No, she eventually made it clear that it’s definitely, completely over.
I’m trying to think how to say this gently, because it’s meant to be gentle, not critical. It sounds like you’re already entirely too critical of yourself.
Losing a SO can be a terrific blow, especially when you were already a bit fragile, but she was just one person. A dear, valued person but just one out of [Carl Sagan] billions and billions [/Carl Sagan] of potential friends/lovers. She gave you a clue of an adapation you need to consider, i.e. how you show people you care, but even that was a valuable gift, y’know? Quoting a scifi writer, tests are gifts and big tests are big gifts.
Believing in yourself can be a complete bitch at the best of times, much less the worst. But if you devalue everything postive about yourself, you also throw up huge obstacles for other people to perceive anything different. In fact, they probably don’t perceive you nearly as negatively as you see you yourself, but you need to meet them at least half way.
Always having to give reassurances can become wearing. You have a spectacular education, you had the grit and guts to move to a foreign country…those are huge things that most people never even attempt, scr4. Stop beating yourself up for not sailing blithely over every obstacle. You’ve already walked far and high. Take some time to appreciate exactly how great that is, then go on from there.
Best of luck to you.
Veb
Astronomy grad school in particular. I’ve been there, done that, got the consolation prize (a master’s degree)
I’m a computer simulations person, not a lab person, but I certainly managed to find a job when I left astronomy grad school with my master’s degree. You get a skewed view of what you could use your skills for while you’re in grad school in astronomy- there is demand for those skills outside of astronomy, and even outside academia.
Check your e-mail, scr4.
Up-front caveat: I suck at trying to buck people up.
Having said that, I’m amazed that you seem so depressed.
I dunno how many people here have met you. I have. To me, you’re one of the coolest people I know (albeit casually).
I cannot conceive of the guts it takes to move, not just away from your home, but your whole freakin’ country. To places that bear no resemblance whatsoever to the culture in which you were raised. If memory serves, you spent time in the UK before coming to the US. Is that right? You’ve got world experiences that I can only dream about.
You work in a highly technical field – again, a concept I find intimidating to the nth degree. You may think “Oh, I only calibrate the instruments,” but stop and think about that. The number of people in this state – heck, in this country – who can casually say that about their jobs is damn small. Shoot, man, my job consists of marketing office furniture. Try impressing the babes with THAT line next time you’re at the bar.
But the thing that really sets you apart, for me, was the way you treated my stepson. You acknowledged his opinions, you spent time with him, you listened to him. It’s the rare adult who can do that for more than five minutes with a child not their own. You validated him and gave him a sense of worth while you were visiting. He still talks about your visit occasionally. He remembers the way you listened to him talking about the Titanic.
You, my friend, are a good, courageous, enviable person. Life may be crapping on you at the moment, but I will never believe you don’t have the resiliency and the ability to overcome that.
Do you like animals? Do you have the time and energy to take care of one? If so, get a dog. Next, get Karen Pryor’s book “Don’t shoot the dog” and use it to train your dog. In the process of using the positive reinforcement you will learn empathy and non-verbal skills for interaction.
Now that you have a well trained dog you will be out in public frequently. This is where you will meet women. When you do you will automatically have a topic of conversation (your dog) and you will get a chance to practice small talk. When you meet a woman who shows interest use the lessons you learned from the book to “train” her too. (before anyone jumps on me, this isn’t sexist, women can use it on men too.) These are basic rules for interaction that translate very well for human to human contact as well as human to animal contact. I once worked for a manager (a very successful one) who used this book as a managerial handbook!
Even if it doesn’t work, you’ll have a dog that loves you and you won’t be alone.
OK, but then show up like I said, tell her you do still care and just wasn’t able to communicate that, that you want her to know you’ll always be her friend and if she ever changes her mind…
Then go about life like you always do. It’s going to be terrifying and you may be hardly able to get the words out. Practice. It won’t help, but at least you’ll think it will help.
Please don’t make me describe how clearly she communicated her disinterest in me. And stop telling me not to give up hope - I need to get over this, not drag it out. I had my shot, I screwed it up (or we just weren’t right for each other). Time to move on.
Oh, and thanks to all for the support. Now I feel guilty for being such an attention whore. :o
What were we saying about the self-esteem thing? 
[QUOTE=Foible]
Do you like animals? Do you have the time and energy to take care of one? If so, get a dog. QUOTE]
Unfortunately, if scr4 is correct about the odds of him ending up back in Japan, a pet might prove very problematic. Putting aside costs, quarantines and the like, I am under the impression that Japan is a difficult place to keep real live flesh ‘n’ blood pets. That’s why Tamagotchis, Aibo dogs and the like were developed (and became big hits) there.
