If you teach a Doper...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Had this idea while I was bored at work:

Everyone knows how to do something. Something special, something interesting. And now’s your chance to show off. Reply with a post detailing how to do something. It could be as simple as cooking a fritatta or as complicated as replacing the water pump on a 1978 Cutlass. Just make sure that when someone’s done reading your post, they could do whatever it is you tried to teach.

Obviously, don’t explain anything that would violate board policy, but otherwise range as far and wide as you want.

2

How to make an awesome homemade salt scrub:

Put 1/2 cup of sea salt in a glass bowl or wide mouthed jar. Add 15 drops of peppermint essential oil (available at crunchy stores, health food stores or the baking aisle of a supermarket) and almond oil to cover. (Use olive oil if it’s all you have or if you’re allergic to nuts.) Mix well. To use, rub it gently on your skin and then rinse off. It’s a great exfoliant and deep moisturizing experience. You can use it all over, but it’s especially amazing rubbed into your feet in the shower. Just beware! The oil will make your tub slippery.

You can substitute different essential oils if you like. Here’s some ideas:

Relaxing: lavender
Sore muscles: rosemary
Chest congestion: 7 drops each of eucalyptus and grapefruit
Romantic: rose, of course. Or ylang ylang or passionflower.
Manly: sandlewood
My favorite yummy blend: 5 drops each of lavender, tangerine and ylang ylang. Smells vaguely like Bubblicious.

Also makes a great cheap gift!

3

How to score your very own god or goddess!

Everyone knows that the best way into that special someone’s heart is through their stomach. What better way to show someone you are interested than by baking them a delicious dessert that is both quick and easy.

If you are anything like me, you have boxes and boxes of unused cake mix lying around for those emergency birthdays and special occasions that always seem to pop up. Most of the year those boxes sit on the shelf collecting dust and taking up space, but no longer will they idle lazily in your pantry! With this handy Cake-Mix Cookie recipe you can woo even the pickiest of guests.

First, preheat your oven to a balmy 350 F. Second, set aside two ungreased cookie sheets. If you choose, it is more than okay to cover them with foil. Some Dopers in the room will notice that this step is not really necessary but some people prefer the easy cleanup and I have not noticed any ill effects of adding foil. Next, you will mix together 2 cups of cake mix, 1/4 cup of oil, one egg and 1/4 cup of your favorite cookie topping. After the mixture becomes doughy, use a teaspoon to place spoonfuls of dough onto the cookie sheet. Remember to leave 1"-2" between each spoonful so that the cookies have room to expand. Then, place the cookies into your preheated oven for about 8-12 minutes. Watch your cookies and remove them when they are golden and appear firm. It is not necessary to wait for them to turn golden brown on top but you will know that they are ready when they are simply a golden yellow. The finished cookies will resemble the finished tops of cupcakes. Once they have finished cooking, you will remove the cookies from the oven and cool them on either a separate tray, or a cooling rack. Immediately upon removal from the often the cookies will be very soft but do not be alarmed. Just give it 30-60 seconds on the cookie sheet to solidify enough for you to pull them off. Finally, grab a cup of milk and enjoy!

The beauty of this recipe is its versatility. You can use chocolate chips, raisins, pecans, M&Ms, candy bar chunks or all of the above. Almost anything your heart desires can be added to the batter to enhance your creation. Varying styles of cake mix also add to the fun. Halloween party coming up? Use the rest of that pumpkin cake mix and throw in some walnuts for variety. 4th of July just around the corner? That box of confetti cake mix will sure make an impression at your local cookout. But remember the most important part. Nothing says I love you like red velvet cake mix cookies with red and white chocolate chips. Enjoy!

4

Ahem.

:wink:
How to whistle:

You just put your lips together and blow.

5

Well, now that we have learnt to whistle, and since it is springtime, we can also learn how to make an flute form willow or mountain ash (the willow we have is Salix caprea and the mountain ash is Sorbus aucuparia, but you can probably find similar tree species other places):

You need a knife and a forrest.

