if you want the kids so badly, try paying attention to them, bitch!

been lurking here a long time, finally have something to say

i just found out some bad news. :frowning:

since january i have ben living with my boyfriend (B). he is a very sweet loving caring person who helped me get out of a bad situation with an emotionally abusive ex. he has two children, who also live with us. they’re adorable. we’re not doing very well financially, but we’re trying. his family lives nearby and is very supportive; they help with the kids when we’re both working, and help with the bills.
we recently found out that we’re having a baby. this might not be the best time for it, but we’re happy and want to get married.

one little problem: B’s still technically married to his ex (W).

W is trash and i hate her. she abandoned B to have his best friend’s baby about a year before i met him. she took the kids and dumped them off at her parents. B had no idea where they were for 6 weeks.

as far as i know, B (or his parents, who, like i said, are angels) has had them continuously since he got them back from that incident. i do know that in the time they’ve lived with us, W has seen them less than once a month. she does things like call to say she wants them for a week, and then never calls back and never answers her phone. or she’ll take them “for a week” and bring them back after two days. when she is watching them (and doesn’t dump them off with relatives), she treats her daughter (D) like a princess while virtually ignoring her son (S). D comes back from her mother’s expecting to get everything she wants when she wants it, or she throws a fit. W also puts both kids in diapers too small (the ones she has lying around for her other son, who is much younger), and lets them get rashes. she also apparently does not keep up with their potty training (they are in desperate need of potty training, and everytime they come back from her house, they have regressed in it). furthermore, in the entire time they’ve lived with us, W has not contibuted one cent to raising these children. in fact, the often do not come home with the cups or clothes that they left with. she’s a terrible, terrible mother.

last night W told us that the reason she will not sign the divorce papers and thus save us almost half the cost of filing (which we cannot afford and she is not willing to contribute to) is because she doesn’t like the custody arrangement. she wants the kids six months out of the year.

wtf? a woman who can’t keep her own kids for a whole week wants them six months out of the year? and doesn’t she know how awful that would be for the kids, having the change homes every six months? what about when D starts pre-school next year?

she claims that if B tries to fight her on it, she will go to court and request full custody. she also claims that she’ll drag this out so that we cannot get married before i have the baby. her family is willing to pay for a lawyer for her, because they want the kids. if W did have custody, the kids would probably live with her mother, a woman who told cps that B was molesting the kids just to spite him. unfortunately, B has some problems in his past (drugs and mental problems), and even though i know he’s a perfect parent, we can’t afford a lawyer so she could actually win.

we’ve been trying to get this woman to a) sign the damn papers; and b) take an interest in her children’s lives for months. this is the conclusion she comes to. bitch.

  1. Keep daily notes of everything (childrens’ routine, activties & development; frequency, duration & details of access visits; etc.). You’ll need this as evidence.

  2. Delay, delay, delay. The longer the children are with you, the lesser the chance that they will be taken from you.

Muffin’s advice is very sound.

Keep track of your conversations with her, and ask her to put stuff into writing if you can. Have witnesses around when she comes. Never say anything ot her you wouldn’t want repeated and held against you in court. Be nice. Even if she’s not. It will play in your favour in the end.

I’m sorry to hear you, your boyfriend, and the children are going through things like this. It makes for a very difficult environment to live in - for all of you.

Hang in there.

E.

Have your boyfriend look into this website.

The above site and others that are linked to from it were a great help to my youngest brother during his recent divorce and the ensuing custody battle. Yeah, we bought a book and a few of the other things offered. The ex in your case has got absolutely nothin’ on the ex in mine. “W” sounds like Mary Poppins compared to her. Really.

I will not discuss with anyone the fact that some of the advice dispensed on that website is going be offensive to some people. Some of it offended me. “Deadbeat moms” do exist.

If possible, record all conversations with her and her folks. They may be admissable to dispute claims they may make. And get a lawyer, now.

I saw get the lawyer, because this is an obvious ploy on her part. It’s her only bargaining chip to large alimony and she’s prepared to use it. She doesn’t want the kids.

Try reverse psychology, offer her full custody. Better yet, insist on it, and watch her backpedal.

Now for some advice you can use:

RUN!! RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!
Jesus, get out of that Springer situation, give the baby up and try to find a man with a lot less damage.
Sorry I am not more sympathetic, but I always take first post-here-is-my-sordid-life-story stuff with a big ole salt lick.

we’re going to try to get a lawyer, but i have no idea how we’re going to pay for it. she has an uncle with money, we have B’s parents who risk not getting their bills paid everytime they help us out.

thank you for your advice. i do have a question. would we get in trouble for say, turning on the answering machine while B and W are talking, to record the convo without her knowing?

First of all, it’s not illegal to record a conversation when one party is doing it. IANAL, however, so check for the laws in your state.

Second, check the website spooje gave and also check with the local social-services agency for abused women. They can generally put you in touch with an attorney who will at least look out for your interests.

Finally, even if you decide not to give the baby up, please take kellibelli’s advice and think long and hard if this man’s baggage is what you want for your own life. Even if your boyfriend is Mr. Perfect, the fact that he’s got kids with his ex means she’s always going to be there. And if she gets a wild hair up her ass, she can make life miserable for you and your baby, as well.

Robin

first of all, there is no option as to whether i am giving this baby up. it’s mine, i want it. i don’t believe in abortion. secondly, B and his kids are my family. i love them, and i’m not going to abandon them just because his ex is a bitch. i’m pretty much the only mother these kids know; W is not even close to one. she’s like an aunt that they visit occasionally. the very idea that i would just abandon them is repugnant.

also, why would i look for an agency for abused women? there are no abused women in this scenario?

Check the laws in your state, but in most states, it’s
extremely hard for one parent to get full custody,
especially managerial custody.

If she doesn’t have a lawyer, quick and effective work by
an attorney working for you can probably get you the
optimal situation.

Call up your local law school. They have law students who are dying for experience working on real cases, who will help you for free. Ask if they have a “Family Law Clinic”. The students are supervised by attorneys, and generally do good work.

Good luck!

Why do you assume that this would be hard on the kids? When my parents got divorced, I was 13-14 at the time, they told me that I could make the choice of who to live with. That was the worst moment in my life.

The solution was to live with them on an alternating basis. I spent one month with my mother and then the next month with my father. It wasn’t hard on me, in fact I was pleased with the situation.

these kids are two and three years old. their mother pretty much uprooted their lives a year and a half ago. since then we have tried to give them some kind of stability, but they are constantly afraid that daddy will go to work one day and not come back. they need a solid home, not to be shuttled back and forth every six months. also, W claims to have plans to move half way across the country. this would mean the kids would have to attend two seperate schools depending on which parent they are living with. not to mention the fact that it is doubtful the kids would even live with her when she has custody. she has a record of dumping them off with the closest relative. this would mean two children who would never know a stable home. they would simply be shuttled from one home to another for the rest of their young lives.

how could that possibly be good for them?

whoever suggested the law school, that’s a great idea. i think there is actually a fairly good one nearby, and we’ll check into it. thank you!