I pit my pathetic existence

The BBQ Pit
1

For the second time in my life I thought I found the woman of my dreams and let her slip away. I don’t know what is more pathetic - that this has happened only twice in 30 years of my existence, or that this time it happened only after 3 dates, or that it’s affected me to a point where I can’t even concentrate on my work. (Yes, that means in 30 years of my life I’ve only been in one relationship - and that barely lasted a year.) Perhaps the saddest part is that I only have myself to blame - I have no idea how to treat a woman, how to show romantic interest. One of the last things she said over e-mail was that she thought I wasn’t interested in her romantically, but only as friends. Of course saying “you’re wrong, I am interested” didn’t do any good - why should it? Why would she want to see me again if I’m going to act the same way? My first GF said more or less the same thing after we parted company for the last time. I don’t have the guts to take control of the situation and show someone that I care about her.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone as now, with not even a friend in town to turn to. But I guess I should get used to it again, it’ll most likely be the same deal for the rest of my pathetic existence. I would end it but I don’t even have the guts for that. (By the way, it’s not true that asphyxiation by pure nitrogen is painless. It causes an agonizing dizzyness and headache. And no, it wasn’t a real suicide attempt. I needed to convince myself that I have some will left to live. )

2

Why do you feel such a need for a woman that not having one is “a pathetic existance?” My suggestion: work on feeling comfortable with yourself, by yourself, and women will be attracted to it. Not that I am the greatest expert on this, but I think it is safe to say a woman doesn’t want to be with a guy that isn’t happy unless she is in his life.

Also, don’t put women on a pedestal and think they are the “one.” It sets you up for a definate disapointment, as women are people too, and expectations of those glorified ones tend to ALWAYS fall short.

3

I hit submit too soon. I wanted to respond to this as well. What in your life is so terrible? I have a suggestion you might not like, but would work wonders: Get a gym membership and go there 4-5 times a week. You will make friends if you make eye contact, nod, grunt, and smile. You may even meet women there. Exercise will help deal with the stress and release endorphins to make you happy. It will make you feel more confident and give you something to do.

Seriously, I am not kidding. You don’t have to lift weights, though those are always nice. Swim laps, play basketball or raquetball, or just ride the bikes to start off. After 2-3 months of going all the time, you will feel at home, and you will make some friends.

Hell man, if I lived nearby I would offer to go with ya, or at the last get a beer with you. It ain’t all that bad, trust me. The future always holds hope.

4

I just feel a need to not be alone.

And I only focused on one aspect in the OP but the rest doesn’t look good at all either. I just don’t fit into my home country because I’ve spent so much time out of it, but I’m scheduled to be sent back there in just over a year unless I manage to get a waiver. And it’s incrasingly becoming clear that I suck at being a researcher and I’m not likely to get a tenure job anywhere, but I’m over-qualified to get a decent non-academic job (what industry is going to hire a Ph.D. astronomer, let alone a foreigner?)

Yeah, I know, there are people in far worse predicaments and maybe some of them are reading this now. Go ahead and pit me for feeling so sorry for myself, I deserve it.

5

Why don’t you want to work in an Acedemia?

I imagine many fields that require lots of mathmatics would be a place to look? What makes you feel that you will not get a job doing research? (please, fill me in on what an astronomer researcher does, I am curious)

I am sure there will be somebody come in an pit you for feeling sorry for yourself, but not me. Hope the sun comes out for ya soon man. Tommorow is nothing but potential waiting for somebody to come along and release it. Heres hoping for ya.

6

I want to work in Academia. I’m just not good at it. I was told 10 years ago I wasn’t good enough for it. I managed to fool some others into thinking otherwise, but I can’t keep it up anymore. All I’ve done is fake being an astronomer by doing tons of laboratory work (instrument testing and calibration) - after all, grad students and postdocs who are good at lab work are valuable assets. But beyond that, a researcher who can only do lab work - now that’s worthless.

Thanks. But tonight I’m just going to pity myself and see if I can find anything in my life worth salvaging. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose, right? I think I need that kind of freedom… (I think that’s why I think about suicide so much - if I pretend I committed suicide, I’ve given away everything I have to lose and everything that happens - and everything I do - is something positive, something to be valued, and not a substitute for something that could have been better.)

7

Is not the Japanese space program heating back up? There are worse things you could put on your resume than Huntsville.

8

No, that’s just propaganda. The only part of Japanese space programs that’s getting more funding is the spy satellite project.

