Dude, you did not read the good news in my advice. Admittedly it is hidden in the middle, but this woman, your wife, will probably still need you at a different location to get away from her son. She will need booty calls and laundry and cooking services. You do those, right? You will have all your paycheck for yourself and your bach pad, and she will have her paycheck and that of her son (yeah right) to support them.
And you will be a free man. Free to see a woman for “dates” where she is not welcome to bring her potted plant. Just remember to never remarry her while he is still alive.
Now the bad news is that if you don’t separate and divorce, she and/or junior are going to start eyeing you life insurance and other assets, and then your life expectancy decreases dramatically.
Whether he is a lawyer or not, I have no idea. I assume he is a lawyer who either is burnt out or is a bit off his nut. One thing of which I am certain is that he is truly clueless when it comes to family law.
Yes, I am truly clueless when it comes to family law. He may indeed have to pay alimony or spousal support, depending on his jurisdiction. Then again, he may not. That’s why he should see a lawyer.
There is some of that I’m sure. I was never the father figure, even though I’ve been the support for 20 years. The natural dad has always been around, in a different city a lot of the time but aways there by phone at least. There was never a struggle over who got to be the real dad, I don’t want to take that from them, more of a struggle over who gets to deal with the day to day issues of raising a kid. The real dad had the same issues that a lot of people have who have never lived with a teenager. I was mean to his poor baby, why couldn’t his poor baby have a new car? (It wasn’t really that bad). Kids don’t always understand why they can or can’t do this or that and an adult telling them they are right all the time doesn’t help. In a divorce situation the parents can get in a stuation where they both compete to be nice to the kid - the kid gets a skued idea of how things are supposed to work Then the step-parent has to take on the role of the complete jerk who has to force the kid do the things that he needs to do, with the natural parents resisting alongside the kid. That’s where I live.
My step-son left for his dad’s yesterday. My anger did it’s work I guess. My wife spoke her first words to me in 10 days and it looks like she is ready to make up. But … That is all well and good if I wanted to go back to where we were until the step-son shows up again. I am resolved to fix the problem once and for all. We have a counselor appointment this week and I’ll lay it out there. I still think the step-son can be fixed, if he gets a strong hand from BOTH of us.
The scenario The Second Stone lays out sounds good though. I will keep that in mind. I doubt it will work out as well as the theory but I like sound of the booty call/laundry serve combo.
So, I’m back from the cruise, which went about exactly as you could have imagined. My dad and mom and I had a big heart to heart about Evil Half Brother about halfway through that I found interesting with regards to this thread. I’d tell you all about it, except that it would drag on and nobody would read it - allow me just to tell you the most interesting facet: my dad was shocked and alarmed that I told him not to be concerned, because I’ve put some thought into my personal safety. It never occurred to him that I might be a tiny bit concerned that there are two beneficiaries of a very considerable will - me, and a guy who has committed numerous felonies and never been prosecuted because our father will not press charges. Dad finally has come to terms with the idea that my brother is worthless slime, and probably a sociopath, but it completely blindsided him that people like me have been telling their boyfriends and guy friends and anybody else in the correct position to shoot first and ask questions later, because somebody who will commit half a million dollars worth of identity theft cannot be depended on not to break into your house and shoot you.
In other words, your wife may know, deep down, that her son is a worthless piece of shit. She may acknowledge it, come to terms with it, accept it. But she’ll never really, really know it and it is up to you to protect your younger son. This is almost certainly an overly dramatic example - I sincerely doubt my vile relation has the get up and go to get around to murdering anybody… but I’ve thought about it, and I’d be a damned fool not to. Your wife will never see her son clearly, even if she thinks she does, even if she does come to terms with what he’s really like, and you need to realize that if only for the emotional health of your younger son.
Divorce? Way too early to even think of it let alone threaten it.
Separation? Definitely, if the stepson comes back to her open arms. I’m glad that you guys are seeing a counselor and hopefully she sticks with it…her attitude towards her son is a bad habit that will take possibly years to unwind and change for the better. But you, shiftlessdo love her, just not her bad habit. So, divorce is not the answer. But if she backslides into supporting the stepson, then tell her you can’t live in a house like this, and that you will seek somewhere else to live until her counseling and ability to stand up for herself finally sees the light.
BUT IF YOU DO HAVE TO SEPARATE, DO NOT SHRUG OFF YOUR DUTIES AS A FATHER TO YOUR YOUNGER SON. Maybe take turns raising your son under your roof a week at a time. That’s only fair and the best arrangement possible considering the circumstances. That may be enough of a deterrent to get the wife to make the necessary changes for the better.
After all of this, still tell her that you love her…she needs to hear this regularly, and often. Root for her to set goals and achieve them.
I didn’t read all the posts but thought I’d weigh in.
IMO you need to think about getting out while the getting is good. It has dragged on too long and is not going to be easily eradicated. OP, at best your ex will likely make some promises and then backslide. She’s too into her son and not into you enough…otherwise she wouldn’t have put you second all these years. At worst, she may decide counseling is bullshit blah blah blah and not buy into it. Several cans of worms may be opened and you need to be prepared to cover your ass.
I don’t mean this to come off as lambasting you, OP, but the marriage has to come first, even before the children, and whether they’re “yours” biologically or not. People in these situations need to marry the family, talk out the possible scenarios before the fact, and so on. It sounds like you didn’t heed the little voice.
I wish you the best; don’t settle for a false positive, though.
This. My husband has a cousin whose local sheriff describes as “one of the biggest junkies in the county.” Since we’re talking about one of the most pill-riddled counties in the epicenter of the Oxycontin belt, I have to think this puts her quite high in the rankings worldwide. I really think she’s far too lazy and cowardly to try anything with anybody tougher than their 80-year-old widowed grandmother, but you bet your bippy we considered the possibility when we moved within a few counties of her and took appropriate precautions. As you say, we’d be damned fools not to.
Same thing with the security system and restraining orders the family has gotten for Mamaw–we’d be damned fools not to, especially since she is seen as the biggest and easiest target in the family. She won’t take any measures to protect herself, because she’ll never really accept that this cousin is…how can I put this delicately?..a vile pile of shit. So it’s up to the rest of us to do it for her.
