[QUOTE=Freudian Slit]
But he has no reason to go over there. He already gave her his number. Now comes the part where either he gets a phone call or just says, “Hm, she’s just not that into me.”
[/QUOTE]
There’s no guarantee that she isn’t too shy to call (again?) She asked a total stranger for help, received help, so now she may be asking herself “Did he help me just to be nice or did he like me too?”
[QUOTE=control-z]
There’s no guarantee that she isn’t too shy to call (again?) She asked a total stranger for help, received help, so now she may be asking herself “Did he help me just to be nice or did he like me too?”
[/QUOTE]
Sure, but I think it’s beyond his control now. If she is too shy, then that’s his loss.
[QUOTE=Freudian Slit]
Sure, but I think it’s beyond his control now. If she is too shy, then that’s his loss.
[/QUOTE]
I see what you’re saying, and I don’t disagree. But yeah, she has all of the control and he has none. He has a chance to take back some control, and if he comes off as creepy or desperate, hey, that’s a small price to pay.
A few weeks ago I met someone pretty awesome, and got both her phone number and e-mail. A couple of nights later I called her, got her answering machine, and told her to call me back. She didn’t. I figured that the ball was in her court, she had all the power, anything more from me was needy, yada yada yada. And I got nothing. A few days later, I figured I had nothing to lose, so I shot her a quick e-mail. I am SO glad I did.
Exactly. Nothing happens unless somebody does something. A lot of women are just friendly and guys read too much into that, but I think this girl had some interest in the OP.
I just think that if she actually had interest, she’d have called him by now, or e-mailed, or whatever.
Anyway, it’s not really taking back control if you look deseprate/needy, is it? It just makes you look…desperate/needy.
Also, I don’t mean to come off as a huge bitch here, but a lot of times, I’ll meet a guy and give him my number for absolutely no good reason and then realize what a huge mistake I made and think how creepy he seemed and then never return his phone calls. Believe me, if a guy like that actually showed up at my place of residence…it would be my worst nightmare ever. Maybe not all women are like this, but for me, I’d be freaking out about being stalked and so forth.
It’s quite possible that she has interest, but won’t call because some women don’t want to take that initiative. Many expect the man to do it. With only one exception, that’s the way it’s been with every single woman I’ve met over the past few months.
Will it be creepy if he stops by? Possibly, but that’s why he needs to remove as much creep factor as possible from it. Go during the day, a sunny day if possible. Ask if she’d like to go for a ride, or better yet, a cup of coffee (as opposed to asking to come in). Smile when she answers the door, but not like a psycho clown. And after all that, if she gets creeped out, then she can just deal with it.
Somewhere, right now, on some other message board, she’s saying “He knows where I live. Why won’t he stop by?”
That’s just the thing. If the OP and this woman had a chance for “great happiness” together, he wouldn’t be on a message board fretting over whether he should pop by uninvited or not. He would be invited. And no, “you should come over and drop off your business card” does not mean “you are hereby invited to pop over whenever you feel like it”. And your justification that it’s really not the creep’s problem when he’s being creepy is…well…not how I’d see it if someone creeped out my (say) daughter or niece. Let’s put it that way. It’s generally a good idea to learn at some point in one’s life that sometimes she’s just not that into you.
That sounds like something that…ah…how should I put this for this forum…
Well, again, it’s not an assumption I would hope men would make about my daughter or niece. As Freudian Slit said, having a male visitor pop up out of obscurity for an unexpected house visit is a scary experience if the girl just isn’t that into him, which, by the way, is the safe bet since she hasn’t called him. (And no, that phone ringing at the office doesn’t count. When we’re in unrequited love we freak out about little things and go “Oh no! What if that was my opportunity?!”, but really, let’s be rational about this: if she felt the same about him, she wouldn’t give up after one call at his workplace after business hours failed to reach him.
[QUOTE=Sleeps With Butterflies]
Since you took my “we’re going on an assumption…” statement as a personal statement, I’ll take this “you” as in ME. Of course, I realize all women are different, blah blah blah.
[/quote]
No, I didn’t take it as a personal statement. I knew it was possibly her calling, possibly not. Whether it was or wasn’t we may never know; however, she showed enough interest to be pursued, IMO. By “you” I meant all women probably initiate contact with a guy at least occasionally.
