He’s met someone new and is covering his previous relationship.
Uh, he’s just not that into her. She fucked him early and wants a relationship right? Don’t give it away fast if you’re not dating, man. He wanted a good fuck and got it. She wanted a relationship and didn’t go on dates and instead when on fuck-buddy outings. All the friends are just making excuses. The bottom line is he’s just not that into her.
He’s just not that into he (and probably not for any particular reason), doesn’t want any kind of romance, and is trying to tell her that without insulting her. Let go and move on.
I agree that the majority of guys don’t act like this as some sort of ‘test’. If he wanted to fuck her, he would. If he wanted to be her boyfriend, it would have already happened.
I’m sorry my OP gives the impression of a first fuck and then run. They actually had sex a couple of times, and he spent a week after the last encounter cuddling up with her and telling her how he enjoyed himself. Then, all of the sudden, with no warning, things changed.
I think it’s shitty form to behave as though you enjoy someone’s company and then flip it around with no explanation. He’s under no obligation to run off in the sunset with her, but at least treating her like she’s a person with feelings and giving her the courtesy of an honest talk would have been nice. Now she’s left wondering what’s wrong with her, and what she did. The reality is she probably didn’t do anything, he just didn’t want an ongoing thing. I think it’s dishonorable to jump into bed with someone without clarifying expectations. ALl I ask from anyone is a simple acknowledgement that there’s someone else with thoughts and feelings in the equation.
I mean, I’m not calling the dogs on him or running to his house with a baseball bat, but I’m a little indigent that an awesome person in my life has been hurt. That’s all. I started this thread to see if I was off-base in my assumption that he only wanted to fuck and move on.
Wow. The predominate female reaction is that there’s something wrong with him if he doesn’t want to sleep with her? That he’s therefore stupid, or deficient?
Isn’t that exactly the behaviour that many women decry in certain types of men?
He did, according to the OP:
Nothing. He likes her, but things are cooling off a bit.
As do I. So why didn’t your friend do this?
Acting like you enjoy someone’s company, and telling them you do, doesn’t mean you want anything more than to have sex with them a couple times. It would have been nicer of him if he had come right out when he first started distancing himself with “I do like you, but things are cooling off a bit” (all the answer she needs, and all the explanation he needs to give - he likes her as a person, but he’s clearly not interested in developing the relationship any further). But in reality, this almost never happens. People have a hard time rejecting other people directly, and usually will show you with actions rather than words that it’s over.
If she didn’t clarify her expectations (which apparently was a romance leading from these hook-ups) then she’s just as guilty as he is. I think it’s pretty naive to go from crushing on a friend in your group, right to sex, and assume anything is going to come of it… in my group of friends, 90% of the time this kind of thing doesn’t lead to anything but a few fucks. But usually there is one person who has more serious feelings before or after, and they get hurt.
Situations like this are a good example of why some people should take it slowly sexually and communicate more with people they are interested in. There are a lot of people who aren’t well-suited for casual sex (which is what this was). I’m sorry she’s been hurt, but I don’t think there is anything wrong at all with this guy liking a female friend who likes him back, getting sexual with her and having a fun couple weeks, then deciding that’s all he wants from her and moving on with his life and into other relationships. He has zero obligation to her just because she likes him and they had sex, and is perfectly justified in his behavior - unless she came right out from the beginning and said ‘I like you a lot and I can see this turning into a serious relationship’ and he told her he felt the same way. If that’s what happened, he’s a douche.
It’s hard to say how much of that reaction would remain intact if it wasn’t this particular guy who did this. In other words, I’m not sure how much of this is their honest opinion of him based on other things they know about him and how much of it is just them trying to make her feel better by being as negative about him as possible. He really is in his early 30’s, and as far as his close friends can tell, has never had a long term GF. It’s hard to tell though because he’s notoriously secretive about his love life. That’s why it was such a shock when he so openly and enthusiastically showed interest in her. No one had really seen him do that before.
I don’t really understand what that means though, and neither does she. He likes her, but things are cooling off. What’s cooling off? The feelings? His general situation in life? I mean, I told her that it really didn’t matter. She has her answer and now she needs to move on, and indeed, it seems that she is. I understand and relate to her frustration though, because I sort of consider that a non-answer.