And it doesn’t matter because I HATE JAPAN!!! I turned down a dream job in Japan to come here. I’d rather move to Iraq than back to Japan.

9

Another possibility: Your self-accessment and judgment of your options are being impaired by chemical imbalances in your brain. Such imbalances would make you see yourself as hopeless and unfit. They would cause a kind of temporary “brain damage” that would not to obvious to you, but would be easy for a professional to spot.

Stop blaming yourself for something that is probably not your fault at all and talk with someone who can help you sort through your options. Suicide is not an option. If you feel the impulse, you must take yourself automatically to a safe place such as a hospital emergency room. Just go there.

Making your world right-side-up may even be a matter of the right medications over a period of a few weeks. I know because I’ve been in your shoes.

No one comes as far as you have who does have courage and strength and self-reliance. It is only temporarily out of reach for you at the moment. Please see a professional.

(I am not a physician.)

10

Thanks for your concern Zoe, but I’m pretty sure I’m not clinically depressed. It’s been a couple of years since I last went to a psychiatrist, but things haven’t changed very much since then. (I was told I was in a mildly depressive state due to circumstances, but not clinically depressed.)

And yes, I know suicide is not a meaningful option - I thought I made that clear. I do find that thinking about it puts things in perspective (i.e. that I remain in this world as a a conscious decision, because it’s better than the alternative). I’d never do it.

11

I’d say that the suicidal ideation and even action might change this diagnosis and perhaps how a psyciatrist would respond to that. Again, I’m definitely not a doctor, but there are medications which can help you deal with depression as well as therapy which can improve your relationship skills with others and hopefully reduce your depression as well. Getting a gym membership and using it is another excellent suggestion.

Given that you already seem to work for NASA, hearing you say that you’re completely worthless as a researcher just doesn’t seem reasonable to me. I think that you’re severly underestimating your own potential. I think that your first step should be to seek professional help from a psychiatrist. That has the potential to lead to really large improvements in other areas of your life as well.

Good luck; we’re all pulling for you. Post more or we’ve all got a bunch of e-mail’s in profiles.

12

Here’s my advice:

  1. Spend less time on the internet. You’ll have more time to concentrate on your work and social life. If you find yourself on the net more than 30 minutes a day, it’s time to cut way down.

  2. Join the gym, as others have said, and go regularly. The most important thing that will come from this is energy and vigor. (The first few days of working out will make you tired…after that you’ll get much more energy)

  3. Start hanging out with groups of people. Send out an email to get together a group to go rock-climbing. Or bowling. Or horseback-riding.

  4. Pretend that you’re married, and aren’t interested in a relationship with a woman. This is hard to do, but it works. Treat women like your male friends. Don’t be afraid to tease or joke with them, because you’re not looking for a relationship. When you talk to a woman, think: “What would I say if she were my brother?”

  5. Go out to lunch every day with different co-workers. Your office mate, the frumpy old married woman down the hall, the hot new redheaded receptionist, whoever. It doesn’t matter, since you’re not looking for a relationship. You just want someone to talk to at lunch, just like everyone else.

  6. Accept every invitation you receive, whether it’s for lunch, a party, or whatever. SOCIALIZE! If you’re uncomfortable, just pretend it’s the SDMB!

  7. Improve yourself. Eliminate negative words from your vocabulary (instead of “I HATE JAPAN!”, think of ANY positive experience you had there, and build on that). Think of something about yourself you’d like to improve. Take some classes at school. Take a dance class. Learn to juggle. If you’re bad at math, take a math class. Practice.

  8. Don’t dwell on your problems. Busy yourself with things and people from the real world.

  9. Remember, finding a good woman is a NUMBERS game. Most women you meet will not be compatible with you, for one reason or another. Either she’s married, seeing someone, doesn’t like you, you don’t like her, or is already dating Enrique Iglesias. So, increase the number of women you meet dramatically, just to improve the odds. But remember: treat them as if they were male friends!

Eventually, you’ll find yourself looking across the table at one of your female friends, and you’ll notice a twinkle in her eye that wasn’t there before. Then, tell her you like her and ask her on a date.

It may seem weird to just start asking coworkers to hang with you, but believe me, it helps.

Finally, if you don’t like your job, get a different one. Retrain yourself if necessary. I recently quit my job to start a business, because it was slowly killing me. Do whatever it takes to find yourself a job that you love.

