A friend of mine is really smart, reasonably attractive, and a world-class engineer/mechanic. But he is awkward around women and although he started a prestigious college at age 16, he ended up dropping out because his OCD made it impossible for him to do the schoolwork. So his self-assessment about his appeal to women wasn’t that high, perhaps rightly so.
He was working in a lab at Harvard and got to know a pretty female Ph.D. candidate doing research in the lab. He thought she was wonderful. But … a college dropout and a Harvard Ph.D. candidate? Nah…
But he really, really liked her. So he thought about it for a long time. And said to himself,“she might be The One. And if I let her get away without even trying, I am giving something up that could change my whole life.”
So he screwed up his courage and even though he was scared to death he asked her out.
They’ve been married about 20 years now and I can’t think of any couple less likely to divorce.
A great hitter thinks he is doing well if they connect 3 times out of 10 - which means they fail 70% of the time. And they’re pro’s.
Until I got my head wrapped around the likelihood I’d get shot down, oh, 80% - 85% of the time (I was far from a pro, trust me) , I was paralyzed. With odds like that, you CAN’T take it personally. You have to pay attention, learn and improve where you can over time - but you can only do that if you practice enough…
That’s a problem. Sooner or later you’re going to have to own up to that and ask again. For now call her Cool Biker Chick.
Who cares? Assume she doesn’t. If she brings it up later, then you’ll know. And please please please, don’t ask. That’s an instance where a false positive can ruin things for both of you.
But I get it about blowing in-the-moment chances. I had one yesterday.
I was stopped on the sidewalk by two incredibly cute young ladies. They wanted to know if I knew when the parking meters were no longer in effect. I said that I think it’s 6:00, but it probably says right on the meter. We searched around and found that yes, it was in fact 6:00. “Huh, five minutes to go”, one girl said. “Do you think we’ll be OK?” She was asking me as much as she was asking her friend. I was clearly in an interaction. I said “Hey, if you want to take the chance… Just put in a quarter, you’ll be good.” She said she didn’t have one. Her friend started looking for nickels and dimes. I rolled my eyes and handed the friend a quarter. They were greatful. They were incredibly greatful. One immediately stuck her hand out to shake mine and called me a great guy. Their body language screamed that I could have asked them for anything, and they would have gladly given it. I used that tried and true pickup line “Ok. Umm… bye.”
Have you ever considered that you might face consequences from not buying into the “don’t do it because it’s creepy” line of thinking? If I’m reading you right, you’re saying that whether or not someone is disturbed by your actions is not your concern. Am I just way off? Because that really is creepy.
Ring the doorbell and say “I think I might have left my riding gloves in your truck?” (do not be wearing riding gloves when you ask. That’s important.)
Not remembering her name is a bit of a problem…
You had a nice time with this person. You helped her. She asked for your contact information. Maybe she lost it. Maybe she just wanted to send you a thank you card and 10 bucks.
If she has a boyfriend, he may very well thank you. Then leave things be. Just be a person.
OR SCRATCH ALL THAT… don’t be dishonest.
“ding dong” Hiya, I’m Red. I was out for a ride and thought I would stop by and see If you got your bike going.
You will either see smiles and sunshine, or “yeah, It’s all fixed, thanks”
The obsession with “is this creepy or not?” is creepy because, in almost every case, it seems like the answer is “yes” and the person asking either (a) already knows or (b) really, really should. YMMV.
Do you notice a foul-smelling discharge about once a month, with mood—WAIT!
Let’s start with #3. If she has a bf etc. and sucked you in, that’s on her. Anybody could do that to anybody and unless you’re prepared to start doing background checks on people before asking them out, you have to let this one go. “Everybody plays the fool sometimes,” but if she’s pulling that bs, then she’s the fool, not you.
#2 You can say, “Oh, I’m sorry, I must have the wrong house,” abort the mission, etc.
#1: Oh let’s not go there again.
You need to just go for it. You need to throw yourself out there and if you get shot down, que sera, sera: at least you’ll know and you can let it go.
But I think you also need to gird your loins (isn’t that the expression?) and walk up there with confidence. She told you to stop by and goddamnit, that’s exactly what you’re doing. She hugged you, fer cry-eye!!!
IMO everybody has a hoop or two for you to jump through. A lot of women would like to think they’re confident enough to call but when the chips are down…? So you end up having to bust the move, which is par for the course anyway. Worst that can happen is she’ll say no but even then, you’ll be able to move on.
Now slap on some cologne, put on those riding leathers, adjust the boys, kick start that hog, and go get her!
Sucked him in? You’re joking, right? She asked for assistance, he provided it. She suggested he stop by with his contact info and he provided it on the spot instead. She gave him a hug. This is sucking him in?
