Did you cook for a change, or order out as usual?
I have one more load of laundry to fold.
That’s a euphemism for lazing around on your butt, isn’t it?
The weather is very warm for January.
You must live in that one country where your weather conditions are the default. My friend in Perth, Australia is dealing with more than a little warmth…like he does every freaking January!
I miss Danny Tanner.
So I’m supposed to drop everything and Google “Danny Tanner,” just because you can’t be bothered to consider that maybe we don’t all waste our time on TV shows? How inconsiderate.
The cat broke four Christmas ornaments this year.
Even the cat is a lazy slackass. Tell him to get off his fuzzy butt and do better next year. SIX, at least!
I’m watching Julia Child’s omelette show - and getting hungry.
Admitting you watch that inane dribble sure leaves you with egg on your face. And once again, you’ve made this thread all about you and your insatiable appetite—gives us a break already!
I was at a pet store yesterday and saw the most adorable kittens.
I just told you I was hungry! Quit tempting me with tender, tasty treats!
I just finished shoveling the last of the winter slush off my sidewalks.
Thx. Making me wish for summer and fruit slushies from Sonic. I hate you!
I have a purring cat on my lap.
Purring can be a sign a cat is in pain, you know. Stop torturing your poor innocent kitty!
I get a post office box for free because there is no home delivery of mail in my neighborhood.
Oh, you people of the privilege class. You think you’re so cool, don’t you?
I am worrying about Trumps speech tonight.
Worry, worry, worry. His speech is something you have no control over. How worrying about something that you do have control over, such as being active in your community?
My headache is finally gone.
Got the drugs again, huh?
I ate a coconut bar.
You know, in Sardinia, Italy you can buy Casu Marzu, which is a kind of rotting cheese with living maggots crawling inside. It sounds awful, but I’ll say this one good thing about it… It’s still a million times less disgusting than a coconut bar. Nothing is as disgusting as a coconut bar.
Japanese movies are usually pretty fun.
So is this your oh-so-suave way of letting us know that “The Honorable Coconuts of Fuji” is not your favorite movie?
I am doing well on this, my 200th, diet.
You are so full of—well—everything! The only possible way any diet could work for you is if it had a facial-recognition lock-out for your friggin’ fridge and pantry. Drop the turkey drumsticks and get the hell out!
200 is my very luckiest number!
A lucky number? Yeah right, you poor deluded fool. You probably believe in homeopathy too.
My nose is stuffed up.
Your using the demon cocaine again aren’t you? You’ve lost everything, yet you keep relapsing! You’re a loser!
My foot went to sleep.
No, I’m not gonna bite. You gave us an easy one. I’m not gonna say, “it wouldn’t fall asleep if you would ever get yourself out of your easy chair.” I feel baited. What’s your angle?
My left butt cheek hurts.
I’m definitely not gonna bite that thing.
My dog needs a bath.
Yeah, if “a bath” means “to be put down”. Don’t be so cruel as to make him suffer any longer! He’s 27, blind, senile, has two missing legs, his tail just got smashed by the rocking chair, no working kidneys, rectal cancer, and fleas. What could you possibly be waiting for, you sadist!?
I love seeing early bulbs blooming.