I’m not sure whether to be relieved or worried about that, but since you have a habit of always misplacing sharp objects, it’s probably best there be no small children or any animals in your immediate surroundings,
I’m going to make mashed potatoes with dinner tonight.
Why don’t you peel away all the nutrients while you’re at it? Don’t forget the butter. Lots and lots of butter.
My dermatologist carved out a spot of skin cancer on my arm and I have to care for the wound.
You just didn’t listen, did you? All the sun worshiping you did in your youth is now coming back to bite you. You’ll get no sympathy here.
I prefer rye whiskey to bourbon.
What a uncultured hillbilly you are! Everyone knows that all of the classy people drink scotch.
My post-it note pad is blue.
I’d be blue, too, if I had to be around you.
I’m writing a book of poetry.
Too good for prose? Or just a lazy writer?
My coffee is especially good this morning.
There you go. Stress out your heart with more caffeine. You’ll still be jerking and vibrating at your funeral.
My dog is at the vet this morning for a physical.
You take your dog in for a physical when there are people who can’t afford emergency medical care?
I got a great pair of pants at a garage sale for only a dollar.
Polyester certainly flatters your figure :rolleyes:
An LED light burned out in our bathroom, I will pick up a replacement on the way home.
On the way home from where, the local bar where you hang out? Get your priorities in order.
I need to write a list for the grocery store.
Just make sure you adhere to that list. Impulse buying ruined your last diet, remember?
My favorite sandwich is a BLT.
Do you know how much land and water is used to grow lettuce?
I’m not a fan of Donald Trump.
That’s why you get to vote, pal, or let me guess, you are one of the many that like to exercise your right to bitch, but not your right to vote. You people make us all crazy!
The peaches have been delicious this year.
I am finding this one hard. Oh, you could share, you know. You’re just greedy.
My tomato plants are producing well.
You know, some people have terrible soil and would give anything for fresh tomatoes that you just take for granted.
I’m waiting for coffee to brew.
That’s it, feed the caffeine addiction. Eventually your heart will stress and palpitate to the point where you’ll have to have several heart transplants and wear a pacemaker, and after you die somebody will break into your coffin to steal it and sell it on the Black Market.
I will finally get to use my new weedeater tomorrow.
You truly are quite funny. We all know tomorrow will be a completely lazy unproductive day for you just like today, and the day before…
A lot of goals have been scored during the stoppage time of the World Cup.
Oh, great, so you had to go and remind me that I could have been the greatest footballer of all time, if it just wasn’t for my general lack of coordination and athleticism. Thank you for that. Seriously, what did I ever do to you? Why are you so mean?
A man walks into a library and tells the librarian: “I would like a hot dog”. The librarian says: “This is a library!”. “Oh, sorry,” the man says, and the whispers: “I would like a hot dog…”
A man posts a silly joke in Thread Games and waits for “Oh you are so clever, you are sooo clever.” Crickets.
I didn’t get my nap in today.
Lay off the crack. You’ll sleep better. And smell better. And might almost be employable.
Benign comment.