Everyone is acting like he abandoned his children.
My father left his wife and kids (me aged 5 and sis aged 8) about 35 years ago to be with someone he met at work. My mother went out of her way to not badmouth him. Then, when I was a pre-teen, I realized that while my mother was raising us in a loving home although in poverty, my father was living as though his children were minor inconveniences deserving of a court-ordered check and no connection. Thus began a life of always trying to please impossible to please men and hating myself for being imperfect.
My dad recently found my mom on facebook and begged her to get us to connect with him because he thinks of us every day. I am not interested. By my choice he did not attend my graduations, or wedding. He has never met his grandson.
Just wanted you to know what might be facing your children. I hope your girl is worth it.
It’s a sad, sad story - both the OP and the replies.
Richard, here’s hoping you don’t have cause, in the future, to regret your decision. I concur
that, whatever the causes that led to the problems with your wife/children, you seriously consider getting help with your (self-styled) poor personal communication skills.
Those of us who had divorced parents, or were one of the parents of divorce, obviously have baggage. Please remember that your family may experience the same.
an seanchai
Just a couple of points.
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I will be seeing my children more now than I did before, as now I will be living in the same city as them full time and sharing their care.
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I’m from a broken marriage myself so have some idea of what will face my children, though my father wasn’t able to see me as much as I’ll be able to see my kids.
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The writing style is just my writing style. I have difficulty writing in a personal way whatever the subject matter is. I’m sure if you asked my wife she’d tell you I’m taking full responsibility for my actions.
Alright, a couple plus one.
Go Ozzie Go! Lets hear it! Of course the consequences of your actions are pretty easy to face, when you are not the one being stung.
To the OP:
You keep adding spin to your story, so that you don’t seem like such a bad guy. But you are the one who is screwing over your wife and kids, and seemingly trying to justify your lack of faithfulness.I hope your wife will find happiness with someone better, and that YOU get what you deserve.
Richard Pearse– you are no longer my friend.
Yeah, well, he kinda did.
Can you elaborate? Is it specific to something you read about this situation or is every person who divorces/separates and does not have primary physical custody also count as abandoning their children?
It really seems a strange charge here, since he’s *been *absent more than not and has changed his employment situation to be with them *more *now.
sigh
again, it’s because he conveniently waited until after he walked away from his family to do so. It’s a rather transparent attempt to make it seem “not so bad.”
What “again”? I’m asking a specific question: how does that fact make it “abandoning his children”? That’s my question-- is the act of (initiating) divorce and not being the primary caregiver de facto abandoning your children?
I can’t blame anyone for feeling that he is abandoning his children given the title he gave to this thread.
That may be an understandable gut feeling, but the reality may not be so clear. Or maybe it is.
I was truly asking the question, since the statement seemed so definitive. If he divorced under more typical circumstances, to the kids the outcome would be the same. Is that also abandoning your children?
This doesn’t need to be a hijack- the statement just struck me as odd, as if I missed something new in the thread.
I really don’t have much of an opinion about it, honestly, but the title and the text of the OP seemed to be very casual about the “See ya, kids!” nature of the decision.
Sadly, I think the reality in many families is that divorce does lead to estrangement from the non-custodial parent. That might happen in this case, but the OP can avoid it if he wants to.
He barely mentioned his kids, in his OP. It was all about him, his wants, his needs, his desires.
Children who have a parent leave the family have abandonment issues, especially children too young to process the ‘talk’. All they know is he’s not there, at their most difficult moments, so they feel abandoned. You really don’t understand that?
Also, a woman who believes her partner, when he promises her forever, through thick and thin. Who, based on that belief, produces a family, only to be blindsided and have that world shattered, can feel some righteous betrayal. Now she, suddenly and unexpectedly, is facing raising two small children, alone. There will not be another adult around for her to talk to or process this, so yeah, some women let it out on the only people around -their kids. Because they are broken by being blindsided and having their life, and the lives of their children shattered. Is it right? No, it’s not. But I can understand it a little more in circumstances such as this, where this woman was just blindsided by this. They already had financial problems before this, divorce lawyers cost money, as do new girlfriends, this is how women and children fall into poverty and why the statistics skew so highly that way.