13

Loads more hot chicks in Japan…

14

scr4–First off, don’t worry about professors and such telling you you’re not good enough to be in academia. I’ve found that those judgements aren’t exactly unbiased. It’s the very rare advisor who wants a student who could and/or would show them up in seminars, or outdo them in publications, or even whose research interests and/or aptitudes don’t fit exactly into the very precisely-defined openings in their labs. Also, it’s very easy for a professor–especially a prospective advisor you want to work with–to say, “you don’t fit in my lab/in this department” or “I don’t have an opening for you,” and have you hear, “You’re not good enough.”

Graduate school is a pretty ego-grinding experience. I think all of us, in any department, no matter how smart, talented, or hard-working we are, find ourselves thinking that we really suck at what we do. Heaven only knows I have. Some of us feel like that more than others, but there’s no-one who hasn’t had a moment of serious self-doubt. Don’t let the bastards–even the well-meaning ones–grind you down.

If you feel like you’re being told that you’re not good enough to be in academia, then maybe an academic career doesn’t suit you well. That’s not to say that you’re not good enough for an academic career–it’s just that you might be happier elsewhere. I know it’s hard not to take a pretty big hit to the self-esteem when you hear people telling you over and over again that you’re somehow substandard, but, really, the problem isn’t you; it’s them.

I’d bet there are lots of jobs you could have, with your PhD in astronomy. Or even without your PhD. You say you tend towards lab work. Well, what kind of lab work? Are you a whiz with optics? Lots of industries need smart, resourceful, creative people to design optics things for them and people really gifted in lab work to get those optics to do what they’re supposed to. Are you better with all the computer simulation/data analysis stuff? Believe me, that’ll get people interested in hiring you, too. IIRC, you love bikes, especially recumbent bikes. Could you work in designing and building custom bikes? I bet there are lots of skills you have that you don’t even realize you’ve got. Looking into those options might make you feel better, even if you don’t really move much towards any of them. I know that I often feel at my lowest about my life when I feel trapped, like I’m stuck with what I’m stuck with and have no other options. As you discuss the choices you have, and learn to make new opportunities for yourself, you’ll start to feel energetic and excited. You don’t have to stay in an environment that isn’t good for you, with people who don’t value what you have to offer.

Second–about the lack of female companionship thing. I’ve found that I can’t attract men when I’m unhappy. I just can’t. Mainly because, oddly enough, I’m unhappy, and no-one gravitates towards unhappiness. Maybe it would be best to put aside conscious efforts to meet women and concentrate on other things that make you happy. When you feel like your life in general is better, then you’ll probably find that women come to you.

As far as hating Japan–you could probably work anywhere in the world. Just start looking. Your campus career services might be able to help you with that. And, if they can’t, you might have a state employment bureau that can. I’d make a bet that, with your technical skills and abilities, you wouldn’t have to go to any country you didn’t want to.

15

No, I had a mild case those back then as well. And they did prescribe antidepressants and I took it for a couple of months without any noticeable effect. The only effect was that I started to blame everything on my “depression” and stopped even the most feeble attempts at getting my life together - because all I needed to do was wait for the medication to kick in, right?

Hmm, therapy for relationship skills? Is that something a psychiatrist can/would direct me towards?

I already have access to the gym at my apartment complex, maybe I’ll start there. The apartment is in a high-tech industry area and there seem to be quite a few young professionals.

I don’t work for NASA. I have a research grant from the government to work at a NASA center, but the position has a definite time limit and there isn’t much chance for extension. And at the rate I’ve been publishing papers (zero in the past year), there’s very little chance I’ll get a position like this again.

16

RE: Dating

Desperation is the worst cologne.

17

Yeah, maybe that’s my most important lesson from this, painful as it is to accept.

18

:rolleyes:

Bullshit. That’s a myth crapped out by drug-peddling psychiatrists. No “chemical imbalance” theory of depression has been proven.

19

scr4, if I were diagnosing you, I would say you have a self-esteem deficiency, probably caused by focusing on the negatives in your life.

If I remember right, you met the last lady through online dating. Well, get back on that horse, and meet some more women. Don’t think of it as trying to find your perfect mate, though - look at it as dating practice. Dating is a skill like any other - the more you practice, the better you get.

Here’s my challenge for you - to counter the negative focus you’ve got going on, find five things in your life to be grateful for each day. It can be absolutely anything - grateful for a warm bed to sleep in, grateful for food in your fridge, grateful for having eyes that work. You get the idea.

20

If you like her, then go tell her. SHow up with some flowers and just tell her that you want to keep dating. You don’t have to do anything more then. Just say hi again.