Your leaden personality, of course.
Time to drink my morning coffee.
Can’t you get started in the morning without caffeine?
My most annoying co-worker starts maternity leave next week. Now I don’t have to hear her daily, incessant pregnancy excuses for not doing her work.
You get to look forward to her bringing her bawling rugrat to work because nobody wants to babysit that little changeling.
Working half Fridays this month and next. Yippee!
Please by all means continue to advertise to the world how lazy you are.
I just realized forgot to put salt in our water softener this month
Well, all that drinking you’ve been doing is probably the cause of your forgetfulness.
It looks like a gorgeous day!
Looks can be deceiving, you know. I just checked the forecast for your area and there’s a mile-wide tornado heading your way at 25 miles an hour. You’ve got about three minutes to get everyone in the car and out of there before your house blows away.
I like to grocery shop early Sunday mornings when Walmart’s not too crowded.
Afraid people will point and laugh at you?
I have a watermelon in my fridge. Yay!
You should really stop bragging.
This is a shit weekend, we got bad news on Friday.
Man-up and get to work. Maybe you can earn your own watermelon.
It’s 8:15 in the morning and I’ve got a decent buzz going.
Wake and bake, huh? There goes your damned day. There goes your brain cells. There goes you motivation.
I’m going to start a jigsaw puzzle.
Just the thing an anti-social anal recluse would do.
I have a dentist appointment today.
If you had taken good care of your teeth, you wouldn’t need to, you nimrod.
“Curiouser and curiouser!” Cried Alice
You came out of the rabbit hole to say that? Bet you had too much of the Mad Hatter’s ‘tea.’
Played Pathfinder for 7 hours yesterday.
Score one for unproductivity.
I had a salad.
I bet it was a little bit of lettuce laden with bacon bits, macaroni, sour cream, pork rinds, thousand island dressing, pickle relish and cheese.
Finally! The rain has stopped.
Finally! You can open the door and inhale a breath of fresh air before you return to your womb in the internet.
I wrote a poem.
Does it start, roses are red? That’s some talent you don’t have going there.
I like grilled cheese.
White bread, right? American cheese food, right? Margarine, right? With potato chips, right. Have you ever thought outside the box?
I have two rosemary plants now.
Then you and I are mortal enemies. Coriander fo’ life, yo!
My phone is stuck in a boot loop and I think I’m going to have to send it to be repaired.
Just drop that piece of crap Motorola in the toilet and buy a Samsung.
Had a call from an old friend I hadn’t seen in over 20 years a couple days ago.