In pursuing his new romance his has made choices for his family that they will pay the psychological freight on, nothing changes that.
I would say yes. No matter if he lives next door; no matter if he is as happy as a clam and his kids benefit from that happiness; no matter if his ex-wife is also as happy etc. The marriage has still failed and one of the “products” of that marriage are his daughters, who (at least until they grow to adulthood) will never stop wanting their parents to match up with “normal” intact families: every child has that dream of Happy Family, which includes Mom, Dad, sibs (maybe) and a pet, in a home. It’s why kids draw pics of Dad with slippers and pipe, even if Dad has never smoked and doesn’t wear slippers. I’m only speaking for my generation, but I doubt that the core of this has changed all that much. It’s not something that kids are able to articulate, but they do feel the lack–EVEN if they realize that all concerned are happier apart.
Plus, even with Dad being gone as much as he was, he was still tapped into the daily life of his kids (as much as HE wanted to be, that is) in a way that living apart, even next door, does not provide him.
So, yes, I do say “abandoned”, but it’s probably not in the same sense that the word is commonly used. He’s not leaving them by the roadside in his rearview mirror literally, but his emotional energy, time and attention will no longer be focused on THEIR day to day existence. It will be on his new future with Ms Promise Ring.
I think he will find that his daughters (especially the oldest, who is old enough to cotton on to stuff quite quickly) do not share stuff with him as they MIGHT have if he had been still living in their home. He will no longer be a part of that inner circle.
It may not be PC to say it; it may hurt some divorced non-custodial parents here to hear it, but it’s true. He will soon be a visitor in his own daughters’ lives–unless (and that’s a huge unless because he hasn’t shown us here–not that he is required to by any means–that he’s been all the involved in their lives up to this point and so, what is easier, more familiar and simplest? Going on as you have already) he makes HUGE changes and really tries to engage these girls on their level, in their own time, taking into account the hurt, fear, bewilderment and anger that they will be experiencing. He has broken a fundamental trust with them.
They could grow up and be just fine. They could grow up and be trainwrecks or anything in between–none of us know. Let us hope for the best. But I don’t think the OP has really thought about this from his daughters’ POV. Doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go through with this life change. I am not about to advocate for anyone to stay in a marriage “for the sake of the children”. What I am saying is that actions have consequences, sometimes long after the initial event, and he needs to be aware of that, and do all that he can to ameliorate the pain for these girls (not including The Girl in there).
It will be the hardest thing he’s ever done–he will need to be ruthlessly honest with himself, acquire the patience of Job and the wisdom of Solomon. But he can make a healthy relationship with his daughters as a non-custodial parent (I won’t even bring up the strong chance of sabotage by an embittered ex-wife and the poison dripped into children’s ears…).
And all this for the girl. I do hope she’s worth it.
You have no idea the effect on a girl when her father turns in her and her mom for a newer model. Even if you turn into the world’s greatest dad (which is doubtful considering the level of selfishness your whole story points to) the fact remains that you are teaching your daughters that men will leave them, even though they may say they love them.
And just exactly what does the girl think about the fact that you have two young children? Is she ready to be take second place for the times you have them? Now that she is free to do what she likes, is she ready to make the commitment to help raise two children, getting up early on weekends, eating in family friendly restaurants, and standing while the preschooler throws a tantrum in the grocery store?
Exactly, Gabing. It was bad enough that he was an emotionally absent father–they might have grown close over the years in some way or another-found a way to connect (any maybe not). They still can, but this is now a massive obstacle; the breaking of trust. Of course, the girls (not The Girl) may idealize Dad (probably already have to explain his absence in their lives) and demonize Mom. I’m only speculating here, but I know enough daughters of divorce (besides being one myself) to know the common patterns. And of course, the whole “replace mom with a younger model” example will resonate nicely.
Doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done, but it’s not all happy shiny shit.
Not entirely sure I agree with this observation as it stands. I’ve been married almost 20, and what is most important, IMHO, isn’t the length of time as the effort invested, and it isn’t apparent he invested much effort, so I’m not sure I’d call it much of an attempt.
I’ve been attracted many times outside my marriage, as has my wife I’m sure…