughts, like the one you have. I am prone to this as well, over-thinking the implications of off-the-cuff comments, emails and messages.
And IMHO, if you pay your landlord rent on time, don’t make a mess and don’t make life for him/her, he or she should just mind his/her own business.
I don’t know whether it is normal either, but it is something I think from time to time (I am quite shy) and I remember a professor at college expressing the same sentiment and saying that he hoped someone would dislike him enough to just tell him if this was actually the case, so you are not the only one.
Anyway if you are happy with your (social) life, don’t worry!
I think your landlord was being an idiot, but that your reaction to this is probably telling you something. It sounds like you are indeed a bit insecure about your social life. Maybe you should try something new for a bit, just to try it. Try taking a class or going to a meetup group or something.
Thank you – I’m glad I’m not the only one who thinks that was bizarre. I’m sure tons of people show up at restaurants and say “I’m here to meet a friend” – why would you ever respond to that with any kind of joke, instead of “Their name, please?” or whatever? So weird.
I would think “you’re never home” comment to imply that you are a social butterfly/slut.
You are supposed to receive gentleman callers at your home between certain hours. Not be out.
But then again, I always assume the worst possible interpretation of anything anyone says to me.
