I wish I were a cell in your blood... (bad come ons)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Taken from the email below (a scam artist on an online dating site)

That is so bad it almost makes me want to use it in the future… What bad come-ons have you seen/heard?

(original email)
I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart…i came across of your profile and i couldn’t hold back emailing you…i know you will be a lot curious about our age difference but i should tell you that when love exist age doesn’t count… love is what counts i would like to know you more about you…you can get back to me on my personal email which is
<REDACTED>
Waiting to read back from you
Jenny…

2

*I’m not Fred Flintstone, but I can make your bed rock.

If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?

If I could rearrange the alphabet I’d put u and I together.

That shirt is very becoming on you. If I was on you I’d be coming as well.

I lost my number, can I have yours?*

Really direct:

*I believe the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies.

Nice shoes, want to fuck?
*

I’m a nice and sensitive guy by all accounts, really, but I love the outrageousness of these.

3

Prince Charles wishing he could be Camilla’s tampon was a famously EEEWWW one.

4

HE: “You must still be exhausted.”

SHE: “Huh?”

HE: “From running through my dreams all last night!”

5

Dammit, now “Camilla’s tampon” is on my college computer account history.

6

The Obligatory XKCD

7

Is your father a thief?

No, why.

I think I might have raped him in prison.

8

Um…for those of us who have never gone to a party, club, nor bar, and so have no working knowledge of common pickup lines, could you explain what this is a play on? (Presuming that it is.)

9

Sorry.
Corny, played-out version:

Is your father a thief? Because he must have stolen the stars from heaven to put them in your eyes

10

I couldn’t help but notice, you don’t sweat much for a fat chick

Do you wash your clothes with windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.

11

You’re in luck - I’ve decided to go ugly early.

12

I’ve had no luck with, “What the fuck are you looking at!”

13

I thought of this thread over the new Coke commercial wherein a guy does a bad interpretation of a cell phone ring, pulls out a Coke, gives it to a girl and says “It’s for you.”

14

That’s funny. I haven’t seen that yet.

The young lady’s account has already been pulled, so I guess I we won’t be fulfilling my dreams together.

15

Way back when I was young and single, I’d often say to a pretty chick, “Wow, you’ve really got perspicacity.” That always seemed to please them, probably because they didn’t know what it meant, and were afraid to ask.

16

You wanna fuck?

It worked surprisingly often late at night in college.

17

So far, this site seems promising: http://www.linesthataregood.com/

S^G

18

My best one yet:

“Girl, you have me feeling a a bashful school kid, which is an enormous compliment.”

Used it once, because it was honest.

19

Excuse me, you’re standing on my penis…

(courtesy of Reaper)

20

Reminds me of the joke (or was it?)

A guy, talking to his friend, tells him every time he sees some babe he likes, he goes right up and asks her if she wants to fuck.

His friend say, “You must get a lot of black eyes.”

Other guy replies, “Yes I do, but I also get a lot of fucking.”