My friends birthday is tomorrow, and I’m going to give him some cash, but I want to make a card. We’re both Simpsons fanatics, so I thought I would put a good quote on the card, but it has to relate to giving money. The one I might use is:
(on the front)
Bart: And I’m gonna take up smoking and give that up!
Homer: Good for you boy, giving up smoking is on of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Here’s 25 dollars.
(Behind the money on the inside)
Lisa: But he didn’t do anything!
Homer: Didn’t he, Lisa? Didn’t he? Hey, wait, he didn’t! Give that back!
This is a little long, but it’s from the Timmy in the well episode. Bart is at a Chuck E. Cheese type place and he’s at the animatronic robots:
Bear: And how old are you today?
Bart: I’m…
Bear: That’s great! Would you like to hear a song?
Bart: Hell no.
Bear: Excellent! And a one, and a two…you’re the birthday, you’re the birthday, you’re the birthday boy or girl!
(I think I got the quote wrong, if anyone wants to nitpick)
If you get one of those audio cards where you can record your own message, the following would be great:
Ramone 1: I’d just like to say this gig sucks!
Ramone 2: Hey, up yours, Springfield.
Ramone 1: One, two, three, four!
[Abrasive guitar music begins]
Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!)
Happy Birthday to you! (Happy Birthday!)
Happy Birthday, Burnsey,
Happy Birthday to you!
Ramone 3: Go to hell, you old bastard.
[The curtain falls]
Ramone 4: Hey, I think they liked us!
Burns: [toward the Ramones] Have the Rolling Stones killed.
Smithers: Sir, those aren’t –
Burns: Do as I say!
If not, how about:
Smithers: Sir, I’ve arranged for the people of Australia to join hands tonight and spell out your name with candles. There’s a satellite hookup on that monitor if you’ll just turn your head slightly.
Burns: Bah, no time. Next!
If at has to be about giving money, how about putting a twenty in the card with the following quote:
Homer: Oh, twenty dollars…I wanted a peanut!
Homer’s brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer’s brain: Money can be exchanged for good and services.
Homer: Woo hoo!
I can’t remember the exact quote…something Grampa said when Homer asked him, didn’t he think it was strange that he was getting a check every month?, and Grampa said something about how he figured it was because the Democrats were back in office.
Hows about
Moe: Here you go Homer.
Homer: Thanks Moe (slaps a $20 on the counter)
Moe: Ah, Homer you know your money is no good here . . . Hey wait a minute! This is real money!
In the bowling team episode, the really old janitor is asking Mr. Burns for something. Burns, who’s on some sort of medication, replies, “Why, it’s that kindly little leprechaun.”
Smithers: It’s time to think about your birthday party.
Mr. Burns: I won’t get what I want.
Smithers: No one does.
(Imagines Mr. Burns wearing nothing except a sash, jumping out of a cake and singing ala Marilyn Monroe. “Happy Birthday, Mister Smithers…”
Smithers: Hmmmmm…
Homer: Boy, you don’t have to follow in my footsteps.
Bart: Don’t worry. I don’t even like to use the bathroom after you.
Homer: Why you little . . . <throttles Bart>
Comic book guy: But aquaman, you can’t marry a woman without gills! You’re from two differant worlds! (notices nuclear missile about to hit him) Oh God, I’ve wasted my life. BOOM!!!
Maybe you could do something along the lines of an Abe Simpson rant:
“In my day we didn’t have birthdays because we were at war with the Germans. And our nickles had bees on them, give me five bees for a quater we’d say.”
Of course, if he or she is older than you, it might not work as well.
Or you could sing the song Bart wrote for Lisa:
[insert friend’s name] your teeth are big and green.
[insert friend’s name] you smell like gasoline…
I don’t know the episode or exact quote (PLDennison could help you there), but the scene starts with Homer getting a sweapstakes envelope for $1,000,000 in the mail.
Scripting approximate
Bank Employee: I’m sorry, Mr. Simpson, that check is non-negotiatable.
Homer: How do you know?
Bank Employee: Right here it says, ‘Non-negotiable,’ ‘Void-Void-Void,’ ‘Cash value one-tenth of a penny’…
Then there’s the episode where Bart and Milhouse find $20 bucks on a parent-teacher conference day. Bart says something like, “Cool, we can go on a shopping spree.” And Milhouse responds, “My mom (the doctor?) says I’m not allowed sprees…”
And now…
Bart Sells his Soul
Milhouse: Fine. If you’re so sure about that, why don’t you sell your soul to me?
Bart: How much you got?
Milhouse: Five bucks.
Bart: Deal. There you go–one soul.
Milhouse: Pleasure doing business with you.
Bart: Any time, chum…p.
Three Men and a Comic
Homer: Hey, when I was your age, fifty cents was a lot of money.
Bart: Really?
Homer: Naah.
Comicbook Dealer: Forty bucks? You made me get off my stool for that?
Martin: It’s all I got. I sold seeds. I visited my aunt in the nursing home. I fished a dime out of the sewer, for God’s sake! Ah, I got nothing.
Skinner: Yes. Now, to redirect our conversation slightly, I had a few ideas on how to spend this oil money.
Chalmers: Well, we could give each student a full college scholarship. [both burst out laughing]
Skinner: Oh, mercy. Seriously though…
Skinner: Before we draw up the budget, I believe the students and faculty have a few suggestions.
Willy: I want a crystal bucket for my slopwater and a brand new filthy blanket. [“Approved”]
Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff. [“Approved”]
Ralph: Chocolate microscopes. [“Approved”]
Otto: You know those guitars, that are like, double guitars, you know? [“Approved”]
Skinner: More rubber stamps. [“Approved”]