(I must! I have to! Someone has to–and that someone is me!)
I hate you too, pld
Sorry, my evil side won out there. No, I don’t hate you. You are one of the posters who irritates me beyond all reason and drives me into a seething fit, but I know why: we’re too much alike. We both have the failure of wanting to win the argument at all costs and in doing so lose sight of the concept that listening to others’ opinions is supposed to help open our minds, not draw up the siege barriers.
I’ll have to be on my psychiatric meds for the rest of my life, too. I’ll also have to be on insulin injections for the rest of my life. When I think that not very long ago these meds weren’t available, and how horrible my life was without Paxil, I don’t mind taking them at all. Taking medication for an illness is not a failing or a sign of weakness!
I give you props for opening this thread. It helped me see you more as a real person instead of that #%@#*% guy who drives me up the wall.
(I must! I have to! Someone has to–and that someone is me!)
I hate you too, pld
Sorry, my evil side won out there. No, I don’t hate you. You are one of the posters who irritates me beyond all reason and drives me into a seething fit, but I know why: we’re too much alike. We both have the failure of wanting to win the argument at all costs and in doing so lose sight of the concept that listening to others’ opinions is supposed to help open our minds, not draw up the siege barriers.
I’ll have to be on my psychiatric meds for the rest of my life, too. I’ll also have to be on insulin injections for the rest of my life. When I think that not very long ago these meds weren’t available, and how horrible my life was without Paxil, I don’t mind taking them at all. Taking medication for an illness is not a failing or a sign of weakness!
I give you props for opening this thread. It helped me see you more as a real person instead of that #%@#*% guy who drives me up the wall.
pld, I could have written most of the OP myself, then we’d both be wrong. You are one of the Dopers I look for in these fora because your posts are well-reasoned and concise (and often right), as opposed to mine, which can be rambling and emotional (and often wrong). I know I get a wild hair up my ass from time to time, but I don’t beat myself up for it. We crossed swords once, but you were right. In this thread I apologized to you for going overboard, but it was three days or so after your last post and you might have missed it.
I went through a period of bitter self-hate years ago, and one of the things I told myself I’ll share with you. You deserve your own respect. You’re not a perfect person (hey, someone had to say it ) but you’re a pretty good guy. If you think you are hateful, you’re just wrong. I doubt that there is anything you’ve ever done for which you should not forgive yourself. (You haven’t murdered or raped anyone have you?) You probably compare favorably with most of the people you know or know of. Being your own worst critic is pretty normal, I suppose, but it’s really a waste of effort. There are plenty of people in the Pit who will do the criticizing for you … and still like and respect you.
You said “I don’t want to not have friends anymore.” But I think you can see from this thread that you do have friends here. I would like you to include me among them. I’d be willing to bet that if you look around you IRL you will find you have friends there, too.
One more word from a consumer: I’d just like to stress a point that I think you may not exactly have serene mindfulness of at the moment.
And that is: you were going to do the above.
And then you didn’t.
Now, to me, that’s the kind of action that indicates a certain measurement of how hateful (or not) a person is. My particular meters lean sharply towards the parenthetical of the previous.
I don’t think we’ve ever even posted in the same thread before, but I wanted to say I’ve been where you are (and am slowly slidding back there. Time to refill my Rx dontcha know.)
I third the idea of creating a list. Cheesy as it may seem, for me it was a literal lifeline. Only instead of me creating it I had two people, who I knew would be absolutely honest with me, write down concrete reasons why they like/love me. Not “you’re nice” but “you’re always interested in learning something new and I like that you’re always helping me expand my horizons.” It is extraordinarily helpful (to me) to be able to read something positive whenever I started being unreasonably harsh with myself.
SpoilerVirgin also has a good idea (which I will try myself so thanks SV).
In any event, whatever method you choose to help you get past this point, please keep talking to us. As such a longtime member of this community you should definitely know that there are many available shoulders.
[sub]Yeah so I’m sappy. What can I say? [ccbloom] I feel deeply.[ccbloom] [/sub]
Ummm… did you know that if you do some cycling for more than an hour, at about the 45 minute mark your own internal pain killers called ‘endorphines’ kick in?
If you stick at cycling and get fit enough to ride 2 hours a day at a brisk pace, you achieve all of the following…
(1) You’ll always be on a natural high.
(2) You’ll lose weight - this is an absolute fact!
(3) You’ll be really proud of how you look because you lost weight.
And the net result? Well, you’ll still be a pain in the arse to everyone, but this time, you’ll be such an engaging loveable charismatic pain in the arse that everyone will be wanting to be in your company regardless!
Phil, I’ll chime in here on the obvious fact that yer not any of the shit you done said. Primarily, for me, is the fact that you wholeheartedly advocate for animal rights, with a good balanced tooth and claw. You always say what I wish I could say best.
To advocate for animals indicates a mind that is well past simple human ego. I have seen you do this again and again, and in times when the tongue lashes were much more severe. You’ve always stood up to that, and have been a fine voice for those who can’t speak. Anyone who sees that is a fine soul in my book. Any kindness in this world is noted, mebbe in the weirdest of ways imaginable. Thinka that, and thinka how much I thinka ya…
Like me Phil, you are partly evil. You need to embrace that evil as a noble attribute putting you above the common morass of well-meaning but inept humanity.
Phil - allow me to chime in with the “depression is a stone bitch” crowd. You and I have met IRL, and you’re damn good company. Joy and I still get a laugh out of your “Schindler’s List of teen sex movies” line. I’ve never seen you play in your band (if you’re still in it), but Sqrl and dcnewsman both have and they said you’re good.
Being in debt and being in a physical condition you find not to be personally ideal are definite factors. I don’t know what meds you’re on, but perhaps it is time to talk with your physician or a counselor to see if something else will be of better help. As I’ve mentioned once or twice here, I’ve been taking Prozac for just under six months now and I just can’t imagine what my life might be now without it. Therapy helps, too.
I had planned to merely commiserate instead of give advice, but my last sentence prompts me to say: Don’t try to go it alone. I thought I could beat my issues single-handedly and only ended up beating myself up more severely when I failed at it. Find a therapist or a counselor if you haven’t already (pop me an e-mail and I can recommend one). Getting help may feel like the worst admission of failure of all, but being able to talk through all the shit that’s clogging your brain, in a neutral environment, is one of the best things you can do for yourself.
This needs to be repeated. Last winter I had probably the third-worst depressive episode I’ve ever had (second to the nights filled with thoughts of suicide that was roughly half my high school time and the spring of 2000 which was spent lusting after any number of things I cared entirely too much about to devote weeks and months to them). And I realized then that my plan of beating it myself was … well, not going to work. Really really REALLY not going to work. The only thing that kept me from killing myself (and this is actually the same thing that prevented it in high school) was, of all things, the fear of failing.
Treading dangerously close to the “Oh, let’s have a big group hug!” waters that some Pitizens like to steer clear of, there is a list of dopers I have, in my brain, whom I would like to meet at some point in my life. The list is actually surprisingly small (mainly because I’ve met most of them:)) now, and the bulk of it is folks who are pretty universally respected/admired/liked on this board (the others are members of my crush list:)). The one reason you aren’t on that list is that I have already met you:)
I think Scylla is still mentally in that “what alignment are you?” thread;)
) but you’re a pretty good guy. If you think you are hateful, you’re just wrong. I doubt that there is anything you’ve ever done for which you should not forgive yourself. (You haven’t murdered or raped anyone have you?) You probably compare favorably with most of the people you know or know of. Being your own worst critic is pretty normal, I suppose, but it’s really a waste of effort. There are plenty of people in the Pit who will do the criticizing for you