[QUOTE=Sleeps With Butterflies]
I’m not going to try to get some random guy on the street to take any hints. Basically it would be a situation of “Hey, I like the way you look because I don’t know another damned thing about you.” and I don’t need that.
Of course, keep in mind that I’m not a girl who lives to be in a relationship. Even when I was more open to being in a relationship, I still wouldn’t go out with some random guy I met while out.
[/QUOTE]
Well, she knows he likes motorcycles. And she knows he’s decent enough to help her without getting fresh.
I don’t suppose most women “pick up” guys at gas stations and such. Sometimes two strangers just seem to click, though, and it can go beyond physical attraction. And a one-time meeting is difficult: odds are that they will never see each other again unless one takes some initiative. If she saw him getting flummoxed, maybe she gave him a green light to help.
[QUOTE=Sleeps With Butterflies]
I also realize this is a bit of a sore subject for me since I actually resent when guys try to get overly friendly when I’m going around doing daily stuff. You’d be surprised how many people (guys and girls, I’m sure) just can’t take a hint. I have experienced a few too many guys who behave as if I’m there just begging for their attention. Honestly, I find it a bit rude.
Yikes, almost as rude as me hijacking this thread with my little rant! Maybe I should do an “Ask the girl who doesn’t want dating/relationship/marriage” thread.
Seriously though, good luck Red Barchetta, I hope you two get to ride your bikes into the sunset together 
[/QUOTE]
Red seems like a guy who is being respectful and wouldn’t push the boundaries you describe. SSDD: men and women can’t always read each other very well.
[QUOTE=Hostile Dialect]
Well, again, it’s not an assumption I would hope men would make about my daughter or niece. As Freudian Slit said, having a male visitor pop up out of obscurity for an unexpected house visit is a scary experience if the girl just isn’t that into him, which, by the way, is the safe bet since she hasn’t called him. (And no, that phone ringing at the office doesn’t count. When we’re in unrequited love we freak out about little things and go “Oh no! What if that was my opportunity?!”, but really, let’s be rational about this: if she felt the same about him, she wouldn’t give up after one call at his workplace after business hours failed to reach him.
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, basically that. I mean, you guys seem to realize that this could be creepy but you don’t seem to really care. Believe me, the OP should probably be taking a female, not male, perspective on this. Most women don’t want strange dudes showing up at our house. We prefer them in our inbox or calling our phones where we can screen them easily. How easy is it to get rid of someone who just shows up out of the blue?
So short answer, if she really wanted to be in your pants, OP, she’d be there.
Same planet, different worlds…
I dunno, control-z, it didn’t take me that long past puberty to realize that I was likely to freak a girl out (at least) or get my ass kicked (at not-quite-most) if I didn’t respect peoples’ boundaries.
Well, I sure received quite a few responses – more than I expected anyway. While I certainly appreciate all of the (conflicting) feedback, I think I almost regret posting this now.
It seems there really isn’t a consensus at all on what (if anything) I should do, and I’ve got to admit that my own opinion on this has shifted sides more than just once.
In short, I’m totally conflicted, but I think I know what I’ve got to do – take more chances and stop worrying about what might happen. I have a bad habit of coming to this board for advice when I should perhaps listen to my own thoughts for a change.
Granted, I could be wrong, but whatever, so be it – the worst that can happen is I get turned away – and the worst situation for her is she turning me away. I think there was a lot of truth in CairoCarol’s story, and that is if I just sit on my ass not never take any chances, I’m never going to get anywhere.
Cairo Carol is a together lady, she’s right, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
But I just feel like her story is an example of how you should ask someone out, go for it when you have the chance. You did have the chance–you gave her your number. She knows you’re interested. Most girls know that when a guy gives them their number that they’re interested in sex/dating/etc. I don’t think anything else needs to be “ventured.”
This isn’t that momentous. He’s just stopping by, seeing what happens. If they go out, get married, have 10 kids, great. If not, he tried.
You guys are acting like the fate of the world hinges on this. He’s just stopping by a girl’s house that he thinks is attractive and shares interests with. It’ll either work, or it won’t.
Red, just do it, it isn’t that big of a deal. The more you agonize over this, the worse it’ll be.
And if she’s one of those girls who is going to get creeped out by you dropping by, would you really want to date her anyway?
