I want my mom to die

There, I said it, i put it in print for the world to see.

I want my Mom to die.

Two months ago, she was still pretty good, she went camping at a bluegrass festival, she had fun.

Eight weeks ago, they stopped her treatment for cancer, because her lung cancer has spread to her esophogas, WHILE she was on really harsh chemo.

They did exploratory surgery to see about putting a thing in her throat to keep it open,but she went into congestive heart failure and almost died. So they are letting her throat close. She cant survive the procedure.

About 5 weeks ago, she took my youngest son to a waterpark for the day, along with my neice. My aunt and cousin went to help with the kids. Mom couldnt do much, because she is on an oxygene feed 24/7 now, but she went.

She came home exhausted, and with no voice.

Her voice never came back. I would give all I have in the world to hear her precious voice again, her strong funny sarcastic voice, but I never will. SHe whispered for a while, now she can barely be heard, she sort of breathes the words.

IN four weeks she has declined so much I cant begin to describe it. She can no longer eat anything at all now, just the occasional sip of tea or water, anything thicker and she chokes and gags.

She can barely breathe, she cant talk, cant eat, she is very weak.

She is stupid now, my brilliant funny Mom, is likean old old lady at 52, she makes no sense sometimes, thinks she sees people, or bugs. She wrote a note to my stepdad and some of the words were missing.

BUt she JUST WONT DIE!

SHe cant even gag down her pills anymore, they have her on an IV, and my poor pathetic BROKEN stepdad has to inject her with painkillers.

I keep thinking IT HAS TO END SOON, but it goes on and on and on.

My Grammy calls me almost every night to ask about my day, like my Mom used to, but cant anymore becasue she can only whisper/pant for a few minutes at a time. We always end up crying. I think Grampy might not be able to handle this, he is old and frail, and it could very well be the end of him.

Mom has my stepdad taking my kids bowling every saturday so he wont kill himself when she dies.

I cant sleep. I have had to start cannibis-ing myself to go to sleep.

Why wont she die?

How can a person live without food?

She is all sunken and small now, she was always built like Rosie O’Donnell before, now her skin is like parchment and she needs help to walk.

She is my Mom. Hse wasmy mom, I dont know this woman, I want her to go away now before I forget my mom altogether and all I remember is the stupid sick scary woman that I have now.

I hate myself.

I just want this to be over so I dont cry every fucking day.
I am a monster

{{{{{Kelli}}}}}

don’t torment yourself, hon. You don’t want your mom to die. You want her to be released from the living death she’s trapped in.

Would you feel like a monster if you’d phrased it, “I don’t want my mom’s suffering to be prolonged”? Because THAT’S what you’re really saying.

Oh, . . . oh, kelli, I am so sorry.

You are not a monster. You just don’t like seeing your mom in pain, and you know it’s not going to get any better.

I wish I could give you a shoulder right now or offer some sort of insight that would make it all better. FWIW, my mom went through the same thing with her mother - cancer of the tongue and mouth as well as diabetes.

For now, just survive. Day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute. When your mom dies, you’ll be able to relax a little bit, and that’s okay. Death is inevitable. I think it’s the suffering we fear more than anything.

{{{{{{{{{kellibelli}}}}}}}}}}}}

If there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.

No, you aren’t. You want the pain to end - for all of you. That’s not monsterous, but compassionate. Don’t sell yourself short there, kelli. Though I’ve never been in your shoes, I can see where you’re coming from. I won’t say I know, because I can’t. But I can imagine it.

{{{kellibelli}}} I wish I could do more.

Aw, kelli.

You are not monster. It just hurts to see her waste away and dying by inches. What you’re feeling is perfectly normal for your situation.

{{{kelli}}}

{{{Kelli and Mom}}}

You’re not a monster Kelli, and please don’t hate yourself for going through normal things.

I’m pretty sure that your thoughts and feelings are completely normal. This is one of the hardest things you’re likely to go through, and having it be slow and lingering is the most painful part.

I don’t really know you, but I’ve seen you lots around the boards. I think you’re doing a fabulous job in incredibly trying times, and…well…

I don’t do cyberhugs, but will you take supportive hand squeezings?

Kelli, I echo everyone else. You are not a monster. I admire you so much for being willing and able to say these things. It’s all completely understandable, it has nothing to do with NOT loving your mother and everything to do with the fact that you love her so much.

Thanks guys

I will be alright tomorrow, when I go to school I dont think about anything except school. If I could just stay there all the time I would be fine. I hate to come home , I hate the weekends Friday is the worst day of the week.

School is good I just have to wait for school.

I cant do my stupid homework becasue peopel keepe calling me and making me cry, then I cant concentrate.

and my rotten kids wont go to sleep so I cant even go outside for herbal releif.

I will be ok.

thanks for caring guys

oh kellibelli. i’m so sorry.

you are not a monster, you just want what is best for your mum. a gentle journey on.

((((((Kellibelli)))))

You’re NOT wrong for wanting this to end. You’re not a monster, and please, don’t hate yourself.

She’s your mother, you love her, and you don’t want to see her suffer.

I felt very much the same way you do when my grandmother and my father-in-law both passed away two years ago. They were in so much pain, and I wanted it to end for them, too. As I’m sure you wish for your mother, I’d rather my relatives hadn’t gotten sick. But they did, and both came to know that they were going to die. All my family could do was watch, wait, and let them know that we loved them.

I wish I could tell you that it’s easy, but it’s not.

(((((Kellibelli again)))))

Email if you ever want to talk, vent, or anything at all.

Much love, Cristi

My God, kelli, you’re not a monster… I wish I had words for you right now, but I don’t. There’s nothing worse than watching a loved one die slowly. I’m so sorry, and I wish an end to the suffering.