Cut a fresh twig which is fairly straight and without branches and buds. It should be 2-3 cm thick and 7-10 cm long. Cut one end straight, and the other across (like end of a flute, you know). Then 2 cm from the fluteend end, cut a notch (also across) in the bark. This will be the hole from which you make your wonderful flute sounds. Then, 2 cm from the other end, cut all around the bark. This part is where you now must hold on to. Now the trick is to start knocking on the bark with the handle of you knife on the bark (with the notch), so that it loosenes and you can carefully pull (twist) it of. You should now have only that 2 cm bark in your grip left. Now, from the notch that you made in the other end, cut away a little chip toward the end (the end your supposed to blow in ). This makes a passage to the notch (you hole which the sound will emerge from) when you put the bark back on. So now, put the piece of bark you removed back on, and try yo make a sound. If you cant get a sound at first, cut more off from the notch to the end.

Puh, its much easier to just whistle…

6

How to perform an autopsy:

First, put your hands in your pockets and walk around the dead body, noticing everything germane about it. Now get the camera and photograph all said details, square on, with an identifying number in each photo. Get a clipboard and make notes of the details on a diagram.

Have your assistants help you to undress and measure the person. Collect all trace evidence needed. If you think there could be a sex crime involved, do a PERK. Have the body x-rayed if there have been gunshot wounds.

Have your assistants help you put the body up on the block. Can draw blood now if you want to. Get a scalpel handle and put on a fresh blade. Make a Y-shaped incision from the shoulders down to the breastbone and from there to the pubic rim.

Use the damn belly of the blade and not the tip, okay? Sheesh. These kids today.
Whaaat?

7

I got so excited when I saw your name in this thread… :smiley:

8

Hijack: There hasn’t been a damn thread on squishy postmortem stuff for me to contribute to in nine days.
Feh.

9

I was actually going to explain how to replace the water pump on an 1979 Cutlass Supreme but since you already know how…

10

  1. Open the case on a level and stable surface. Make sure it is right side up, or else clarinet parts will fall out into the inverted lid portion and make you do this :smack: .

  2. Locate cork grease, Chap Stick®, or similar semisolid lubricant. Apply moderate amount to corks of all tenons (those things that stick out from the ends of the joints and mouthpiece).

  3. Locate lower joint (big piece with 4 key leaves that look alike near the tenon end; invariably at lower position in case) and bell (small piece flared like a bell). Using gentle pressure, push bell onto tenon end of lower joint.
    If you’re not sure what a tenon is, reread item 2 carefully.

  4. Locate upper joint (only big piece left). Notice key bridge (small metal tab on bottom tenon end). Visually line up with similar bridge on top of lower joint. Making sure upper key bridge neatly overlaps lower key bridge, gently push upper and lower joints together.
    If the key bridges are misaligned, clarinet will not play and bridges may be damaged!

  5. Rest clarinet in your lap, ideally upright. Locate barrel (small piece shaped like a barrel). Push larger end of barrel onto top tenon end of upper joint.

  6. Locate mouthpiece (should be only remaining piece of clarinet). If it has a reed, ligature, or cap on it, remove these items and lay them aside.
    The reed is fargile! Be careful not to scrape, bend or damage the thin end!

  7. Push mouthpiece onto small end of barrel. Ensure that table (flat portion under window opening) of mouthpiece lines up with register key of clarinet (nearest key visible on underside of upper joint).

  8. Gently drop ligature (small collar with screws) over mouthpiece. Loosen screws of ligature until it drops below bottom edge of window opening.

  9. Slide reed, thick end first, under ligature and onto mouthpiece table. Align thin edge visually with tip of mouthpiece, and thicker end with sides of table. Hold in place with thumb. Tighten ligature screws only enough to hold the reed securely.

  10. Cover mouthpiece with cap, noting that wide slot in cap fits over ligature screws.
    Take care not to scrape or chip edge of reed!

  11. Gently place fully assembled clarinet lengthwise across open case.
    Congratulations! You now have a fully assembled clarinet. :slight_smile:

Later this week: how to put a bass clarinet together; how to tie a bowtie or shoelace; and how to cure the world of all known diseases. Bye now!

11

How to make a great natural “soft scrub”:

Determine what mineral to use: Baking Soda is a great abrasive and deorderizes, borax will disinfect, salt is antibacteria, washing soda is a great grease/wax/oil cutter, pumice is a polisher, and chalk is nonabrasive. Put any or several into a shallow dish.

Add enough liquid soap to make a paste.

Apply with a sponge, wait a half hour, and rinse.

