This is what I was thinking when I read that.
That and he does sound like a self-involved, manipulative, jerk in that conversation. Maybe he’s a prince the rest of the time but that was over the top. They way to “drop it” is to stop having the conversation. He didn’t have to continue to escalate things by name calling.
Both of ya’ll got baggage. He’s got ex-wife/kid issues. You’ve got impulsive-love and abandonment issues, in addition to unspoken ex-wife/kid resentment.
Both of ya’ll need to stop texting when the emotions are running high. It gives you license to say all kinds of mean things because you’re not in the room with the other person, seeing their reactions. Also, it seems so immature to me. I don’t know why. It just does.
I could see myself flipping out if I tell someone to “just drop drop it” and they keep coming at me. How can that possibly end well?
I would end the relationship not because the BF is a jerk, but because he hasn’t figured out how to balance the dad/boyfriend role yet and because you sound like you need someone who will be fully and exclusively committed to you, with no interferring barriers. The BF is just not the one.
(I’m wondering how the friends are relevant to the story. They are only privy to the details that you provide, so it’s not like they are objective observers. Plus, of course they’re going to take your side. They’re your friends. I guess that’s the TMI part?)
Yes! That’s what I haven’t been able to put my finger on. Yes, a parent will (and should) place their child high in their priorities, but they have to place their serious relationships high, too, if they hope to turn that relationship into a new marriage and a partner who will be with them after the kids have grown up and moved away. Just saying, “I put my kid first” isn’t the end of the story.
That it the benefit of texting, or other communication at a distance. The issue can be unilaterally dropped. He didn’t have to read the text.
So I believe there was supposed to be a conversation last Friday? What happened?
Hey folks, I needed to give myself a few days to process everything before posting about it.
So, as I said I would, I sat him down and talked to him. I told him that I was sorry for acting childishly, but that he had wounded me greatly. I was proud of myself in that I told him everything I needed to say (I borrowed a little bit from **SanVito **as well, as s/he said some things that needed to be said in a much nicer way than I probably would’ve put it. Thanks, SanVito!). I told him, “I’m not making threats, I’m not giving you an ultimatum. I’m breaking up with you.”
He said he’d been expecting this. We talked for awhile, and he held me while I cried. I tried to talk to him again about why he won’t fight the ex in court, and he couldn’t give me a frank answer. He kept repeating how wonderful it was that we were gonna “be friends”, and I was privately thinking, Uh, we’ll see how that works out.
I then told him he was free to go, or we could go do what we’d planning to do that day for the past week. He wanted to go out, so we went and saw Thor together, which was exactly what I needed since it took me away into some beautiful other world and away from this one for a couple of hours. Then I walked him to the subway stop, and before he got on he said, “Bye, don’t talk to any guys on your way home.”
I said, “Oh, I’ll talk to lots of them,” and gave him a hug goodbye.
Here’s the weird thing: he’s been nicer to me lately than he’d been to me the entire 7 months we were together. Before, it was always me making plans, me rearranging my schedule, me telling him how much I adored him. Now he texts me stuff like “You’re so sweet”, “I think you’re cool”, “You’re good people.” WTF, why didn’t he say that stuff when we were together?
Thursday, he asked if he could come over that night and we could watch* Game of Thrones*. That’s our usual gig; he comes in from Brooklyn to my place in Queens and stays the night. I told him that wasn’t a good idea since he’d want to sleep with me, and I don’t sleep with friends. I pointed out I have several male friends (one is a fellow Doper); I don’t have sex with them, so why should he be any different? He insisted he could be a gentleman, but I said I needed some time to get my head together.
This Friday, an ex-boyfriend of mine invited me to go see an astronomy show with him and his girlfriend. I was so excited to be invited, and I especially thought it was sweet of his girlfriend to ask me along. A lot of girls would NOT be cool with their BF’s ex-girlfriend tagging along on a date. So when my now-ex-BF asked what I was doing Friday, I told him I’d been invited to the astronomy show and he got really excited and wanted to go. But it wasn’t appropriate to invite him along when I myself had been invited! I told him so and went with my hosts and had a grand time.
Today we chatted a little and made plans to watch GOT this weekend. I repeated that I have no intention to sleep with him – “That’s not my definition of friend.” He swears he can behave himself. Would I like to be friends with him? Yes and no… I enjoy our time together but it hurts a little too, because I still have impulses to kiss or cuddle him like I would when we were together. Aside from being inappropriate, it’d be too confusing to my emotions to act like that now. I need to move on.
Okay, and one last weird thing – a couple days ago I changed my status on OKCupid from ‘seeing someone’ to ‘single’. Guess who appears on my visitors page – the Latvian ex-boyfriend who dumped me on his fucking birthday last year! Fuck that guy. I was outraged that he would be looking at my profile when HE dumped ME a year ago! I told him then that we couldn’t be friends and to never bother me again. I would truly prefer not to know if he’s alive or dead. I sent him a message saying I didn’t appreciate seeing him on my Visitors page, and to leave me the hell alone.
