Friend Kelli,
My Mom passed away one year ago today. I absolutely understand what you mean. I wouldn’t have wanted my Mom to suffer one more minute than necessary, and watching her last days, when there was nothing that could be done, was the most helplessly miserable I have ever been. I sat holding her hand as she quit breathing and her heart slowed to a stop until her hand grew cold in mine. I think of her every day, and miss her more today than ever.
{{{{{{ kelli }}}}}
Kelli:
We know you love your mom and we all will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Be strong for grandma and grandpa, talk to them, let them know you need to know how they feel and need their support. Be a family now when you all need each other. Explain yourself to your children and let them know that this is not their fault. And it is not yours either.
With love,
Dan
{{{{{Kelli and Mom}}}}}
My best wishes go out to you, Kelli. I have never been in your position before, so I’m not going to say much. I will say this though:
Like everyone said, you’re not a monster. Don’t think you are. It hurts me to read this thread, so I can’t hardly imagine how you feel. Nobody likes to see a relative (if anybody) suffer. You’re human. Humans don’t like stuff like this. Humans never will.
If you need to talk to me: eagleeye_04@yahoo.com
You have my sincerest condolences Kelli.
If I were in your mother’s condition I’d want someone to do me the kindness of easing me off this mortal coil. I’m sure none of this easy for you, please do not feel guilty. Bring your mom some really sweet smelling flowers. She’ll be able to appreciate them. Try and be good to yourself right now, you need to be.
Kelli - I watched my dad die by inches with lung cancer. He wasn’t a smoker. The last week he was in a coma, and each day the hospice people would say he couldn’t last through the day, but he struggled on. Finally, just after midnight he finally let go. Just after my mother and my aunt got beers (which my mother rarely drank) and raised a toast to him. My sibs were all there. We’d said the rosary, and they had their beers and he just left. And it was finally over. I was so glad - watching him die by inches was the hardest thing ever. And I truly believe he is in a better place. He certainly couldn’t be in a worse. And your mom will be soon, too. Stay strong.
StG
Kelli, I’m so sorry.
I have this vague, half-formed theory that these illnesses are nature’s way of making us willing to let go of the people we love. It’s hard to let go, but it’s harder to hang on to them when they are like this.
Your mother sounds like a really special person. I know you feel proud that you had her for your mother, and that you’ll always remember her. She’ll live on in your heart.
Yes, yes, emphatically yes.
Please, Kelli, get in touch with a hospice organization. They are incredibly helpful. They understand. They can help.
Call them, email them…right away. Please.
My heart goes out to you.
kelli, we went through this in our family with my beloved grandmother. Over the course of two years, she gradually lost her mental faculties, and developed more and more physical problems until she was bedridden and couldn’t recognize anyone. It was so painful and awful, and yes, you get to the point where you just wish she would die so that you can finally let go and really grieve.
It is a terrible feeling, but please know that you are not alone. My thoughts are with you.
Still another addition to this pile-on of love, concern, support and general caring.
Been in a situation close to yours, kellibelli. I hope that your mother’s suffering ends as soon as it can, and that your suffering ends soon too.
Life, sometimes, can be such a bitch. Hugs to you, kiddo – lots of 'em.
kellibelli, like everyone else here I will say, you are not a monster for wishing your mother at peace. Just now my 97 year old grandmother is going into “temporary nursing care” that I think will be permanent. Her health is finally starting to fail. She is one of three people most dear to me in the world, the last of her generation in her family, and I have caught myself wishing she could just go and see Grandpa again. Seeing someone in difficulty like your mother is painful because it reminds us we will not always have a loved one. Please, do as has been suggested, and call the hospice organization. And I will remember you and your family in my prayers. Prayer can help. God bless you all.
{{{kelli}}}
Oh kelli…
I lost Dad in '86 after twenty five years of heart disease, and Mom in '95 after a long, hard struggle with alcholism, mental illness and a series of strokes. Believe me, I do not think you’re a monster. Watching your parents struggle is the hardest thing you can do. Your whole life experience tells you that they are the caregivers and comforters, not you, and when it’s suddenly the other way around a person has no idea how to cope. It sounds like you have a really good relationship with your Mom. Nothing can ever take that away. The memories you have, and your kids have, are part of you forever.