Agreed. This is definitely a lesson to her in how to be more careful with your own heart and others’.
Directed towards the OP - Are you male or female?
If you’re a male, you need to know that if you’re expecting most other men to have a long intimate conversation about why and how the relationship waned, you’re in scant company. Most men seem to be the “it was what it was, now it’s over, so we don’t have anything else to talk about, so why talk?” type people.
If you’re female, then perhaps this is news to you - men don’t generally go in for talking about their relationships, past, present, or future - they’re more into DOING, if you know what I mean.
Case in point - a girl would **say **“I think things are cooling down, how can we fix this?” while the boy **thinks **“Well, things cooled down, so I guess it’s not working - on to the next!”
Actions speak louder and all that jazz.
(Requisite note 1 - not all men are like this, just many.)
(Requisite note 2 - I’m not knocking men or women, just stating that there are different relationship styles at work for most men and most women.)
His loins. His passions. His wanting to fuck her and cuddle with her recreationally. That’s all there ever was, right? I mean, in reality, not in her fantasies.
What is so hard to understand? Yes, it’s his feelings that are cooling off! The infatuation phase is over. In means there is nothing really wrong with her, but he’s just figured out that she’s not what he’s looking for in the long run.
Well then, in my mind, he doesn’t really like her. End of story. Easy enough. It was the inclusion of the “I like you but…” that was hanging me (and her) up I guess.
Lasciel, I’m female. And you’re probably right.
I’m just having a hard time getting behind the notion that it’s ok to just flip your behavior from one extreme to the other without any explanation or acknowledgement that such behavior would be hurtful. I guess this is why it’s useful in life to cultivate a very thick skin.
I like lots of people I don’t want to fuck, personally. You’re probably one of them. 
Take yourself back to sixth grade: he likes her, he doesn’t like her like her.
I’m sure he likes her in general, as a person in his social group who’s around. But he doesn’t like her, like her, yes, that’s what I meant.
There’s also plenty of people I like that I don’t want to fuck. I’ve never fucked those people. I suppose it’s possible he thought he liked her and it turns out he doesn’t, but I think he’s also going to have to understand that that was hurtful to her. She needs to be more careful from now on. She’s fresh out of a long term relationship and this whole episode was probably ill-thought out from the very beginning.
He already knows that from her point of view it was hurtful. That’s why he’s being so chilly towards her in group situations when he can’t avoid her.
Yeah, that’s just a way of trying to let her down gently, i.e. there’s nothing wrong with her, he’s just not feeling the spark.
I think this sort of hurtful situation arises when people come at things with different expectations. She obviously liked him from the start, and interpreted his physical affections as evidence that he liked her too. This is a common mistake younger women make, not realizing that you can’t create love out of sex if it’s not there to begin with.
So she thought of him as a potential love interest, he thought of her as a friend who he’d occasional get drunk and fool around with. He picked up on her interest in having something more and tried to let her down gently. It sucks for her, to be sure, but at least he didn’t string her along as a friend with benefits at the expense of her feelings, so you’ve got to give him points for that, IMO.
Is he a secret crimefighter who has to maintain his distance for fear of losing his secret identity? I know that has almost happened to me a few times. I’m not ‘technically’ a crime fighter but I do go around the town wearing a cape and latex underwear and watching people get beaten up in alleyways.
You know, you may just have solved the whole thing! It’s not her! It’s his other him!
I think it’s adorable that everyone is still keeping up this whole third person discussion thing. And who said Dopers aren’t nice?
Anywho, there is nothing dishonorable about deciding you don’t want to date/fuck/cuddle with someone, especially after a very short period (that’s what those testing periods are for, after all). Hell, it WOULD be dishonorable if he laid the pipe, knew he didn’t like you, but kept acting like he did for months and months, all so he could continuing hitting it. Stop over thinking it: he just doesn’t like you and he’s entitled to feel that way. The longer you spend obsessing over every word and every action, the quicker you will devolve into CRAZY GIRL. It’s very easy to become Crazy Girl. I know, I’ve done it once or twice-- but just don’t. Trust me.