She didn’t provide a phone number. After he gave his contact info she didn’t say “Well, stop by sometime anyway!” or “I’ll give you a call, okay?” or “Want to come in for some coffee?” or “Maybe we can hang out and talk about bikes sometime!” or anything else that would be a hint or a lure.
We’re going on the assumption that the phantom call was her. It could have been her, for sure. It also could have been any of the other hundreds or thousands of people who call the business in a normal day. It could have been a wrong number or a bad transfer. It could be so many things, I’m surprised to see how many people are convinced it is this girl because his phone “never rings.”
Really, it comes down to just giving it a chance. The worst thing? She has a boyfriend, isn’t interested, or she thinks it’s creepy and acts nervous. Ok. Then you know. I don’t get all of the worrying and apprehension. Stop by over the weekend and say “I was out riding and wondered if you got your bike fixed?” and go from her reaction. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If it’s a no, it’s a no. The sun will rise tomorrow.
Good luck
Really and truly, not all women leave the house with the intention of luring men. Sometimes we just want to go about our day.
His question was, “What if she has a bf?” I interpreted this as, “What if it’s a set-up?” because her invitation to come watch her race, stop by sometime, etc. is more than friendly IMO. Stated another way, I don’t think her bf would appreciate it if some stranger came to watch her race, stopped by to drop off a card (her original suggestion) and so on.
She already invited him…that’s more than many women will do and maybe as far as she’ll encourage him before expecting him to take the hint.
I’m not going on that assumption at all.
Agreed.
And sometimes you show an interest in a guy and hope he takes the hint.
Since you took my “we’re going on an assumption…” statement as a personal statement, I’ll take this “you” as in ME. Of course, I realize all women are different, blah blah blah.
I’m not going to try to get some random guy on the street to take any hints. Basically it would be a situation of “Hey, I like the way you look because I don’t know another damned thing about you.” and I don’t need that.
Of course, keep in mind that I’m not a girl who lives to be in a relationship. Even when I was more open to being in a relationship, I still wouldn’t go out with some random guy I met while out.
I also realize this is a bit of a sore subject for me since I actually resent when guys try to get overly friendly when I’m going around doing daily stuff. You’d be surprised how many people (guys and girls, I’m sure) just can’t take a hint. I have experienced a few too many guys who behave as if I’m there just begging for their attention. Honestly, I find it a bit rude.
Yikes, almost as rude as me hijacking this thread with my little rant! Maybe I should do an “Ask the girl who doesn’t want dating/relationship/marriage” thread.
Seriously though, good luck Red Barchetta, I hope you two get to ride your bikes into the sunset together
So what? If she finds it creepy, then it’s her problem, not his. What possible consequences could he face? Getting beaten up by the jealous boyfriend? Not terribly likely. Getting arrested? It’s not illegal to ring a doorbell, especially one belonging to someone who invited him over. She finds him skeevy? Then he leaves. No one is harmed.
It seems to me that he faces two choices: One, run the slight risk of making someone feel uncomfortable, on the chance that two people can find great happiness, or two, admit defeat and not try at all.
Since the question was originally posed to Autolycus, here’s the thread where he was harassed by his own campus police for saying “Hi” to some girls and being on campus at night (which I see we both posted to supporting him).
Yep, I remember that. In fact, we talked about it more offline.
One thing I’ve discovered is that the Sun has a huge impact on how one is perceived when greeting strangers. Sun’s out, no clouds, you can pretty much get away with anything. Sun’s out, it’s cloudy, your actions become questionable. Sun’s down, don’t even try. You’re automatically Stranger Danger. Indoors in a social atmosphere, the Sun no longer matters.
If she has his number, it’s up to her now. And if she really wanted to go out with him, believe me, wild horses wouldn’t keep her away.
If she hasn’t called by now, going to her house would just look sad. And possibly creepy and/or desperate. If she has his number, there’s really no point in it.
I dunno. A motorcycle enthusiast magazine was delivered to my mailbox last night by mistake. It was labeled with the same number as my house, but one street over. I’m seriously considering taking it by tomorrow on my bike, and seeing what kind of bike the guy has, and see if he might want to go for a ride sometime. He may have a dirtbike, he may have a smaller streetbike, I don’t know. But I really should get his magazine back to him (after I read it, of course), and since I’ll be there, I might as well talk shop for a bit.
This isn’t the greatest idea ever, because there’s no possible way he would have ridden off without noticing he didn’t have his gloves on. However, if he’s going to try it, he should toss them in the back of the truck on the way up the drive so that they’ll miraculously find them there.
But he has no reason to go over there. He already gave her his number. Now comes the part where either he gets a phone call or just says, “Hm, she’s just not that into me.”