Listen, kelli. There’s something I think I should warn you about. When your mom passes away, you will feel relieved. This DOES NOT make you a bad person. It’s a normal reaction to the absence of stress, and you ARE under stress! Another thing you will probably go through-anger. You may find that you go through a period of being mad at your Mom. You will be upset because she left, because she is no longer around when you need her. This is normal too, and very, very common. I’ve read a lot about grief, and experienced more than enough of it, (besides Mom&Dad, I’ve lost a son, most of my relatives, and several very close friends, one of them a guy I dated for five years) so please believe me. What you feel, and are going to feel is in no way wrong or bad.
kelli, I don’t know how you feel about prayer, and I hope you’re not offended, but I’m going to pray for you and your family, ok?
btw, you said your Mom seems confused-that may be from lack of oxygen. I don’t know what percentage she’s on, but if it’s not already 100%, maybe it needs adjusting.
Mail me if you want-I check it regularly.
You WILL get through this.
everyone’s supporting you, kellibelli, you’ll be fine. I really feel for you and your mom, really. sends good-feelings and sympathy vibes
you know, you can ask the doctors to just let her go, instead of keeping her alive to suffer. She probably doesn’t like this situation any more than you do :watery smile:
sends a whole lot more sympathy vibes and a hug and squeeze for kellibelli and co.
Kells, my heart goes out to you. Went through the same thing with my mom for two years. One day she was as healthy as could be, the next she was in intensive care and remained either in the hospital or in a nursing home for the next two years. She was never able to walk again, and she had times where she would know you, more often not.
I remember saying the same words as you have said, even to her. The last two weeks were the worst. They took her off the respirator on a Friday and said she wouldn’t make it through the night. She lasted another week, dying the next Friday as noon. Who can say why they hang on so long? She too could not take food, or water, in any form. But yet she struggled to live until that last breath. We must have some built in survival instinct. I kept telling her it was ok for her to go on, that she didn’t have to fight to stay.
The body is an amazing creation. My only reasoning to it all is that we fight to stay because of the ones we love, even though we hurt them by doing so because they can’t stand to see us in pain.
Please be easy on yourself. You aren’t super woman, you are just human as we are. You can’t take on the world alone. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do to get through this. When it’s all over and done with, don’t beat yourself up for your thoughts and feelings.
{{{{Kells}}}}
My heart goes out to you kellibelli.
No words just good thoughts for you and your mom winging their way across the Atlantic.
Sometimes people are holding on for a reason. My mother-in-law waited till she said good-bye to everyone, even the ones who took a while to make plane arrangements,and then she slipped quietly away.
My mother, too, died of lung cancer. My dad was taking care of her until the end. I don’t really think he knew how close the end was, because he had me stop to buy weeks worth of Ensure on the way to the house the night she died. Her breathing slowed, and the rest of us knew the end was close. I began reminding her to breathe. I kept saying “Take a breath, Mom.” And then I realized, she was just doing that because I wouldn’t let her go. "I said “Oh. I guess you don’t have to take a breath if you don’t want to.” And she stopped, right then, and died.
I don’t know if there is something or someone your mother is waiting for, but the hospice people may be able to help with this. Hugs and prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.
kellibelli,
My thoughts are with you.
You are facing one of the great challenges of the age we’re living in, modern medicine’s ability to prolong life, but not necessarily quality of life. We are all challenged by not only the medical issues, but the difficulties of surviving in the face of lingering terminal illness. You’re going through an emotional whirlwind, so don’t be surprised by feelings that are not what you think are ‘appropriate.’
A couple of my best friends are hospital chaplains, one at a children’s hospital and one at a cancer care center. They are experienced at dealing with the range of feelings that survivors go through. Perhaps you can discuss this with the hospital chaplains, social workers or other counsellors.
Best wishes for you and your family.
Bill
{{{{{Kelli and family}}}}}
My paternal grandfather (my mom’s dad) died a few years ago, from Parkinson’s…it was a long, drawn-out, intensely frustrating experience for all of us, especially him. By the last few months of his life we were all hoping that it’d be over for him soon. Count me in as another voice saying, “You’re not a monster.”
Hospice is WONDERFUL. Do look into it. For the last month or so of his life Granddad was in a residential-type hospice facility (he’d been in a nursing home for about six months by then), but there is also home hospice available. Grandma couldn’t have handled having him at home, she’d been wearing herself out for years taking care of him as it was. I don’t know how these people do what they do, but I’m glad they do it.
I completely understand, kellibelli. My mother is in the latter stages of Alzheimer’s Disease. She has almost no functioning, and pretty much just spends the whole day screaming. She is gone, as far as I’m concerned, and I wish this doppleganger of her in the bed would go away. No one deserves that.
{{{{{kellibelli}}}}}
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I know it’s tough. Just hang in there.