There, I said it, i put it in print for the world to see.
I want my Mom to die.
Two months ago, she was still pretty good, she went camping at a bluegrass festival, she had fun.
Eight weeks ago, they stopped her treatment for cancer, because her lung cancer has spread to her esophogas, WHILE she was on really harsh chemo.
They did exploratory surgery to see about putting a thing in her throat to keep it open,but she went into congestive heart failure and almost died. So they are letting her throat close. She cant survive the procedure.
About 5 weeks ago, she took my youngest son to a waterpark for the day, along with my neice. My aunt and cousin went to help with the kids. Mom couldnt do much, because she is on an oxygene feed 24/7 now, but she went.
She came home exhausted, and with no voice.
Her voice never came back. I would give all I have in the world to hear her precious voice again, her strong funny sarcastic voice, but I never will. SHe whispered for a while, now she can barely be heard, she sort of breathes the words.
IN four weeks she has declined so much I cant begin to describe it. She can no longer eat anything at all now, just the occasional sip of tea or water, anything thicker and she chokes and gags.
She can barely breathe, she cant talk, cant eat, she is very weak.
She is stupid now, my brilliant funny Mom, is likean old old lady at 52, she makes no sense sometimes, thinks she sees people, or bugs. She wrote a note to my stepdad and some of the words were missing.
BUt she JUST WONT DIE!
SHe cant even gag down her pills anymore, they have her on an IV, and my poor pathetic BROKEN stepdad has to inject her with painkillers.
I keep thinking IT HAS TO END SOON, but it goes on and on and on.
My Grammy calls me almost every night to ask about my day, like my Mom used to, but cant anymore becasue she can only whisper/pant for a few minutes at a time. We always end up crying. I think Grampy might not be able to handle this, he is old and frail, and it could very well be the end of him.
Mom has my stepdad taking my kids bowling every saturday so he wont kill himself when she dies.
I cant sleep. I have had to start cannibis-ing myself to go to sleep.
Why wont she die?
How can a person live without food?
She is all sunken and small now, she was always built like Rosie O’Donnell before, now her skin is like parchment and she needs help to walk.
She is my Mom. Hse wasmy mom, I dont know this woman, I want her to go away now before I forget my mom altogether and all I remember is the stupid sick scary woman that I have now.
I hate myself.
I just want this to be over so I dont cry every fucking day.
I am a monster