What are you? A snowflake.
I painted my bathroom ceiling a beautiful blue.
Peace, contentment, blue ceilings–you people are old hippies.
I made stir fry for dinner.
How can you endorse China like that when they continue to occupy Tibet?
I just ate a bag of Fritos.
Inhaled them is probably more like it.
I’m exhausted and I can’t sleep.
Tribes of starving people in bangladesh don’t even have time to think about sleeping!
It’s Saturday here right now.
Maybe on YOUR side of the dateline it’s Saturday, but it happens to be Friday where I am. Stop being so time-zone-centric.
My surgery to remove an anal polyp went well.
You know why you have anal polyps? Because you one big pain in the butt.
The predicted snow bypassed us today.
You people that are always bitchin’ and complaining about the weather, never freaking happy are you?
I’m chilling out surfing the Straight Dope right now.
Why don’t you get a real life?
I just cleaned my kitchen, everything is spotless.
Man, you’re some tight-assed clean freak. Probably the uncreative type who felt she had to stay within all the borders in coloring books.
What does that cloud look like to you?
Oh, sure, remind me of my ex-wife, why don’t you?
Black Panther is certainly doing well at the box office.
My god, you racist. Are you implying Black Panther shouldn’t be doing well at the box office? It’s 2018, not 1888!!
Just endured a power outage and I’m sure glad it’s back on again now.
Dude, check your carbon footprint. You are single handedly killing the earth.
I just won $1 on a scratch-off.
Lotteries exploit the poor and the innumerate. Good job being part of opportunistic state economic oppression.
I can’t find my scissors; they were right here a minute ago.
Clouds are offensive, the ones that are portrayed as being beautiful, are always white. What happened to the “last post” about clouds, anyway?
I hardly ever use coins anymore.
Spoken like a smug middle class capitalist.
My partner just made breakfast.
I guess you’re going to complain about the mess in the kitchen now.
Me and the dogs had a pleasant walk this morning.
Yeah, and I bet your dogs left some unpleasant surprises for others to step in.
I sure enjoy reading my Sunday newspaper.
Why don’t you get up and do something instead of sitting around so lazily?
I just folded a load of laundry.
Don’t you know the fibers in your clothing from doing laundry make their way into the oceans and taint the mollusk populations? Thanks to you, we’re all eating weird stuff with our clams! If you really cared about the environment, you’d go nude.
I’m looking forward to fresh lettuce from the garden soon.