Watch out for the Calorie Cops. When they are dispatched, you can bet the heat is on.
My landlord yelled at me today because my heating bill is through the roof and that he’s going to have to come over soon to discuss a solution. I told him my door is always open.
I couldn’t stand my last landlord. He was always walking around like he owned the place.
He told me that his grandfather invented pilates but I knew that was a stretch.
Yeah, he was full of it. In addition to the pilates remark, he said his property was haunted, but that he had the ghosts exercised.
The safest place in a haunted house is the living room.
Well, the dining room is where the owner can gHost a dinner party.
What do you mean - our condo was built in a former cemetery?
I like playing poker in the cemetery because it’s always easy to dig up another player.
No matter how the game is going, dead poker players never lose their decomposure.
It’s not necessarily the way you play the game; it’s the spirit with which you play it.
The gigolo’s favorite game is three-card stud.
As I handed my best friend his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know one would have been enough.”
You gave him 50 birthday cards? That really takes the cake.
I remember attending a birthday party where they served fruitcake. Not my favourite, so I screamed instead.
I’ve been to parties in which all the guests were fruitcakes.
Sometimes I sing on cakes.
If you use a milk-based frosting then you should definitely be pudding that cake in the refrigerator.
If you don’t, they’ll take you into custard-y.
I’m a big flan of that dessert.