12

Take three eggs. Crack them into a bowl.
Take about a 2 inch wide sliver of bell pepper. Color of your choice. Chop it up finely into little itty bits.
Get some ham, or meat of your choice. Chop into little itty bits.
Add ham and pepper to omelette.
Season with a little salt and pepper. Add a teaspoon of cumin powder. If fluffy omelette is desired, add two spoons of milk. Beat.

Dice half an onion.
In a non-stick pan, heat up a tablespoon of butter. Put in the onion bits. Brown the onions.

When the butter is melted and the onions cooked, add the egg-mix. Cook for a few minutes, watching. When the bottom begins to solidify, gently tuck the spatula under the edges, freeing the omelette from the bottom. Lift the pan and swirl the liquid around, making it hit the sides. Cook until the bottom is somewhat solid and the top is wet but holding together.
While it is cooking, shred the type of cheese you like best. Cheddar, Monterey, and Swiss all work well for this.

Carefully edge the spatula underneath and flip the omelette. Cook the other side until golden brown.
Flip the omelette once more. Turn off the heat.
Fill the open side with cheese. Fold the omelette in half so all your cheese is tucked inside. Cook it on the cooling pan for a few seconds, turning it over so it doesn’t burn. Remove from pan.

Serve with Cholula Hot Sauce or your preferred condiment. Enjoy.

Note: Onions can be skipped. Mushrooms can be added but you will need one more egg. Also, if after all this your omelette doesn’t keep it’s shape, follow these instructions. After placing cheese in it and folding it, place cheese on it again and fold it once more so it’s triangular shape. Slap between two pieces of your choice of bread and enjoy.

13

How to make cheese hot dogs.

Take a small frying pan out of the cabinet, and put 1/2 T of butter in it. Put it on the stove on LOW. Melt the butter.

Take three Ballpark franks, and split them lengthwise - almost to through the bottom but not all the way - you want to have a hot dog “pocket” kinda thing going on. You don’t want to cut it in half and you don’t want to cut through the ends.

Take three slices of American Cheese out of the cellophane and take each one and fold it into sixths or sevenths or however thinly you can fold them - in strips. Take the strips - one slice of cheese per hot dog - and stuff them in the “pocket”.

Take six toothpicks and stab each hot dog twice - one on each end - the toothpick is to hold it together so when the cheese gets melty the hot dog won’t split open and make a big mess.

Put the hot dogs in the pan and put the lid on. Putting the lid on is important, otherwise they will get too done on the bottom and the cheese won’t be melty.

Cook for, oh, 10 minutes or until the cheese is nice and gooey. Take them out of the pan, putting two on one plate and one on another plate. Take out all toothpicks.

Cut the very end pieces off of the two hot dogs on the plate and put them on the plate with the one hot dog. Cut the one hot dog into really small pieces and give it to the dog. Eat the other two yourself.

It isn’t gourmet, but it’s good, and will make the dog love you. :smiley:

14

How to build a cheap portable coffee can Mini-Quoits set.
**Materials: **
108" of 2"x4" is needed and 15"x30" piece of plywood Preferably ¼" and no more than ½" thick.
2 Clean Coffee Cans with lids, Preferably the new style that does not require a can opener, otherwise ensure no sharped edges exit.
16 3" Wood Screws to create a strong square frame of 2"x4"
24 3/4" wood screws to hold the plywood on the frame.
2 Bolts long enough to go through the plywood and the coffee can. Carriage Bolts are the best but any bolts you have lying around could work.
2 lock washers and 2 nuts for the bolts.
At least 4 large identical washers, I find washers with a 1¾" Out diamter, 3/32" thickness and 11/16" Inner diameter work great.

Cut 4 15" pieces of 2"x4" & Cut 4 12" pieces of 2"x4"
Cut a pair of 15"x15" squares of Plywood.
Shape the 2"x4" into squares, 2 15" pieces and 2 12" pieces to connect. (It is not a perfect square, adjust the 12" piece to 12.25" if you desire)



12”	         15” pieces
 _	             __________
|_| 15”   	   []__________[]

