I think you really need to move. I know Huntsville has some tech stuff but it’s still a small Southern town at its core. You’d have a awful lot more opportunities if you could relocate to a larger city.
To not talk to her as if she were just a buddy, I suppose. Make a move, make a pass - whatever that means, it’s still an alien concept to me. Show her that she means more to me than just a friend, show her I’m interested in her physically.
At least that’s what I’ve gathered.
I wish I could. My visa is valid only as long as I stick with this job.
Man, that’s tough. Ok, I’ll be annoying and tell you what I’d do in your position. Can’t help you much with the dating aspect as I’m 37 and have never had a relationship last longer than three months. But I’m not unhappy about it because I’m fairly fufilled in other aspets of my life.
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Research ways to stay in this country (and relocate from Huntsville). Explore all your options and possible career changes. Since you hate your home country (is it Japan, if it is, wow, your English is amazingly fluent, I’m learning Japanese and, man, I really suck at it), consider options that may mean leaving the US but staying out of Japan. Maybe Australia or Europe? Anyway, don’t pin all your hopes on one option, keep multiple things going so you have back-up plans. And start this right away, don’t wait until you’re on the brink of being deported.
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If you were in Austin, I’d try to talk you into rowing and send you lots of links for local sports teams (like rugby, soccer, ultimate frisbee). Exercise is so much easier when you do it in a group and it’s a good way to meet people. And plenty of the leagues welcome beginners, you just have to do a little research. I’d explore those options in Huntsville.
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Volunteer to do something like tutor literacy or be a Big Brother or work at the local food back. Volunteering can give you a littel boost that’ll make you feel good about yourself.
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Take a continuing ed class like cooking. Or somehting fun at your local community college like, I dunno, Spanish.
Anyway, the point is to be busy and fill your life with other things so you don’t spend every evening at home thinking “wow, this sucks, if only someone was here to share it with me.” Plus, by getting out and doing things, you meet more people and work on developing social skills which you can use later. I’m so much better at the social stuff now (you should have seen me at 25) but it took years of working at it…
scr4, I feel your pain. I’ve had but a brace of actual relationships, and both times when they’ve ended it has sent me spiraling down into a deep depression (not that my normal disposion is Pollyanna-ish sunny and light). I’ve also got career issues, though I’m thankfully not in the position of being sent abroad as a result of them.
A few random thoughts come to mind, in no particular order:
[ul]
[li]I’d second the suggestions to get out and go to the gym or get invovled in some physical activity. Even if it doesn’t net you any social contacts, just exercizing will stimulate all the fun chemicals in your brain.[/li][li]It’s easy to idolize a potential “other” and even easier to attach some self-worth into being wanted by that person. It is important, however, to value yourself first. The rest (so I’m told) follows, which I’ve had some limited success at. Desperation is worse than BO at repelling interest.[/li][li]As tremorviolet suggests, if your job isn’t terribly satisfying, you need to find some interests outside your career to make earning the paycheck worthwhile; and (needless to say) something beyond posting on online forums. :eek:[/li][li]The other job related issues–especially the deportation problem–are a tough haul, and I don’t have any easy solutions for you; but as an astronomer, you definitely have some useful technical skills that can be applied to other fields. Which fields? Well, start trying to figure out what you like to do and then see if you can’t use those skills, somehow, in that field. It may not be astronomy, or even science, but somewhere there’s a good (if not perfect) fit for your skills, experience, and aptitudes. Most of the (few) physics grad students I knew ended up working either in some kind or programming job or predictive mathematical analysis of financial markets, though one went into CGI animation (for a house that went bust, but still…sounds like fun work while it lasted.)[/li][li]Try getting a massage. No, not one of those kind of massages :rolleyes:, just a “theraputic” massage. We hairless apes are social animals that respond unconsciously to touch; being in physical contact with another person, even in “professional” situation, is highly stimulating to the psyche.[/li][li]Hi, Op…oh, never mind.[/li][/ul]
I don’t have any quick solutions for you, and I’m sure you know, despite the platitudes you’ve heard, that none are to be found, but things can be better, and unless you are some kind of horribly scarred and disfigured mutant from another planet, there is some woman out there who thinks you are the cat’s canned tuna and vice versa. Finding her, however, is a challenge I have not quite yet figured out, but that’s part of the journey, I guess. :dubious:
Anyway, good luck to you, and hang in there.
Stranger
Question: is there some kind of “knack” for getting into these things? I’ve tried a number of times to get involved in some kind of team sport/con-ed class/volunteer activity and it just never seems to work out; I end up being kind of left out or feeling uninvited, not part of the group, despite what persistence I am able to muster.
I have to admit, although I’m reasonably athletic (I run 5+ miles 4-5^H^H^H 3-4^H^H^H 2 times a week and have in the past participated in martial arts and the like) I’m not really very good at team sports like basketball. No, I’m sorry; I suck, suck, suck at team sports, especially basketball, and that seems to earn the ire of team members, even in casual sports. In classes or volunteer activities, I tend to be hyperfocused on learning the material or doing the task and just don’t get or make social connections. Back in Milwaukee I crewed quite a bit in regattas and volunteer instructed for the Milwaukee Community Sailing Center (great place to learn to sail, BTW, if you live in the area) but never really made any friends ('cept for the now ex-Irish Girl) or felt really welcome. I also ran not infrequently with the Hash House Harriers but just never got comfortable with anyone. I tried Toastmasters a few times, too, but just found people to be, well, really superficial. Then again, I think I’d have a ripping time talking to HAL, so maybe I should just stick with machines. :dubious:
Clearly, this is all me and my problem, but I just have a hard time getting any social benefit out of these things, and it’s been far, far worse since I moved to California (or perhaps I’m just more aware of it.) I’m not an inveterate joiner, anyway, but when I show up repeatedly and have to keep introducing myself or force my way into conversations, it just makes me want to go back to my solo sea kayaking, trail running, and book reading (with a snifter of Jameson to the side, of course.) Any suggestions for making the whole “meet and greet” process less repugnant?
