Agreed!
So he’s dealing with a complicated, emotionally fraught situation, and probably thinking out loud. You don’t take it well, so he says this:
And you respond with this?
That was a seriously shitty, unjustifiable thing to say. You should have apologized immediately.
Mississippienne, I think you’re too focused on the ex. This isn’t about your boyfriend’s ex - it’s about his child.
There’s no evidence from your OP that this guy wants to leave you for his ex. So don’t turn this into a situation where he’s making a choice between you and her.
But you also want to try to avoid forcing him to make a choice between you and his son. Because if you do that, he’s going to lose either way and so will both you and the son regardless of which of you he picks.
Circumstances may force that choice anyway regardless of what you do. But try to avoid that issue rather than pushing towards it.
I would love to have seen it go down like this:
Him: I just found out that my ex is taking my son out of the country. I’m confused, and wondering if I should move overseas to be near him.
Her: Wow, that sounds tough. I can’t help but wonder what will happen to us if you do that.
Him: Yeah, I know. But I can’t think about that right now. Can you give me a few days to sort it out?
Her: Of course! Take all the time you need!
Mississippienne,
You’re pinging all sorts of ‘oh, wow, yes, I used to be like her!’
The offer to move with him to Poland: Nice, yes! But…you’ve only been dating for seven months. It’s too impulsive and shows that you have committed too fast to this relationship. It’s an offer made without really thinking things through. And yes, I once did something similar – dating a guy for a few months and I offer to move to San Diego from Minnesota ‘somehow’ to be with him because I loved him and sure I’d be leaving my entire family/friends/job/housing, but I had him and our love of a few months was going to last! It didn’t, and I’m so glad he talked me out of the idea.
Also, sharing this personally charged/emotional fight with us on the internet is basically bringing us into your relationship. Ah, memories. I’d have a huge fight with my then boyfriend (now husband) and in righteous fury I’d stomp off and regale the entire fight word for word to my sister/friend/mom so that they could ditto head that I was right. This is something I’ve always thought back on as not cool, because I should have talked to my significant other FIRST, instead of running off to let a bunch of people I’m not immediately having sex with basically into bed with us.
As a side note, I would be hurt if my spouse had put a chat log of one of our fights up for a bunch of strangers to look over.
I would take a good look at a few things:
He has a kid, which is a pain in the ass enough AND he’s not bringing you into the decision making process of moving to England AND he’s a jerk when he fights. And, yikes, I see that he has his ex living with him? Unless his dick tastes like delicious vanilla pudding I wouldn’t stay.
I’d move on, date someone without kids who doesn’t fight like a jerk, and take things slower next time.
If a man enters into a relationship, the fact that he has a child isn’t some kind of trump card to end discussion. He’s got an obligation to tend to all the people he’s emotionally involved with.
Of course he does. But I think his son should come before a girlfriend of 7 months. And maybe even his ex, the mother of his child. They are obviously still very involved in each others lives. That said, the guy needed to be up front with the OP about where his priorities lie. If he wasn’t and led her on, I would change my tune.
That’s irrelevant. Nobody is asking him to choose his girlfriend over his son. I expect him, however, to discuss it with his girlfriend and when she’s feeling emotionally distraught by the prospect of losing him, to do something about it instead of insisting that she “drop it” and calling her names. He has an obligation to make his girlfriend feel like she is included in his life and in his decision-making process, regardless of what the final outcome is, not leave her hanging with the thought that he’s leaving.
And what if he needed time time to sort through his emotions about the situation before discussing it with her? Why does she get to decide when they will talk about it?
If you don’t mind answering, how long has he been divorced?
He still has an obligation to address her concerns in a sympathetic manner that’s something more than “just drop it.” That’s part of being in a relationship – you don’t just get to flick off the switch when it’s inconvenient. Even if you’re not able to fully resolve your feelings, you should have a way of talking to someone so he or she feels included in your life.
I am willing to bet he meant “drop it” for right now. Not forever. Do you honestly think he intended to never discuss this with her???
Then it’s his obligation to make that clear. “Just drop it” in that situation is rude, dismissive, and demeaning. It’s an order. You don’t give orders in that situation.
I think it was clearly implied. Moving on now…
“You disgust me” is not a phrase you use if you’re just mad at someone.
I didn’t know Mississippienne was Mother Friggin’ Teresa.. I’m Mr. Cerebral, Unemotional Guy, and I still don’t see how a human being could avoid at least a little kneejerk in that situation. He’s worried about his kid. She’s worried about her relationship. Neither of these worries are invalid. They both had very valid reasons to get upset and fight.
Sure, but that does not require that they snipe at each other. They could still act like adults. And since they were texting, of course they could avoid kneejerk reactions.
They acted like human beings. The only thing that really crossed the line of ‘normal fight’, IMO, was the line about being disgusted.
I’ll chime in about how the whole thing shoudn’t have been discussed via text - never a good idea. But the minute someone said I was disgusting them and called me insane, he’d be out the door on his ass. I suggest you do the same.
I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree on that. I found the whole exchange to be out of control.