The Box you have formed will be almost 4" deep with almost 2" thick walls.
**Pilot Drilling should be done with a small bit, less then ¾ the size of the wood screws. **
On the 15” pieces use a 12” piece to draw a rectangle at each end. And drill 2 pilot holes in each rectangle. Drill them deep enough to drill in the 12" pieces ends. Then drill pilot holes in the ends of the 12" piece with the short holes as guides.
Use the 3" wood screws to create to 2 square frames now. Should be 2 per corner and 8 per box.
Lay the 15"x15" plywood board on the frame and drill 9 pilot holes. Each side should have a hole around 2.5" from the corner and 1" in from the edge so it goes into the center of the 2"x4" frame. Again 1" in from the edge drill the a pilot hole in the center of the corner holes.
Use the 3/4" wood screws to secure the plywood to the frame. This is the bottom of your Quoits Box.
Use a drill bit the same diameter as your bolt. Find the center of the plywood, I recommend just cutting to straight lines Diagonally from Corner to corner forming and X where you need to drill.
Drill the hole and drill the center of the bottom of the can. Run the Bolt through from the bottom of the box and the bottom of the coffee can and fasten securely with the lock washer and nut.
You have completed your quoits box.
Paint your washers different color pairs. (Example: 2 reds, 2 blues and 2 greens)

Base Rules for using: set the boxes so the centers of the cans are 21’ apart.
Alternate Throwing while standing behind the box to the opposite box.
Whoever scored last, throws last.
Scoring: In the can is worth 3 points, in the box or on the box is worth 2 points and within a coffee can lid of the box is worth 1 point.
Whoever is closest to the can takes the points and the other player gets none.
Example: Both players get their washers (mini-quoits) in the box. The Blue player is within 2" of the can and the Red player is within 1½" of the can. Red gets 2 points.
You can score with both washers if the other players closest washer is further away. So red puts one in the can and one about 2" from the outside edge of the box. Blues are both over 2" from the Box, red gets 4 points.
If both players put the washers in the can, the last player to do so, not only gets the 3 points but the opponents 3 points. So if all 4 quoits go in the can, the last person to throw would actually get 12 points. If Red put 2 in and Blue threw last and got his in the can, Blue would get 9 points. This is only true of quoits in the can, not in the box.

Winning: either 11 or 21 With 7-0 being a shutout in the 11 game and 11-0 being a shutout in the 21 game. Must win by at least 2 points.

Jim

15

AH! So THAT’S what that crap is. I’ve been cleaning a set of musical instruments at the museum in which I work, and I wondered what that gunk between the pieces was. (Mineral spirits cuts it nicely.)

16

How to paint over varnished wood cabinets:

(1) Remove cabinet doors and all hardware (door/drawer handles, pulls, hinges, etc.). Consider whether you want to replace hardware with new; if not, clean hardware well and put aside.

(2) Empty cabinets completely. Clean thoroughly inside, and remove any old contact paper.

(3) Using #50 or coarser sandpaper, sand off as much of the varnish as possible. It’s a very good idea to have a dust mask, as the sanded-off varnish dust will coat the inside of your nostrils otherwise, which is nasty and probably not good for you. You will find that the varnish gums up your sandpaper often, rendering it ineffective. Have a generous supply of sandpaper at hand. If you value the skin on your hands at all, wear gloves while sanding.

(4) After you’ve finished with the #50 sandpaper, repeat the process with #100 sandpaper. If the wood has scratches, gouges, etc., that need repair, fill them (in between sandings) with wood putty and allow the putty to dry - about 15-20 minutes for shallow fills, longer for deeper repairs. When you’ve finished sanding with the #100 sandpaper, all repairs should be smooth to the touch, so that they will not be noticeable when painted over. Also, your wood surface should be nice & smooth as well. It isn’t necessary to sand all the way down to bare wood, but at least remove enough varnish that the surface is matte and smooth. Wipe surfaces clean after sanding.

(5) Paint the surfaces with an oil-based primer. Since this stuff is really difficult to remove from brushes, I recommend using cheapfoam brushes, and throwing them away after each use. Allow the primer to dry, at least an hour or more, depending on manufacturer’s recommendation.

(6) Using #150 sandpaper, sand the primered surfaces lightly until smooth. Wipe surfaces clean after sanding. Next, apply a thin coat of acrylic-enamel paint (you may get smoother results if you add paint conditioner to the paint). Use the best brushes you can for this, and try to minimize the appearance of brush strokes. Allow to dry at least 6 hours - overnight, if possible.

(7) Repeat step 6 as desired - I recommend 4 coats of paint total, especially if you have thinned the paint with conditioner and/or for lighter colors.

