When did you become an expert food critic? Stick to your day job!
My car won’t start.
I’m not surprised; it’s a thirty-five-year-old heap that spews out God knows how many toxins when it actually does start. Of course it might be out of gas since you only put in five dollars’ worth at a time. Though that might keep the explosion small when it blows, maybe saving your life.
My '76 Ford van runs like a top.
So it is you that is the bane of American Automobile manufacturers. When the economy depends on you spending your money, you, YOU keep on old out of fashioned gas hog running. I don’t know how you live with yourself.
I’m going to a tailor to have my new jeans shortened.
I see you still haven’t learned to buy the right size the first time, Mr. Fancy Pants.
I’m leaving on vacation next week.
People like you keep Six Flags in business.
My check engine light is on.
Don’t you know Sheldon Cooper goes whackadoodle over that, and we do not need that.
I’m binge watching Whose Line Is It Anyway.
Whats the Point if they don’t Matter
I like to chug Boonesfarm!
Bum Wines keep America humming! Why don’t you start a thread? There are so many more to choose from for your afternoon naps!
We put a VoIP phone system into our office.
Yet another uppity individual who feels they’re too good to rely on the telegraph for their communications needs
I’m going to have to clean this stain off my pants.
You wouldn’t need to, if you hadn’t stained the pants in the first place, you clumsy oaf!
My dog is reddish-orange.
Orange is “reddish” you Moron! Red is one of it’s two mixed colors.
I’m trying to lose weight, I prefer to eat what I want.
Are you knocking me for being on a diet!?
Hey, I just found two cornflakes that look exactly alike!
(eta: Why did I ever pick this username??)
Do you have to steal other people’s ideas? Can’t you come up with something original on your own?
I’m getting more hours at work!
That’s exciting! Are you a long lost triplet?
We had a major thunderstorm around five this morning.
Just rub it in. We’re in a drought and heat wave, and our rivers are drying up…
But they’re not dry yet–I’m going swimming!
Swimming in an almost-dried-up river is called wading.
I’m going to go grocery shopping later today.
How lame! Boy, you’d never make it in a hunter gatherer society.
5:00 can’t get here soon enough
Please be sure not to leave your cart sitting randomly in the middle of an aisle so no one can get by, and stop trying to pass 30 items through the 15 items or less checkout. It’s people like you that make life so much more difficult for the rest of us.
I’m going grocery shopping tonight.
(sniff) I remember having a nine to five job and having enough money to eat…
I hope this is a good way to handle a simulpost.
What? I see no evidence you did anything to handle a simulpost. No post edited to say n/m. No “Dammit, ninja’ed!” Granted, doing absolutely nothing works too, so if that was your intention, you succeeded. Just not too admirably.
Time to punch out and hit the road. Have a good weekend!