I'm feeling more alone.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

In somewhere around 12 hours, I’ll be seeing my parents for the first time since I left. I’m so horribly depressed about it that it’s reached the point of absurdity.

Part of me is extremely happy to see them. The rest of me just wishes that it wasn’t going to happen. I know what’s going to go on. I’ve already cleaned my room up. I took down the rainbow flag- not because they don’t know that I’m openly gay, but because it’s just easier.

I’ve figured out what friends of mine I want them to meet. It’s not that my friends aren’t people that I want them to meet, it’s just that meeting a whole bunch of gay people (yeah, most of my friends are gay) en masse always freaks out mom and dad.

I know what they want. They want to know that I’m a happy, well-adjusted college student. They want me to remember to call my grandparents, study hard, and eat lots of veggies. They don’t want to hear about the first test I failed, the times when I’m so lonely I could scream, or that I’m feeling extremely spiritually adrift.

Quietgirl’s taking it the hardest. At first, we started making tenative plans for her to come along with them on the visit. Now, it’s just… they’re coming, she’s not, and it’s been horrible. I wish I could convince myself that things haven’t changed since, I left, but I’ve changed. These past three nights I simply haven’t been home or able to call her before one in the morning, so we haven’t really been able to talk. And here’s the thing: there’s nothing I can really do. I can’t stop loving her; it’s not like there’s an on/off switch inside me… but I hate missing her. I miss her so badly that I can’t stand it. And there’s nothing I can do but count days until Thanksgiving. And then count days until Chrismas. And so on.

In about 12 hours I’m going to slap on a happy face, show my parents around campus, have them meet some of my friends, and be the well-adjusted happy child they know I am.

I hate it. And yet I’m still doing it.

2

Sounds like you might need to have a talk with the parents. It sounds scary, and it’ll probably be scary, but it might be something you need to do.

Your parents will never understand what you’re going through with this visit looming. Because of this they probably do not realize how stressful this all is for you. Maybe you should stop trying to make them so comfortable and worry more about your comfort. You need some support, and your girlfriend is probably your best source for that support. I know that with my wife beside me, nothing can stand in my way. Sounds like you have something really special with Quietgirl. Maybe you need to get your parents used to having her around.

Of course, you know your parents better than I do (“no kidding, Kiltie, really?”) so I won’t be offended if it turns out I’m spewing bullshit here, but all advice offered here is sincere, no matter how useful it turns out to be.

Hang in there, andygirl.

3

Chin up, andygirl. Don’t think you’re the only one that’s had to face these feelings. Your parents are probably a little apprehensive about their impending visit, too. On some level, I’m sure they know you’ve changed, too, but they don’t know how, or whether the changes are ones they’ll like, or even be able to accept, or…the list goes on and on.

Sometimes these things work out, and everybody’s happy, sometimes they don’t, and somebody has to deal with disappointment. Worrying about it, tho, saps your spirit. You’re a good person - you’ll survive, and thrive.

4

How can you feel alone? There are dozens of us here, 24/7, for you to lean & on ask advice of. Come by anytime- we are always here for you.

5

{{{{{andygirl}}}}}

More later…

6

Hon, never forget that at the end of the day the reason why it’s so hard is because of the love. Your feelings make it harder. The fact that your parent’s may be a bit uncomfortable with facets of your life make it difficult, and when that collides with the other person you care deeply about causing problems… well it’d be a strange person who didn’t struggle with it.

Remember they love you. It doesn’t make things better or right, but sometimes it can make things a bit easier with a new perception.

{{{{andy}}}}

Just don’t lose sight of the fact that many people care deeply about you (including many of us incidentally). That’s not a bad thing.

7

Just some opinions, talking out loud here. I might be off base, but let me try:

Quietgirl should have come. You didn’t say why she didn’t, but you two should have got together and had some serious time together. If I was your parent, I would have insisted that she come, and then divided the time between you and me and you and her. Your parents either must understand this, or be made to understand how important she is to you. And you have to push the issue. You are an adult, and you need to fight for quietgirl and yourself.

Your physical distance from her is what is causing a lot of your issues, combined with being away from home for an extended time, immersed in a completely different culture. We often don’t think of physical distance as being all that important, since we can phone, chat, e-mail, etc. But it is a crucial problem to many people. I learned more and connected more with Aenea having one face-to-face dinner with her than I did in all the e-mails, chats, board postings, etc. combined.

This situation also seems strange and scary to quietgirl, as she was able to rely on you for support. She feels left behind - you have escaped the hometown, and are in a different world. She fears that you have left her behind in more ways than just physical, or perhaps that “how can she keep you on the farm once you’ve seen Paris”. Ugh, perhaps a bad analogy… I’m sure you tell her about all sorts of cool things you do, new people you meet, interesting things you learn, the support you get from other lesbians and gays on campus. And then she hangs up the phone, and she’s still stuck at home with her parents (of which you have already said do not support her at all in her love for you), still going to the same high school, still in the same old one-story town.

