I have decided to reverse my opinion re: vociferous poopers.

In this thread, I defended the subject of the rant, saying I thought it was no big deal that the guy was doing a little grunting and groaning, even letting slip with a “Whoo Boy” during his poop session.

I have changed my mind.

This morning, while contributing to the employment of plumbers, toilet makers, and drainage specialists at the place where I work (translation: Taking a crap) the stall next to me was occupied by the Narrative Crapper. He essentially talked to himself about his bowel movement the entire time, including songs.

Most of this was said in a low voice that he probably thought wouldn’t be heard. I’m pretty sure that, at least initially, Narrative Crapper was unaware that I was two stalls down.
Here is what I heard:

[Door Opens, closes, locks. Sounds of zipper and what-not.]

“Okay, let’s see what we can do about this. Maybe we can get something accomplished today.”

Humming.

Grunt. Grunt.

“Wow, this will take a little effort.”

Grunt. Grunt. Plop.

“Oh yeah, here we go. We’ve got the ball rolling! Little pieces of me on thier way to floatsville!”

Grunt. Grunt.

“Whew.”

“NNNNNNNGH!”

Plop.

“Yeeeah, how you like me now, beeatch? That’s right!”

[sings]Who lets the logs out? ME! ME! ME![/sings]

[By this time, I’m horribly fascinated. Part of me wants to get up and leave, business unfinished or not. Another part wished it had a tape recorder.]

“Man, I gotta start eating more fiber, this is getting out of hand.”

Grunt. Grunt.

Panting. (I swear!)

Grunt. Grunt.

“Oh JESUS.”

Panting.

“NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH!”

PLOP.

“It’s a boy! You must be so happy!”

[mimicking a woman’s voice]
“Oh yes! Isn’t he so CUTE?”
[/mimicking a woman’s voice]

“Well, no, it looks like a little piece of s***.”

At this point I flushed and left my stall. Oddly enough, this was the first time there was silence from his stall. For all I know, he’s still in there talking to himself.

I’ve seen and heard some weird stuff in my time, but this was among the weirdest.

thats so funny, this is the best part i think… [sings]Who lets the logs out? ME! ME! ME![/sings]

Tell me you just made that up. Please.

Good Lord, are there really people who do this???

That was part of the horror for me. I’m sitting there in partial shock and actually stifling a giggle or two.

Hahaha…

I suggest that next time you go to the loo and he’s in there with you, you take a tape recorder with you. So that you can share the Narrative Crapper with the rest of us.

We all need some entertainment in our lives.

Heh, people freak me out. Anybody else picture Tony Robbins taking a dump?

I can’t believe you kept a straight face.

I seriously considered saying something, but by the time I was actually departing the “zone” I was wavering between hysterical laughter and outright horror.

Good suggestion Broken Doll, but I really don’t want to have to hear it all again. It throws off the concentration, ya know?

And Scout, sadly, it’s all true.

I’m meeting friends at a restaurant tonight. I’m gonna print this out, sit in a stall, and repeat the whole performance. Damn, that’s funny!

Thanks,welby

So if this was at work, do you know who it was?

Yeah, who’s the culprit? Maybe next time (and you know there’ll be a next time) you should do a shoe check. See if you can identify The Guy Who Talks Out Of His Ass.

That’s so awesome. Not that I’d want to hear that in any bathroom anywhere, but damn, that makes for a good story.

I didn’t hang around to find out who it was, and definitly didn’t recognize the voice. I do plan to investigate though, might be good to have the upper hand on someone.

Now that was utterly disgusting, and funny as shit I don’t know what I would have done if I was on your toilet , but I think it would have involved pinching and squeezing and getting the hell out of there…:smiley:

Welby, could it be that your “friend” knew he had an audience and decided to play with you for a while? My favorite line is, “Who let the logs out? ME ME ME!!” Truly inspired stuff!

I’m LMAO here. “Who let the logs out?” indeed. That’ll be my new diaper changing anthem.

Who let the logs out? YOU! YOU! YOU!

Seriously, you need to bug the bathroom. And find out who the inspired guy is. And send him some bran muffins.

I…am…stunned. And I’m not easily impressed or shocked anymore.

Dare I say it…More, please! Get it on tape. Set it to music. Put it on an audiofile that we can download (Okay, no “load” jokes!).

:eek:

Dang.

If I were welby, I’d think a fellow Doper was on to me.

(No, not me.)

thanks sweetie I needed that