(I also read a horriffic article once about some Japanese putting unwanted live pets out in the trash for pickup and disposal. I hope I am remembering this incorrectly, but it does not suggest a pet-friendly environment.)
Actually I’m not planning to get shipped back to Japan - I was serious when I said I’d rather move to Iraq. (Though of course I’ll look for better alternatives first, like Canada or Europe.)
If anything, the living situation right now is more of a problem - my 1-bedroom apartmen isn’t exactly spacious. But I guess I can find the time to take a dog for a walk every day. I’ll have to think about it but it seems like a good idea… Would an adult dog from a shelter be slightly less demanding on my time?
Much less demanding on your time, IF it didn’t have any bad habbits.
Also consider a rescue greyhound–they’re adult dogs that come trained and can do well in apartments. And they’re cool.
Cruelest, yet truest words my father told me were “there’s always another bus”.
Hang in there, it’ll be worth the wait, good things happen when you least expect them.
If you don’t have the time or the space, adopting a dog wouldn’t be the best option, for you or the dog. But as far as pet therapy goes…
Many shelters are always in need of volunteers. Our local rescue shelter begs for volunteers to help feed the critters, wash them, spend some time with them, etc. They’re so vulnerable and appreciative; they’re a great way to bring yourself right out of yourself. They may need dog walkers as well, though you’d need to check on that. 1. It’d be great exercise, 2. fresh air-and-happy-critter therapy and 3. yeah, us wimmin types are pure suckers for guys with dogs. A guy who walks shelter rescues? ::melts:: Please. Be prepared to be mobbed.
If you’d just like some companionship, a cat might be a better option for you. They can stand small quarters and stretches of time alone better than dogs, but can still be a lot of fun and comfort to have around. Some can be leash-trained and would work just as well as chick bait as well, btw.
And by all means pick folks’ brains around here as well; Annie Neville seemed to have excellent insight into things that might help on the job front as well. You’re at risk of becoming too American, scr4. You are not your job. It’s just a job, not a definition or judgment of you. And it’s onliy one of many. If it doesn’t suit you well, there’s one that will.
Veb
You must have tons of math and physics under your belt. Wouldn’t it be possible to step over into the computer field? Operations research? Systems analysis? Those are, for the most part, not specifically mathematical fields. You won’t be asked to solve fourth-degree differential equations. But ability at math is a strong indicator of potential success in those fields. What’s more, I’d say a huge number of people in those fields are immigrants; if they can get the work permits, so should you be able to.
Maybe you could be an actuary. It pays very well from what I understand, which indicates that they’re in short supply. And while working for an insurance company may sound dull, actuaries always rank very high in job satisfaction surveys.
The point is, you don’t have to have a successful research career to use the skills you’ve acquired.
Then cry. It makes people feel better afterward. And sit down and admit you got somewhere for something and you probably have something to offer. And the next time you meet someone you like, let them know.
It’ll be awful, but at least you’ll have done it. No, it doesn’t get any easier.
If you get a cat, you can stroll it around the neighbourhood in one of thesecat prams. I’m pretty sure you would meet a lot of people doing that. 
(I’m actually thinking of getting one of those. It’s a great way to put the “crazy” in crazy cat lady.)
Done and done already.
Honestly it’s not the loss of this particular woman that depresses me, it’s what it says (and she said) about me. My lack of dates in the past few years I can ascribe to my lack fo trying. And my SO before that telling me I just can’t take control and show her I love her, I could blame it on our not being compatible. But another woman telling me the same thing - now that’s a damning judgement about my character and abilities.
Though I am grateful to her for showing me that. And on the whole I feel better for knowing that there’s more than one woman in the world who doesn’t find me physically repulsive, and can bear to spend more than an hour with me. (My self-esteem had been so low that I seriously wondered about that.)
Wait a second, after three dates she said she didn’t think you liked her? I’m starting to lean towards this is her problem, not yours. If you said specifically that you were indeed interested in her, what more does she want from you? You kept asking her out, and showing up and taking her out. I think you might be shouldering too much of the blame, here.
When I was getting to know my husband (who I met at loveataol.com), he was terrible at talking on the phone (he still is - he’s just not a phone person), but he kept calling me, so I just told myself if he wasn’t interested, he would stop calling. I’m not sure what your ladyfriend was looking for - declarations of undying love after three dates? Maybe she’s the one that needs to get real.