Stranger
Tell that to the millions of clinically depressed people whose suffering has been alleviated by antidepressant drugs – including me.
I don’t know where you’re getting your information, but the chemical processes in the brain that influence mood are fairly well understood. I did a research paper on the subject for school last year, using medical journals.
I think it kinda depends on the team and persistence. My rowing club right now is very social and frequently does stuff together like Happy Hours and parties. But it kinda took the right combination of people. A teammate of mine moved to San Francisco and she’s disappointed that the team she joined isn’t social, they just show up to row and that’s it. I think having the practices in the evening also helps; it makes it easy to go out for a drink afterwards. Plus, my team travels to away races and spending time together traveling definitely fosters friendships. I was just thinking about this rececntly since a friend posted photos of our trip to Louisiana to row a marathon. (some of these photos aren’t all that flattering of me, just ignore those, OK?
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Also, I constantly have to remind myself to take advantage of these opportunities. I like to spend time alone but if I do that too often, I stop being part of the gang. Hanging out even when I’m not totally in the mood, establishes the friendship more solidly. (I know this sounds so obvious, but it’s something I had to learn on my own) So when somebody asks me to do something, I really try to make it.
The volunteering stuff I do is tutor ESL. I haven’t met anyone other than my students but it’s been a really interesting learning experience and, like I said, makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. And I take Japanese classes. Haven’t made any firm friends but I’ve met people. (BTW, one of the girls in my class is a lurker here along with her mom. Hi, Angela-san, I’ve forgotten your Doper name…)
Anyway, I don’t know if any of that helps. When I first joined the rowing club, no one hung out. But I just kept rowing because I liked the activity and the exercise and eventually a “group” sorta formed.
Oh, and here’s another late life lesson I’ve learned that probably everyone else in the world knew at birth: I can have superficial friends. I used to think that my friends would have to be much like me and we’d have to connect on every level. :rolleyes: Yes, that was dumb. Conversation got a lot easier for me when I realized that 90% of it is stupid, cliched phrases. That I can converse on a totally superficial level and still have a good time. That I can be hang out with Don who’s so rabidly Republican he bought a Jag because the Brits stood by us in Iraq (as long as we don’t talk politics).
Anyway, I’m sure everyone is totally like “shut up already”…
Actually, there are some rather good ones in there, I think. 
Oh, sorry, not a flirt thread. Never mind. :o
That’s a useful point, I think. I tend to only try at these things when I really feel like conversing with people, which frankly isn’t all that often. If I don’t feel like it, or think I might not, I won’t commit to it. If I’ve already promised to be there, I’ll go of course, but try to find a nice dark corner to hide in and nurse my beverage, or some activity to focus on in exclusion of all else. Or (if the venue invites it) I’ll monologue on some topic, and you know how people really love to be lectured.
That’s a tough one for me, too. I just feel really uncomfortable talking about the weather, or sports (which I know virtually nothing about) or…well, whatever random topic comes up. I feel compelled to correct misapprehensions, or otherwise remain completely quiet rather than to encourage their ignorance or display my own. (Seriously, last night at an AFI showing at the Arclight of the Bond film Dr. No, when the guy in front of me answered his girlfriend’s question about the following sequel as Goldfinger, I had to use every moral fiber in my psyche to restain myself from saying, “No, it’s From Russia With Love!” :rolleyes: What kind of geek knows that? :eek: )
Yeah, like, totally. 
Stranger
I don’t know - at three dates, it still sounds like she was jumping the gun, to me. My husband and I didn’t kiss until our, what, fourth date? Something like that. But there was no doubt in my mind at all that he was interested. And most ladies in our ahem thirties know that sometimes you have to take the guy by the hand and make it really, really, really clear to him that you’re interested in him. And once you made it clear you were interested, she still shut you down. This just doesn’t add up to me.
By the way, Canada is actively searching for technical people, if you want to move up here. There’s an observatory just outside of Calgary. You can move here and join our slo-pitch team.
Well, I guess she did make it clear she was interested - at first. She pretty much kissed me at the end of the second date. I just didn’t know how to reciprocate properly, and/or I was too insecure to believe and accept it. She gave me a fair chance. And while I’m very disappointed in myself for this, I also feel better for knowing there are women who would give me that chance. (Unless she was the last one - no, I don’t believe that.)
I’m definitely interested in Canada, and am starting to reserach job options there.
Hi scr4. You don’t know me or nothing, but I’m your neighbor in Mississippi. If you need to talk (about anything, Southern culture, whatever), you’re invited to email me. I know you don’t know me from Adam, but I’m a Doper and you’re a Doper and hey, that’s all you need.
Try something physical, as different from your job as possible. Volunteer at Habitat for Humanity, go biking, join a gym. It’s gonna be in the 80s here in MS tomorrow, so I’m sure it’ll be warm enough to go swimming soon in Alabama. I think doing something physical would do wonders for your self-confidence. You’ll meet people, maybe learn a skill, and it’ll give you something else to think about aside from your job and relationship woes.
How about a small dog? Coming home to a dog is always good – they’re always so happy to see you. Take the dog out for walks, meet some people. I know you must feel so lost and alone, so far from home and family, in such a strange place, with no close friends. But life is only as fulfilling as you make it. Once again, if you need to talk my email’s in my profile. Best of luck.