I Need A Lot Of Help From Dopers! The More Quickly and Less Costly The Better!

Hello, I was doing Something Foolish and ran into serious trouble as a result. Modifying the foolish behavior is Too Hard. Can someone else please think for me and invent a way for me to keep doing foolish things without consequences?

Also can it be inexpensive and not time consuming, I’ve got better things to do with my time and money than to obey basic common sense.

Sarcastic responses will not be tolerated.


Is this a parody of something specific? If so, it belongs in the Pit, and a link would of been nice.

I’m a Gay man, but I’ve found that if you have a woman involved in you day-to-day life, you screw up waaaaaaay less.

I loves me some men, but I’ve found a good woman to be an incredible asset.

Yes, link please.

What about just practicing denial. “Weren’t me!”

Would that work?

Stay drunk on cheap booze.

You could do as George Carlin once suggested: go into a room full of feminists and say, “Which one of you cute little cupcakes wants to come back to my place, fix me a nice meal, and give me a blow job?”

I don’t think it’s a parody of just one specific thread. More like a category of threads.

I’ll only help if you promise to immediately dismiss any ideas I give you.

Jump off a bridge!

It’s cheap, it’s fast, and if you do it right now, you’ll never have to worry about consequences again!!

Claim you have tha assburgers.

Lets you get away with a whole ton of shit!

I can’t help pasting up color photos of my dick sir I haz assburgers!

You need to call a lawyer on your way to the ER!! Right now!!

Dump him or her. He’s no good for you.

I’ve been through this. You should do what I did.

  1. Surround yourself with people with memories longer than recorded time and the empathy of gnats.

  2. Swat at the gnats in a way not dissimilar to a person having a seizure in the middle of Performance Art.

Note: Do Not Hurt the Gnats! They are booked at a Carcass Convention in Vegas next month and all of them are needed.

  1. You may ask Blue for help seeking a Clue, but only after…Mail Time!

Call the police, lawyer up, fire the employee, document everything, ask the mods if you can start a thread to request monetary help, buy a new car, move to a better neighborhood, write a letter to HR, call a pro to fix it (electricity will KILL you), don’t do anything illegal, find a therapist, run Malwarebytes/AdAware/AVG, he’s an addict, just start eating less, spend less money, get off your lazy ass and stop procrastinating, call a doctor.

Does that about cover it?

Take it down to the quarry and throw it in.

It’s basic common sense to just imagine yourself as a unique invention, designed to keep doing foolish things without consequences.

This isn’t a Homework Problem, is it?
We can’t help with those. It’d be unethical.

It would be much easier to insult you for this if you let us know what your politics are first.