I think I'm an asshole.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So, I got laid after an eight month hiatus. Now, the problem is, I almost wish I hadn’t. The thing has gone on for about a week, but now I have to get out of it. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with me. I don’t think it’s her. The sex is nice. She’s a very nice girl, cute, friendly, calm, easy-going, and she seems to like me a whole lot, for some incomprehensible reason. This is supposed to be great. However, now I’m just completely cold and indifferent about the whole thing. I don’t even know why, but the only thing I’m feeling is an intense desire for her to disappear and leave me alone. Basically, I’m just not going to fall in love with this one, or even care about her, and it seems that now that my basic physical needs are satisfied for the time being, I’ve lost interest. I don’t want to be this way. I’ve never really been in this situation before. I’ve always had a tendency to worship and adore any nice girls who takes mercy on me for a while, but now I just don’t care. I’ve never had any respect for guys who act like this, but I have to be honest with myself.

Now, my last real relationship lasted for three years, and was incredibly intense for me. I was totally head over heals in love, even though it turned out that it wasn’t ment to be. Heck, maybe I still am, with my ex, that is, and that is the problem, even though I have no desire to be with her again.

The girl has just left town for a week, and I’m just incredibly relieved that she’s gone. When she returns, I’ll have to come clean and tell her that this isn’t going to lead anywhere. Damn it, she even said that she’ll miss me and that she can’t wait to see me again.

I just feel like total crap now. I never thought that getting laid could feel this bad. So, yeah, I think I’m an asshole. Feel free to slap me.

That is all.

2

From what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like you’re an asshole. You feel the way you feel- no need to apologize or beat yourself up about it. If you lead the girl on and imply that the relationship is moving in a direction she wants when you know the opposite, then maybe you’d be an asshole. But you identified the problem to yourself and it sounds like you’ve committed to break it off when she returns- that’s the stand-up thing to do.

Don’t sweat it.

3

Agree with McNew. You’re not being an asshole, just honest with yourself. You need to be honest with her too.
What you do next will determine if you’re an asshole or not…
Be well.

4

Asshole ergo sum? :smile

5

Don’t you think your hands feel neglected and unloved?

6

An asshole would wait for her to come back, have sex with her again, then tell her it’s not going to work.

Don’t be THAT asshole. Just tell her what’s up. She may think you’re an asshole, but the truth is that you’re avoiding the opportunity to be one.

Now get in that shower and make friends with your soap mister!

7

Thanks, guys.

Probably.

Heck, one thing that sure is bothering me is that my dick is talking to me. It’s saying, “dude, I know that it had been a while for both of us, but please, don’t put me into situations where you know I don’t really belong. I take pride in my work. I don’t want to go scewing around just anywhere. My heart has to be in it, you know.”

The damned thing has more balls than I do. So now it’s gone on strike. Just as well, I guess.

8

Little fella is confused. He thinks he’s your brain. He’s SUPPOSED to be the one rallying you on to greater and greater conquests. Then your brain pipes in with what Little Banana is telling you now. They’ve just confused their roles is all.

9

From a female perspective, you’re only an asshole if you’re not being honest with her. I agree with everybody else. Tell her how you feel–you’re only a complete dick if you don’t see the need to bother.

10

I’d have to say that the root of the problem is that you’re not ready for another ‘intense head over heels’ thing and you’re shying away from something that can lead to such.

But there’s a conflict there in that you’re weenie is saying ‘play me or trade me!’ Which is a natural enough thing for it to be saying, after all.

Best thing: If you think I’m right that you’re not ready for anything intense just tell the girl that. Tell her you think she’s very nice and you enjoy her company you don’t think you’re ready for anything very serious. With luck she’ll appreciate your honesty and you can move forward as a more casual ‘getting to know you’ and dating thing. Maybe something develops from that and maybe it doesn’t. But it takes the pressure off you when you’re not ready for it.

Listen to uncle JC, here: Not every dating relationship is a serious relationship. It is possible to enjoy someone’s company (and bed, if that’s a part of it) without picking out curtains/moving in together/shopping for rings. This is, to my mind, an important thing that a lot of people don’t get.

Be yourself first and see where that goes. If it goes with her then that’s great. If not then that’s great, too.

Then again, what do I know? I’ve been with the same woman since I was 19 (I’m 39 now).

11

I’ll have to chime in here and agree that you’re not an asshole. If you were an asshole you :

  1. Wouldn’t be concerned at all that you don’t have feelings for her
  2. Would continue to fuck her until she figured that out for herself
  3. Feel no remorse when you eventually broke her heart (because you’d be completely unaware of her feelings)
  4. Go out and find someone else and do it all over again

Good luck.

12

Do you drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane?
use public toilets and piss on the seats?
Drive a hot pink 1967 Cadillac Eldorado convertible with whaleskin hubcaps, all-leather cow interior and big, brown, baby seal eyes for headlights?
:wink:

sorry, couldn’t resist…

and no, if you tell the woman your true feelings for her (or lack thereof), you’re not being an asshole, string her along, yes you would be…

13

I agree with Jonathan Chance. It sounds like you’re in “new relationship shock.” This has happened to me before and I’m sure many others. It’s not really about the other person. You’re just not ready.

And, it has only been a week, fella! Not much time to adjust or even establish what is going on between you two. Luckily, you have a whole week to be alone and think about it.

You might decide she is too good to pass up, and tell her that you want to take things more slowly. Or you might get through the whole week and still want to run for the hills.

Either way, the first step is to be assured that you are not an asshole for feeling the way you do (in fact you seem very thoughtful; as others have said, if you were an asshole you wouldn’t care at all). So get that out of the way right now so you can think more clearly about all the rest. And good luck. :slight_smile:

14

If you’re feeling ‘meh’ about the whole thing then calling it off is the best thing, for you and her. There’s no point waiting and doing it a few months down the line when she may have developed stronger feelings for you.

It does not make you an asshole. Just human.

15

More of the same here. 24 year old male checking in. If it’s the truth, you’re not an ass. You’d be an ass if you were stringing her along. Now, if she’s cool with a sex-only relationship, then you’re right as rain.

Take the week to form your battle plan. If you need assistance, we’ve got us.

16

You’ve just had your first, as most people call it, a “rebound”.

Don’t feel like you’re an asshole about it (you’re not), just realize it for what it is and be honest about it with her. If you refuse to be honest, then you definitely are what you describe.

It sounds like you really care for her feelings, which makes you the complete opposite of an asshole.

Consider yourself lucky. It’s been a year, and I need one of those “rebound” things myself to get over the ex.

17

Sounds like too much too fast.

But you are not an asshole UNLESS you have sex with her again or do anything else that intimates to her that intimacy is growing between the two of you.

If you truly can’t stand to be with her-make the end swift and certain. “I’m not ready for this, you’re a very nice person etc, goodbye.”

If you like her fine as a friend, then maybe talk to her and hang with her w/o sex for awhile.

Whatever you do, don’t lead her on and tell her there’s a chance if/when you know there’s not.
Good luck.

18

You might try reading McTeague by Frank Norris. It’s an old book about how men and women react after “the act” (although the submitting in McTeague is not physical) and turns into a tragedy when the guy keeps on as if he still felt the same desire instead of stopping to reconsider. Maybe it wouldn’t be helpful at all, but your OP made me think of this book.
I agree with previous Dopers, the fact that you are worried is a very good sign that you are not a horse’s hind end.

19

I kind of wish I had been an asshole and cut off my relationship earlier. Now we’re far too attached to break it off and I feel like I can’t give her what she needs emotionally–but not because I don’t feel it for her; on the contrary, we love each other too much.