Does that somehow make you better than me because I just read Dr. Suess’ The Cat in the Hat in English? What are you trying to say?
I wonder how much snow we’ll get tomorrow night.
Who in hell do you think you are—Wonder Woman? Leave the friggin’ wondering to professionals!
I’m pre-heating the oven for taquitos. Yum!
Are culturally appropriating the Spanish? Shame on you.
One of my cats has a stubborn hair ball.
Cats are evil. She is just waiting to hack it up on your bare foot.
The libraries are finally opened today, after closing for two “snow days.”
So, that was you wandering the racks peeking over books at people. We’ve got your number.
I missed Mardi Gras because I was sick.
Finally you’re too ill to drag yourself to fly to New Orleans just to wear another ill fitting outlandish costume and catch beads. You need beads so much? Seems desperate.
Spring’ll be here soon, time to plan our garden.
Why are you always in such a damn rush? Can’t you just enjoy the moment?
Spring must be coming soon, I have a sinus headache.
Boo Hoo! A sinus headache that will go away. So what?
I have a permanently disabled hand.
My uncle needed emergency spine surgery years ago, saved his life, but left him with a withered hand. I never hear him WHINING about it though! Be grateful you’re ALIVE!
Kids have such fun on Halloween.
That’s not fun, and you should really release them from your basement.
My dog just went off to take a nap.
And you just let him? OMG, what if he stops breathing? Why would you let him go off alone like that? Every single dog I’ve ever owned has died in their sleep. Sure, there was a vet and some drugs involved, but that’s not the point. The point is don’t leave them alone while they sleep!
I think it’s great that the internet sets all my clocks forward.
Great, like you think it’s great to post dumb cat videos 24/7, or you believe every bit of Russian propaganda on Facebook or soon you have your robot internet car drive you while you snooze in the backseat. Face it, the internet just rules your life.
Chicken soup tastes good and it’s good for you.
Pretty damn bad for the CHICKEN, though! But noooo, you didn’t think of THAT, did you, in your Homo sapiens sapiens-centric world?!
Irish golfer Rory McIlroy won a big PGA tournament today, St. Patrick’s Day.
Oh, wow. A lily white European plays good golf. He’s no Tiger Woods.
I just discovered a thrift store up the street from where I work that sells clothing for $2! Great for me!
Be sure to post a photo of you $4 pairings. I’m sure you will look just sparkly and your mother will be proud of you. Your friends’ suspicions will be confirmed. The internet may gain great fashion lessons from Annie-Xmas.
I bought a digital microscope to look at things up close.
Sure, ignore family and friends as you spend hours squinting at beetles or amoebas in swamp water. You know what needs to be looked at up close, Einstein? YOUR LIFE!
Dogs are truly man’s best friend.
Nothing I like better than going out for a walk at least twice a day and picking up dog poop.
Computers have certainly improved our lives.
You didn’t properly capitalize it. That goes to show how much thoughtfulness you have for the condition. With friends like you, who needs enemies?
I really should eat the grapes in our refrigerator before they go bad.
You should, but you won’t, because you’ll open that fridge door and see the left-over pizza and start salivating.
Forgot the second part!
I don’t remember the last time I looked at the Sunday funnies.