My thoughts are with you too Kelli.
You are no monster, kiddo. Hang in there.
Hug your boys for us.
Kelli, I’ve been there too, and it’s a tough road. I will keep you in my prayers.
Kelli, nothing to add here that hasn’t been said. Just know that you and your family are in my prayers.
Kelli:
You are not a bad person. You are a compassionate person who hates seeing someone they love in pain.
I watched three of my four grandparents die slowly. Both grandfathers had cancer of varying types, my grandmother had Alzheimer’s.
Now my mother is becoming forgetful due to micro-strokes.
I can understand how you feel – I lost a dear friend back in Middle School because I kept saying “I wish Grandpa would die”. She thought I was morbid. What I was meaning was I wished he would be out of his pain – because the man in the nursing home was NOT the same man I knew growing up.
I’ll keep you and your family in my thoughts, Kelli. Deity Bless You!
(((Kelli)))
I am so sorry. It’s not fair that we should see our loved ones suffer, so. I also recommend hospice. My SO and his family watched his father die slowly of a brain tumor. When they finally called hospice, it was a great relief and comfort to them. They can’t make it easier but, they can provide physical and emotional support. I am praying for you and your family.
another post to offer sympathy. also, hospices usually have social workers to help the family, as well as nurses to ease the suffering of the ill.
Aw, gee, Kelli, saying “I want my mom to die” is about the NICEST thing you can ask for right now. And it’s a wish she would like granted, too, I think.
{{{{{Kelli and Kellimom}}}}}
{{{{Kelli}}}}
I read your post much earlier today, and have started a couple of times to say something. I just haven’t found the place to start. My mother was taken by bone cancer 2 1/2 years ago. I was not totally devastated because I could see it coming. And I was happy that she wasn’t suffering any more. I know that it’s harder for you than it was for me. I was 2000 miles away and hadn’t seen her since the initial diagnosis 9 months earlier. And she was just one week shy of 86, not as young as your mother. And I say young because she’s only 2 years older than I.
But you’re NOT wrong to want her suffering to end. And there’s only one way for that to happen. I think it’s almost as hard to watch someone, as to go through it. All you can do is to remember that one of these days she’ll find peace. Do what you can to help until then. Even if she doesn’t recognize you sometimes, she still needs you.
And when that day of peace finally comes, don’t feel guilty about feeling relief. Because that’s exactly what it will be. For you. And for her.
If you ever need to talk, just email me for my number. You can reach me toll free in my office. And don’t forget that everyone here is standing behind you. You’ve got the support you need.
Blessed Be Kelli
Kelli, as others have said, you’re not a monster or a bad person. You just want the suffering to end for your mother (and the rest of you, too. It’s not wrong or selfish to want that for yourself).
You’ve already begun mourning in anticipation of your loss, and while it hurts like hell now, I think you’ve already come to some terms with it and have put the healing in with the hurt (if that makes any sense).
I feel so badly that you’re going through such a difficult time. I hope you can find strength from within and from those around you who care.
My thoughts are with you and your family, kellibelli.
Hi Kelli,
I know we don’t know each other however my heart goes out to you. I understand your pain. It is not easy watching a loved one die. When you love someone you don’t exactly enjoy seeing them suffer.
Kelli as hard as it right now don’t stay away from your Mom. You both need each other right now. When she is gone she won’t be back. Please don’t miss the chance to say goodbye.
I missed it with my Dad and it hurt. Even though I knew he was going to die, we didn’t get to share a final hug or tell each other “I love you”.
Now, I have no clue about your faith or the faith of your family. But is there a Pastor or Minister that can come visit your Mom. Sometimes some individuals hang on because there are scared, scared of what is after death. There may be questions that need to be answered.
I say these things not to offend but out of love and compassion.
Seek comfort in God
Pray together
IGL
rm1009
{{{{{Kelli}}}}}
My thoughts are with you and your family.
Kelli, I went through the same thing with my mom this summer. She discontinued her chemo because it was killing her faster than the cancer. I scheduled the trip home to say goodbye. Dad and hospice both called me to tell me to move the trip up another week and that she wouldn’t make it through the weekend.
I bought a new ticket, raced home and stayed for nine days. She hung on. And on. And on. We got to say goodbye and tell each other how much we loved each other, etc. but I spent so much of my time there just wishing she would die. I eventually had to leave, and she died six days after I returned to Phoenix.
Mom was a brilliant, funny, loving and wise woman who imparted on me just about all the strength and core philosophies I have. There I sat by her bedside wishing nothing more for her than death. I knew my motivation - that she could just stop suffering - but I also felt lower than whale dung. It seems wrong to wish death on someone you love.
But it’s not. Let me repeat. It’s not. Death is the only thing that will end her torment, and yours, and it’s coming is the only decent and realistic thing to wish for her. It’s not wrong; it’s noble.
While you will always remember your mom this way, you have so many more memories of the brilliant, vital person you described that they WILL far outnumber the bad ones. You’ll catch yourself laughing about something she said or did, and you’ll feel more of those memories taking hold, to the point that those wonderful memories of her life will be far more deeply anchored than the horrible memories of her dying. I promise.
You need to vent, rant, rage or just touch base, use my email. I can’t do anything for you other than listen and share my own experiences, but I’m mroe than willing to do that. Lastly, if you haven’t already, DO call hospice. They’re an instituion of miracles, and they do great things for the dying and the living both. You’ll never regret it.
Love,
I want to thank everyone for the kind words. I am alot better than I was the other night. Some days are really bad.
I keep telling myself what has been said here, that I am not a monster, but it will take a while I think.
Sorry for the pity party, but I had to unload to someone, and lately, you guys are it. My ‘RL’ relationships have dwindled, I tend to push people away, and my new school friends are great, but they dont always get me the way soem of you do.
Anyway, thanks. You are a truly decent bunch of people, I am proud to know you.
I felt really alone before, it seems like nobody ever went through this before. I wish that were true. SO many of you have lost loved ones, and yet you have compassion for me, it helped more than you can imagine. I feel like I will be ok someday.
Thanks again dear dopers, and feel free to let this thread slide away, I will keep a printout for when I am really low.
kisses,
Kelli