Count me in those that say you should stop by on the bike and ask her if she wants to go for a ride. In my experience, everyone I know with a bike will always be up for a ride on a sunny day and many of us are always looking for new riding buddies and someone to talk about bikes with. She races so obviously she’s serious about bikes and can’t be totally oblivious to how it works.
I can’t count the number of times I’ve been approached by other bikers in random places, who I’ve never seen before that just wanted to talk, people seem to be pretty open to others that share their interrest about bikes.
I really can’t see the downside to stopping by. If she was really the type to be freaked out by (or who tends to be cautious about) someone that she’s not that into coming by, she probably wouldn’t have suggested anything even remotely close to wanting that to happen. If she’s that neurotic, it’s her problem, not his, and hopefully if she gives off negative signals when he asks her to go for a ride, the fact that Red won’t ever show up or call again will hopefully assuage her fears some time in the next [del]decade[/del] 2 or 3 weeks, at most.
I mean, a hug and an invitation to stop by? As someone else pointed out upthread, I’d thank a stranger for giving me a lift, but if I wasn’t into her or thought she was gross or creepy or old or whatever, there’s no way in hell I’d be doling out a hug and a suggestion that she come by later. Can you conceive of a situation where a hug and an invitation to “drop by” to drop off a business card, rather than just asking for it by email or hell, just asking for a business phone number right there, would show that she wasn’t at least a little interested?
“Hey, thanks for doing all of this for me. It’s cool you’re interested in bikes. (I really don’t like this guy/this guy seems like a dork/he’s giving off some creepy vibe-- but he was really nice to me… hmm, how should I work this) Hey, maybe you want to see one of my races sometime. Do you have a work number I can contact you at?”
That would be an “I’m not interested.” But “You should come by my house to drop off a business card?” Come on, now.
Worst case scenario: she isn’t into him at all and she freaks out when he shows up. Red gets bummed, she worries that she’s going to see him every day for a month. Time passes and everything goes back to normal.
Yup, that’s the kind of tragedy we definitely need to avoid in the world today.
Go see her.
[QUOTE=Hostile Dialect]
That’s just the thing. If the OP and this woman had a chance for “great happiness” together, he wouldn’t be on a message board fretting over whether he should pop by uninvited or not.
[/QUOTE]
Huh? It must be nice to live in a world where “meant to be” magically happens. Sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes communications get misinterpreted. In the example I gave above, I called a young lady and she didn’t call back. She’s just not into me and I should accept it, right? Instead, I did the “creepy” thing and e-mailed her. We’re going out next week. She says she’s looking forward to it.
I’m sure glad I didn’t play by your rules.
That is a good idea. It’s also a good idea to learn at some point that it’s OK to take chances and put yourself out there.
Years ago I had to find some government building to pay some parking tickets. I couldn’t find the building so I decided to ask for directions. This was in the middle of the day in broad daylight on a busy street. I said, in what I’d like to think is a totally non-creepy way (yeah, I know, you already don’t believe me), “excuse me” to some woman passing by. She kept on walking. Figuring she didn’t hear me, I said it again. She hunched her shoulders, looked away, and walked faster, but not before giving me this really frightened look.
Was that my fault that she freaked out? Fuck no. It’s not my responsibility to save paranoid people from me. I have my life to live and if some people can’t handle that, then they can go ahead and get some therapy.
OK, the situation with Red and Biker Chick is not quite the same, of course. It’s a little more risky. Like I said earlier, there are things he can do to mitigate the risk.
But to assume that she’s “just not that into him”? Let’s see, she took him to her place. She told him to stop by again. She hugged him. She asked for his contact information. She invited him to come watch her race. Those are not normally the actions of someone who is creeped out. That’s interest.
As for her not calling him, that happens. Some people are phone shy, and some women don’t think it’s proper for a woman to call a man. Hmm… For seven and a half years I called a certain woman several times a week, and she almost never called me. Let’s see now, I spent every weekend with her, we had sex several hundred times, we took vacations together, and she often wondered if we’d ever get married. But she never called me. You’re right, she probably wasn’t that into me.
[QUOTE=CairoCarol]
and although he started a prestigious college at age 16
[/QUOTE]
sorry, I’m just giggling about this a bit. Pretty impressive, starting up a new college and getting accredited and having it turn out to be a prestigious college right off the bat is fairly impressive for a 16 yr old. Looks like he didn’t need that degree after all, eh?
I’m with this poster. Except . . . forget the cologne. You’ll still be standing on my doorstep next March.