I want my old smells back, damnit!
It’s like everything smells vaguely of Febreze, about the most worthless product I’ve used.
I went to the store the other day to get refills for my Swifer wet mop. It used to smell like citris. I like citrus. Citrus I can handle. It’s a simple smell. Lemon, basically. Now all I can get is “mountain fresh” or some shit. What the fuck is “mountain fresh” anyway? Ever smell a fresh mountain?
What’s with these other scents these days? Everything is mountain fresh, spring fresh, sea breeze, floral-fruit-spring-mountain-herbal-sea-fuck-me-hard-in-the-ass-breeze.
You know what I want my kitchen sick & bathroom to smell like? Comet. Now that’s a nice clean smell. Hell, I’d wear Comet colonge if they made it.
Know what I want my kitchen floor to smell like? Pine-Sol. That shit smells toxic. It says, "I just cleaned the shit out of my kitchen floor and now the whole neighborhood knows it, and everyone entering my house for the next few days is gonna know it. Do I want my kitchen floor to smell “mountain fresh?” Hells no! Whatcha wanna do, cuddle up on my kitchen floor? Lick it? No! My floor is clean. It’s also toxic, 'cause I just cleaned the shit out of it with Pine-Sol.
Know what I want my laundry to smell like? Tide. I don’t want my clothes to smell floral, or spring fresh, or desert breeze. I wanna smell like fucking Tide. That says, “this dude washed his clothes.” Fuck you Tide, for making anything that smells spring fresh.
What is spring fresh? I grew up in the midwest where we spend six months buried in freezing snow. Spring means all those dead plants from last year are rotting. It’s a great smell. But not what I want my house smelling like.
What is sea-breeze? I live by the ocean. Rotting kelp. dead fish, salt & flies buzzing everywhere? That’s what you want me to smell like?
What is sport? You go to the store & try to get a man’s soap that doesn’t smell all womanly and you get sport. You know what I smell like after I"ve done sports? You don’t want to smell like that. Of course sport soap doesn’t smell like that. I don’t know what the hell it smells like, but it ain’t sport or anything I want to smell like. What, I’m supposed to smell like a volleyball?
I want everything to smell like Citrus, Comet, Pine-Sol, or Tide. When I get out of the shower, I just don’t want to smell like funk anymore. OK? Who’s with me?