He just wants to sleep with you without having to work at a relationship. (At least, that’s the impression I’m getting.) If I were you, I’d stay far away. I was in a similar position once and I discovered that a) I am incredibly weak-willed b) it’s hard not to sleep with someone you’ve already slept with countless times (and are still attracted to) if they’re right there and willing. Do what you need to in order to move on.
+1
He wants to string you along, hoping he can keep getting the sexytiems without having to commit to you over his ex and all of that.
You’re doing good at setting limits.
Yes, it appears this is a man who likes to have a couple burners simmering at a time that he can turn the flame up as he likes. And keeping you on your toes redefining ‘friendship’ for him is his way of doing that, making you consider him romantically although you’ve repeated that it’s over. Is this guy’s name Dave by any chance? I know a Dave who’s a goddamn master of the every-burner-on-simmer lifestyle. He has fought off more STD’s than anyone else I know. Can’t imagine why…
I don’t think you can have have sex w/ this guy w/o caring about him, do you? Is it worth it to go through this cycle every few months or are you better off w/o him?
I think you should cut off all ties with him until you are over him. Then consider being friends. It’s way too soon for that now.
So he’s so happy that you’re friends, huh? Did he apologize for the cruel way he treated you in yhe texts? And he’s still hiding the ball when it comes to his ex. Doesn’t sound like this friendship is off to a solid start. I shouldn’t bs giving advice, but if it were me, I’d cut off the Sunday night HBO sessions. You’re risking too much by continuing this coupling behavior and it looks like he’s ready to pounce on any “benefits” he can weasel.
+1,000
Run. Very fast. You have lots of friends and what sounds like a very active social life. You do not need to accomodate this guy. And he is clearly not interested in being your friend.
Kudos to you for breaking up with him, in the way you did. Now go find someone else who is worth your time, and seriously consider never engaging in another “text fight.” It is beneath you.
Yep. I could write a little novelette here for you about how I’ve been there and done that, and what I learned about myself and people like this and blah, blah, blah, but I’ll just say this:
DON’T.
Stop now. No friendship, no occasional plans, no “being a gentleman”. He will suck you back in, and once he does, things will be worse than ever, because he will know how much power he has over you. If you thought the relationship was lopsided before, just you wait.
And even if you can hold out and are able to keep the boundaries clearly drawn, you’ll soon find you’re sick of having to re-draw them every half-hour or so. Because he will keep trying, implying that you’re just so wonderful that he can’t resist you - when he really wants to prove to himself that he’s so wonderful that you can’t resist him.
He ain’t all that. Walk away.
That is not a weird thing; that is what guys do when they’re trying to turn a relationship they never really wanted into no-strings-attached fuckbuddydom.
That’s why he’s looking forward to “being friends” with you.
I didn’t want to be so blunt, but this is exactly right. There is absolutely nothing weird about how he is acting. It’s rather predictable.
You got that right.
I think you’re right. Guys who wanted to be in a relationship cringe at a mention of “let’s be friends.” A guy who’s psyched at it and is being super-nice is almost certainly aimed at getting back in your pants.
My other thought: He’s been passive-aggressive and wanted you to break up with him. Your doing so and still wanting to be friends lets him feel like he’s not a bad guy.
Yes, I’m in agreement that this is the case, and that a cut of ties for her to get her head in order might be the best thing to do.
Or…Mississippienne, just invite dates to your Sunday night HBO fest. I mean, if you guys are just friends, it should be cool, right?
It sounds like you are learning to set boundaries in a new and more assertive way, congrats! It will pay off enormously if you stick to your guns!
My guesstimate of what’s going on here:
Re the not fighting in court: There is something here you don’t know about. Something bad that he has done, and she can prove. Also, he really doesn’t want any responsibility - he only wants benefits. This is as true of his child as of you.
Re: the being nicer:
You have bumped him back into charming mode. He is trying now, and will continue to try just as long as it takes to get you back where he wants you, then he will revert to type. Don’t fall for it. This guy is not, and never can be, a good friend. He doesn’t “give” he “invests”, and only when he feels assured of a payoff.
Worst case scenario - he can’t accept being the dumpee, and will charm you just long enough to get you to re-commit so he can be the one to say “Goodbye.”
I can answer that - if he did that, he wouldn’t get to play victim anymore.
You need to run far away from this guy - he is very much mired in the drama triangle lifestyle. He’s only happy when he can be playing “poor pitiful me”, and you can’t rescue him from that, or from his problems.
The “I’ll be a gentleman” line is raising red flags for me. Just because he’s promising to be a “gentleman” doesn’t mean that he’s promising to not make a move on you/try to get in your pants/whatever. It also sounds to me like the sort of bullshit self-delusion that a guy might use to convince himself that you really want to screw (or why have him over), and little things like verbal consent are mere technicalities.