Remember how to chew? Open your jaws. Close them again. Open. Close. Repeat until food is mashed and soft enough to swallow. This isn’t 100,000 BC.
I had poutine for the first time last might.
Please take your Canadian snobbery elsewhere. I also noticed you didn’t offer to share.
I like purple, it’s a nice color.
Purple is the color of royalty. I suppose you fancy yourself as a princess. Guess what? You’re not. You’re a commoner, just like the rest of us.
I enjoyed an outdoor concert yesterday evening.
Well, la-ti-da. Must be nice not having to work or do something useful for society as a whole. Parasite.
It’s sunny out today.
No kidding! What with that gas guzzler you drive pumping out those noxious greenhouse gasses. Don’t worry about the crops or planet or anything though.
My dog is a papillon.
You know papillon translates to butterfly, right? What kind of stupid ass name is that for a breed of dog?
I prefer to write with felt-tip pens.
You still write? What century do you live in?
I’m attending a talk on Alexander Hamilton tonight.
Oh, great, more tiresome necrophiliac adulation given to Dead White Males.
Hey, it’s Tuesday!
Yeah, it’s Tuesday. You got a problem with that?
I chipped a tooth on a beer pretzel.
You were probably eating the beer pretzels while hanging out at the bar drinking too many beers, right?
The dog looks so cute after being groomed today.
Think of how many meals for starving Third World children could have been bought with the money you wasted on a pampered, spoiled canine.
I think I’ll go to bed now.
That’s literally all you do is sleep. Get up and do something lazy butt.
My cat scratched me.
What did you do, dress it up in a pirate costume or a wedding dress or something? When I see such things I would want a cat to scratch MY eyes out!
Today (yesterday) was our wedding anniversary. We saw Incredibles 2.
That sounds wonderful! So you decided to celebrate by CONTRIBUTING TO THE DEATH OF MODERN CULTURE BY WATCHING YET ANOTHER SEQUEL! I mean, i’m glad that neither you nor your spouse had to suffer the terrors of having to enjoy something ORIGINAL. Yeah, I bet you can’t wait for the LIVE ACTION remake of the first one.
If you’re using Windows, the Windows key + D will take you straight to Desktop.
Taking a shortcut, eh? You’re too damn good to use the mouse and just minimize your windows like a NORMAL person!
My dress has pink flowers on it.
Ohhhhh, a cute little dress with pink flowers on it. How feminine stereotyped can you dress?
I’m wearing work boots.
Well, if you’re going to wear work boots, you really should get off your lazy duff and do some actual work for a change.
I enjoyed a cup of coffee while sitting on the deck this morning.
Wasting more time, I see. Did you even bother to wash the cup when you were done?
I’m wearing a t-shirt I haven’t worn in a long time.
Is it a Winger shirt? I bet it’s a Winger shirt. Or some now-forgotten hair metal band.
Wonder what the food truck in our parking lot will be today?
Don’t just wonder - go see, or call, or ask somebody! Take some responsibility for your own damned life for a change, would ya?
I don’t have a cat anymore.