(8) After final coat of paint has dried, reinstall hardware and rehang doors. You may wish to apply foam or felt spacers between door/drawer surfaces and cabinet surfaces, as the painted surfaces may stick together until the paint is fully cured.

(9) Enjoy the new look of your cabinets!

17

(I don’t remember where I got this.)

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

If you have ever tried to give a cat a pill you know how difficult it is. The following instructions are fool proof!

  1. Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

  2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from under chair. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

  3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

  4. Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

  5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

  6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Holding front and rear paws, ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

  7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy a new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set aside for gluing later.

  8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from beneath spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down straw.

  9. Check label to make sure that pill is not harmful to humans. Drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply bandaid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

  10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with spoon, flick pill down throat with elastic band.

  11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for last tetanus shot. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

  12. Call the fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

  13. Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from garage. Force cat’s mouth open with small trowel. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

  14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture store on the way home to order a new table.

  15. Arrange for vet to make housecall.

18

A question–does the body have to be dead?

19

Okay, for real.

  1. Sit down at a piano. Your typical keyboard will look something like this.

  2. Now, notice the pattern marked on the keyboard here? You’ve got your three white keys–called C, D, and E–with two black keys, and four white keys–called F, G, A, B–with three black keys, and then three white keys again. It keeps repeating like that all the way up the keyboard.

  3. Okay. Find middle C. It’s the C that’s right under the piano maker’s name, like so.

  4. Now go up from that middle C to the G next to it. It’s marked here.

  5. Put your right-hand index finger on the G, and your left-hand index finger on the F next to it, and press down at the same time. Do this four times in a row.

  6. Now put your left-hand index finger on the E next to the F, and press down on the G and the E together four times.

  7. Put your right-hand index finger on the B–it’s two keys up from G–and your left on the D–it’s one above middle C–and press down on them together four times.

  8. This part’s a bit tricky: put your right-hand finger on the A (one below the B) and your left-hand finger on the E (one up from the D) and press down once.

  9. Put your right-hand finger back on B and your left-hand finger back on D, and press down once.

  10. Finally, put your right-hand finger on the high C (one key above the B), and your left-hand finger on middle C, and press down once. Keep the keys pressed down for a long while (this is called ‘holding the note’). Then press them down again, twice.

  11. Press the two C keys down once, then press the B and D keys down again once, then the A and E keys down once. You’ll find your fingers have ended up back on G and F, where they started.

  12. Repeat steps 5 through 11.
    Congratulations–you’ve just learned to play ‘Chopsticks’. :wink:

20

Get yourself a some Marzipan. It comes in a sort of roll, you can get it at most grocery stores. Get a set of those little bottles of food coloring too, and some toothpicks, and waxed paper.

Make a trough of waxed paper, and put a line of red food coloring along the bottom. Lay the marzipan on the line and let it sit for a short while and absorb all of the food coloring. (Later when you are a whiz kid, you can do mixed colors by repeating this step with other colors from the other side, but let’s keep it simple this time.)

Cover your work surface with waxed paper.

Now, put a round glob of marzipan about a quarter inch in diameter on the end of a toothpick. Put the toothpick into something you can pierce. (an upside down empty egg carton is great.) Slice the roll of marzipan, one slice at a time. Take a slice, put it down on the waxed paper, and press it out toward the color soaked edge, making that edge thinner, but not the back end.

Start with a first “petal” formed into a closed cone, like a bud. And gently form it over the glob on the toothpick. Now do another one, still trying for closed cone, but with the center of the petal not quite exactly on the opposite side from the last. It will probably flare open a bit, as you try. Great! If it doesn’t, cheat a bit, and flare it. Now do that over and over, making each petal flare more, and keeping the bases not quite exactly opposite. Spiral is ok, but kind of artificial looking. Five or six is plenty of petals.

Now, before picking up the next petal, dye it green, and cut it to a point at the outer edge. Put two of those on exactly opposite each other. (They should be smaller.)

Poke It back into your egg carton, and keep on making more.

Hints: Keep the marzipan wrapped while working. Don’t make up too many petals at a time. The stuff gets brittle.

Make more than you need, and then choose the three or four best.

You just made marzipan roses to decorate your cake! They will keep for days in a cake plate, with a cover.