Skip ahead if you like. Otherwise…
Dear ex-roomate-
I know there’s been a lot between you and me and my girlfriend; we certainly haven’t been the best people to you, and it’d be a stretch to call you blameless in our little tifts.
We’d like to apologize for the offense we caused you in supporting you last summer. You know, when you came back from overseas? And your boyfriend had everything-but-penetrated that cute little freshman girl while you were away? Next time I won’t be so inconsiderate as to console you at 3 am while you’re bawling. That was just rude of me.
My girlfriend sure is sorry for cussing him out, too. He didn’t deserve it, definitely.
I mean, when your idiot, cheating boyfriend and his flunky friends started anonymously harassing my girlfriend on her livejournal - months after things had settled - I should’ve just taken it with a grain of salt. I mean, he was posting anonymously! I should respect that anonymity!
With that in mind, it was certainly wrong of me to use the access logs to figure out it was indeed that little shit, and subsequently cut off his webhosting, which I had unwittingly been providing - free of charge, mind you - for quite some time. It was certainly rude to confront him about it, and I wholeheartedly agree that his lies were deserved. After all, I disrespected his anonymous comments by trying to figure out who the fuck was messing with my girlfriend; that he lied and feigned innocence should not only be accepted but applauded.
I guess asking you to tell your idiot, cheating boyfriend and his friends to, you know, leave my girlfriend alone was too much. I realize now that it was asking too much from you, as a friend, to even show a little sympathy - you know, maybe a “are you ok?” or a “don’t mind him; he’s an idiot.” We certainly deserved your righteous indignation for even daring to think that you should act friendly. You were right to condone his behavior. After all, it was anonymous!
So it’s also cool that you condoned your asshole ex-boyfriend cussing out my girlfriend. After all, he was angry! And so were you! And, as you said, it’s ok 'cause you were angry!
I guess we should have taken it with wonderful excitement when you, our stupid bitch of a roomate, announced that you “forgot” to sign the lease and had found a great new apartment! The rush of finding a new roomate was like a vigorous run, naked at 5 am during a hail storm, and we appreciate your consideration in giving us such an experience. We’re sorry that we showed some signs of upset. We were just sorry to see you go.
Granted, it truly was a bit irresponsible of us to wait until two weeks before your move-out date to get the bills in order.
And we sure deserved your lecture on responsibility when we asked you to spend, oh, 20 minutes to get the bills transfered into our names. We took in every word, and pondered each, especially when you said you would take care of it and didn’t.
But all was well. We were so dismayed that you were leaving, queen bitch, that when you stayed an extra day, we were ecstatic! Who cares that your lease ended - we, the irresponsible ones, just aren’t smart enough to fathom that you don’t have to really move out when your lease is up. You are royalty, after all - aren’t you, little princess!
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Well, enough about the past.
It came to our attention that we owed you some money on top of what we already paid you for past bills. Well, so be it; the check is in the mail.
But it would sure be nice to get our fucking apartment keys back. The ones you were supposed to give back to management about two months ago.
Also, “I’ll give you back the keys when you pay me what you owe me” is pretty damn unbelievable. Look, stupid, you realize that the two things are unrelated, right? Your responsibility to management was to return the keys; I could steal your car and you would still have to return the keys. So please, return the fucking keys.
Actually, I’ve got a great idea. I’m going to explain this to management, and when they decide to change the locks, I’ll be happy to send the bill your way. Then you’ll owe me, and I’ll owe you, so things will cancel out, right!
Stupid bitch.