I thought long and hard about where to put this. GQ seemed like a good idea because, well, it’s a question and I think it may have a factual answer. MPSIMS seemed good as well, because the topic is really quite mundane and pointless. I settled on IMHO because I thought the most likely responses were going to be along the lines of “this works for me, but YMMV.” If a mod feels I’ve chosen poorly, shuffle me off to wherever you like and my feelings won’t be hard in the least.
My lady pal and I live together in a one bedroom apartment, and at night, sometimes flatulence becomes an issue. As is wont to occur in these sort of circumstances, things often escalate beyond all sensible boundaries. Neighbors pound on the wall. The dog leaves the room in a huff to sleep on the sofa. And of course, we try to trap each other’s heads under the quilt. Ah, young love.
Thing is, she’s not very competitive, while I have a streak of the sort a mile long. As such, I think I can catch her off guard one night and deliver a blow so crippling that I may finally achieve Ultimate Victory. In pursuit of this goal, I turn to you, the SDMB, to help me along my way.
I wish to enhance my ass blast to the point that no human being can stand before it without withering in terror. I feel that there are three aspects of the perfect poot that must be enhanced to their maximum potential to truly achieve the desired effect.
First, the decibels must be cranked high. What good is a charging army if they all tiptoe briskly across the field? Winning the battle requires striking fear into the heart of my opposition. As such, I must not tiptoe into the fray, but mass a thundering charge. Preferably, I would like for my windows to rattle from their frames, but I’ll settle for waking the neighbors.
Secondly, the gas must be voluminous. It’s no good if she can escape to some untouched portion of the room. There must be enough flatus to fill the entire space, floor to ceiling, wall to wall. My ultimate goal here is, if the windows weren’t fully rattled out by the sound waves, to blow them out with the massive increase in air pressure.
Finally, and absolutely most importantly, there is the odor. This must be utterly devastating. A singular whiff of this should fell any man, woman, or child. Plants should droop and die, animals should retch in terror, and – crucially – my wife-to-be must gaze at me through watering eyes and between choked breaths for mercy, mercy, oh god sweet mercy from this terrible trumpeting of the arse. I don’t want it to kill her, but I want her to consider death a preferable alternative.
So I turn to you, Dopers. How do I achieve these goals? What must I ingest? What forms of yoga must I master? As points of interest, I am not lactose intolerant, and I have access to a giant vat of protein powder (which I find marvelous for increasing the volume of the toxins). Hit me with your best advice.
