So, you’re saying you’re too good to have a piece of two-day old reheated pizza like I had?
I’ve got half a Coke here next to me.
Be thankful you have half a Coke. Some people can’t afford even half a coke!
My kid sat on my glasses this weekend.
What? You yell at your kids to be responsible with their possessions and then think it’s okay to just leave your glasses lying around?
Just signed up to see a Rodeo at the Calgary Stampede!
Don’t make me laugh! Everyone knows that the only rodeos and cowboys are in the UNITED STATES of AMERICA. Any place else just has pale imitations of the real thing.
I just had a glass of Champagne from Napa valley. It’s very good.
Good champagne from California? Don’t make me laugh. Everyone knows that the only good champagne comes from France. That’s where champagne got its name, after all.
There’s a chance of rain this afternoon and evening. We could use the moisture.
Don’t you dare use the word “moisture!” It’s a horrible sounding word!
I have to go to a boring meeting now.
Oh, poor you. Did it ever occur to you that maybe the meetings are boring because of your presence? Some people would just love to sit in meetings! You don’t know how lucky you are.
I think Lyft overcharged my husband.
You’ve got to let him fight his own battles if he’s ever going to learn to be able to stand up for himself. Stop totally emasculating the poor schlub, for chrissakes.
I just had a mint candy.
Cretin! You know those “blood” mint candies are made by kids in third world countries forced to work in factories, rather than go to school!
I cut my neighbor’s lawn as he has had some health issues.
You deny your health issued neighbor the benefits of fresh air, sunshine, and exercise, and the feeling of accomplishing something? You fiend.
The bus I took home had wonderful air conditioning.
You wouldn’t need air conditioning if it weren’t for your gigantic, wasteful bus spewing out toxins and carbon, irrevocably changing the environment.
I just yawned.
Well, that’s just rude. Are we not entertaining enough for your Majesty? Are we boring you?! Hey, nobody’s forcing you to stay in this thread, you know.
Maybe.
Maybe? That’s all you’ve got is maybe? You are not the life of the party are you, pal?
One of the dogs has to be groomed at the vet tomorrow under IV.
That IV is full of heroin, innit? And it’s really for you, innit? And your so-called “vet” is really your dope dealer, innit? And you haven’t given me his number yet because you are a self centered jerk, arntya?
1,1,2,3,5,8,13,21,34,55,89…
You take your fancy math somewhere else!
I’m wearing a Sgt. Pepper T-shirt.
I see you do not give a sh__ about you neighbor being triggered to use the drugs she used in the sixties. Now, are. You. wearing. Bell-bottoms? I just Know you are!
At least offer to drive her to NA.
I bought a huge can of mixed nuts. Ooooh, they’re good.
You are mixed nuts. Are you eating one of your cousins?
I just bought a couple of video games.
Just understand… no matter how many Japanese dating sims you try, those skills will never translate to real life.
To jest fraza w języku polskim
What is that, Polish? Xhosa? Urdu? Try writing in American, dammit. It’s the universal language.
I don’t know Urdu.
Maybe if you exposed yourself to other cultures instead of being an ignorant American, you might!
I choked on my breakfast this morning.