In this thread, I defended the subject of the rant, saying I thought it was no big deal that the guy was doing a little grunting and groaning, even letting slip with a “Whoo Boy” during his poop session.
I have changed my mind.
This morning, while contributing to the employment of plumbers, toilet makers, and drainage specialists at the place where I work (translation: Taking a crap) the stall next to me was occupied by the Narrative Crapper. He essentially talked to himself about his bowel movement the entire time, including songs.
Most of this was said in a low voice that he probably thought wouldn’t be heard. I’m pretty sure that, at least initially, Narrative Crapper was unaware that I was two stalls down.
Here is what I heard:
[Door Opens, closes, locks. Sounds of zipper and what-not.]
“Okay, let’s see what we can do about this. Maybe we can get something accomplished today.”
Humming.
Grunt. Grunt.
“Wow, this will take a little effort.”
Grunt. Grunt. Plop.
“Oh yeah, here we go. We’ve got the ball rolling! Little pieces of me on thier way to floatsville!”
Grunt. Grunt.
“Whew.”
“NNNNNNNGH!”
Plop.
“Yeeeah, how you like me now, beeatch? That’s right!”
[sings]Who lets the logs out? ME! ME! ME![/sings]
[By this time, I’m horribly fascinated. Part of me wants to get up and leave, business unfinished or not. Another part wished it had a tape recorder.]
“Man, I gotta start eating more fiber, this is getting out of hand.”
Grunt. Grunt.
Panting. (I swear!)
Grunt. Grunt.
“Oh JESUS.”
Panting.
“NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGH!”
PLOP.
“It’s a boy! You must be so happy!”
[mimicking a woman’s voice]
“Oh yes! Isn’t he so CUTE?”
[/mimicking a woman’s voice]
“Well, no, it looks like a little piece of s***.”
At this point I flushed and left my stall. Oddly enough, this was the first time there was silence from his stall. For all I know, he’s still in there talking to himself.
I’ve seen and heard some weird stuff in my time, but this was among the weirdest.