Watching a loved one in there last days is very hard, my dad is the youngest of his brothers, and sisters. I’ve watched the ones that I knew die too. My uncle Bob was a strong healthy man, of 250lbs, then he started forgetting things(alshiemers). My aunt Joy (his sister) took care of him for the last year of his life, even when he didn’t know who she was, we would visit and he didn’t know who we were either. The my aunt Joy came down with lung cancer, about the same time my Aunt Cookie did. My grand mother past away years before that due to complications from surgery to remove cancer from where she smoked.

The only thing I have to remember them by are my memories, and that will never change, I remember my uncle bob driving down our street when I was six years old on my birthday. He had a red fourwheeler in the trunk of his caddilac, we spent the rest of that day riding around the yard and through the hills behind our house.

My aunt Joy and my Grandma would always play the lottery, they never won anything of coarse, but they would always give me a couple tickets and we would watch tv when the numbers came up to see if we had won. Then they’d go to the kitchen and fix something to eat. They’d always make me their homemade pizza, it was better than anything from pizza hut or papa johns, and it was my favorite.

It’s those little memories that you cherish after some one is gone. It’s the time that you did get to spend with them while they were here that matters. I can’t tell you the hurting will go away, even years later I still tear up when I think about them, but I can tell you that it makes it feel a whole lot better when you think of all the memories that you got to share with them.

{{{kelli}}}

Kelli dear.

You are NOT a monster. You are a human being who loves your mom so much that seeing her like this tears you apart. You only want the best for her, and at this point you feel that the best for her is to pass out of this world with some dignity and peace. And that the way things are, she is not able to DO this.

I don’t have the answers as to why she is still here. But I do believe that she will be here until the time is right for her to let go. As hard as it is for you to see her like this, there must be some part of her that wants to stay a bit, until she has done whatever it is that she feels she still needs to do.

Kelli, I have been there. Not the same circumstances, it is never the same for everyone. But…I DO understand, and I DO want to be here if you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to vent to, or WHATEVER you need. I am a good listener, and I understand.

Please email me if you want to talk. If you don’t, please know that I am praying for you and sending you all the love I can. This truly stinks, and nothing anyone can say is going to change that.

My address is Scotticher@aol.com …please use it if I can do anything at all for you, no matter what you need I will try to help you with it.

I have never experienced pain like I felt when my mom got cancer and died. You are not alone. You are not a monster. You WILL get through this, and I and many others here will be HERE for you. Count on it.

Much Love,

Cheri

You need to contact a hospice organization now. Don’t read past this message - do it now. You can reach them at http://www.nhpco.org/. There is a link on the top left to search for one in your state. This organization’s goal is to help people with terminal diseases to die with dignity and grace on their own terms. Please - for your sake, for your mom’s sake, for the rest of your family. At least call them and talk. They can help.

I’ve been there, kellibelli, and felt the same way. This isn’t how she wants to be remembered. She probably wants her release from this degradation much more than you do. You sound like a wonderful person - not a monster. Try to focus on your mother as she was before the cancer, if that’s possible for you. And don’t blame yourself for your love and humanity. Whatever peace I can send is coming your way.

Kelli,
I am not much for cyber hugs, and while I am a longtime lurker, I have been here for awhile. You can email me or even talk to me if you just need someone to listen. I feel for you, and I know your agony, I too have had a similar situation. You are not a monster. You just want to see her go with dignity and without pain. She is hanging on for you and for the rest of those that she loves, and she might be afraid to go.
She is still your mom, she still loves you, but she is confused, she has started her journey and soon she will leave altogether. Hold her hand, be with her, and let her know that when she is ready, it is ok for her to go. Let her know that you will take care of things after she is gone and let her know that everything will be ok.
I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you will remember her as she was and not how she was so sick. It will take time, but in the end you will remember her being happy. Remember that now, and tell her of those times that you remember being with her, it will help you feel better and help her feel more at ease.
Just remember that she loves you, and try to ease her pain and fear. Hold her hand, talk to her, give her hugs, and try to find out if there is anything that she wants or feels the need to do before she dies. Help her with it and keep yourself busy untill it is her time. It will soon come and she won’t hurt anymore.
It is an honor to be with a person at their passing, I have been with two friends and one family member when they have died. It is a moment of peace and love that few of us rarely get to witness. It hurt me greatly to see them go, but it was a relief when they did, picking up the pieces is the worst to do, but remeber that you can, and there are people that care about you. Even out here in the nameless blips of eletrons there are people thinking about you.
You are not alone.

Love and Grace,
Melissa

{{{{{{{{{{Kelli}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Robin

Kelli, I really feel for you. I’ve never been thru anything close to what you are experiencing, so I don’t know how I’d think or feel.

When my father died, I didn’t want to look. I never wanted to have the memory of him not alive and the way he always was. I understand how you must be feeling.

You just want the misery to end. You are a loving person that can’t stand to watch suffering. Dying is her only way out now and you can do nothing. But hold on for a while. Love each moment, you won’t have many more.

Jim

Kelli, you are NOT a monster. Repeat, you are not a monster. What you are saying is that you want your Mom to slip gently into peace. That’s not mean or harsh or evil.

It’s the most generous thought a person can have for their loved ones. You don’t want your Mom to suffer. You wish her peace and comfort and an easy journey. Although it means that her physical presence will be gone, your wish for her to have a simple release from pain and suffering is the ultimate gift. The desires you expressed in your post are the zenith of selflessness. You’re not being mean or selfish when you wish for your Mom’s release. In fact, you’re the exact opposite.

I’ll remember you and your family in my prayers and I wish all of you peace and strength. If you want to vent, cry or whatever, please email me. My address is on my profile.

{{{{{Kelli and her Mom}}}}}}}

Zappo