You simply have to find a way for her to spend time with you. Serious time, like a 4 or 5 day weekend. Unfortunately, Thanksgiving might not give you enough time. There is not an easy solution to this, and there are going to be many more years of this to come, even if she moves in with your parents after graduation.

You know how much I care for you. Very sadly, I cannot give you anything but good wishes and half-baked advice derived from pop psychology at this time. And a virtual hug.

Una

8

andygirl: I don’t have much to add, but as someone who’s been there before in the not too distant past, I can only tell you, it will get better. The first year is so tough; you’re growing and changing so much that it’s hard to go back to where you came from at first. But hang in there; your parents and quietgirl love you for who you are.

9

Again, my “advanced” age (you kids make me feel so OLD!) gives me a different perspective.

When I was your age I wasn’t gay but I was involved in activities I though my parents couldn’t understand, too. Drugs, the sexual revolution, all that crap. So I did the same as you, slapping on a happy smile and hiding much of my life from them. It, and I, was stupid. My parents weren’t, but they played dumb to keep their worldview intact.

Your parents are about my age. They went through the same period of self-discovery and doing things outside the “norm” as I did. Everybody around your age does–you’ve just discovered more than most. Your parents know you’re gay, and while they may hold some hope that you “just haven’t met the right guy,” they have come to a realization that it may, or will, not happen.

Be yourself. Have some friends over. Maybe you don’t want a roomful at first, but maybe your parents will discover how enjoyable gay people can be–there is something about their self-awareness that has always made them seem SMARTER to me. That, and how admitting you’re gay can make admitting you’re smart that much easier!

10

I dunno if this make you feel any better, but here’s a perspective from the father of a ten-year-old girl…

The first time I visit HER at college (or boot camp or air-conditioner repair school or jail), I will be sufficiently freaked out by the fact that she’s having sex at ALL that I won’t give a damn if she’s having it with the quarterback of the football team or the Homecoming Queen.

(I also remember the first time MY folks visited me at college 20 years ago; didn’t go well at ALL…I wasn’t gay, but I WAS a dope-smoking long-haired anarchist with an African-American girlfriend. My parents would probably have considered gay to be a relief.)

11

I’m in total dad agreement. Denial is a parent’s best friend.

12

(andygirl)

I would offer advice, but actions speak louder than words and I have no actions.

If you need an ear, I’m here. FWIW:)

13

andygirl!

I’m going to school three states away from my home. This is year two. Last year was rough. It gets better.

Major hugs and love for your strength and courage to keep on keeping on.

14

Andygirl,
I’ve put four kids through college. Whenever I visited one of them the first thing on my mind was “What do you need me to do for you. What can I do to help?” I may not have known how to convey this, and as a result, perhaps left them with the wrong impression. I wanted them to be happy at the very least. I was there for them, not for myself. Do you really think that your parents are so two-dimensional that they would not be happy to share any problems or concerns you might have? You must know that they love you. Imagine how happy they will be if you open up just a little bit to them now. If they don’t want to share your life , I pity them. It is what being a parent is all about

15

Only for a little while today. It wasn’t so bad, really. Within ten minutes they made the obligatory remarks about my weight, the way I’m dressing, and the state of my room. Then I gave them the tenpenny tour of the college.

I was being a tad overdramatic when last I posted. It is true that my family isn’t that much of a “wavemaker” sort of deal. They asked me if I’m happy here, to which I said yes, and that about summed it up for the deep meaningful conversation. We care very deeply about each other, we just don’t talk about it so much. It’s almost… well, I hesitate to bring up some of my problems with them because I can’t explain them well enough and there’s really nothing they can do about them, and they’re already going through empty nest syndrome- making them feel helpless isn’t going to put things in a better light, I don’t think.

I’m really not explaining this well.

I am going to try and open up tomorrow. We’ll see how it goes. I think it’s a throwback to being gay… I never told them about what I was going through back then, and the process never really carried over. Sigh.

Una, quietgirl is still 17. She can’t go anywhere without her parents letting her, and it was her parents who said no way. (bastards that they are…)

16

Another Dad in agreement here. (Even tho Darling Daughter is only One.)

It’s nerve wracking this time, but if there is another time, perhaps it won’t be. The situation may become easier to accept as time goes on.

Cheer up, Andy.

17

What assholes.

Really, I can’t respond to their assholishness in the way that I would like unless this thread was moved to the Pit.

Keep us posted - we’re here, we’re listening, and we care.

18

It was a little strained, we were overcompensating, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. They made the obligatory cracks about my weight, the way I dress, and the state of my room… and then moved on.

In other news, I get to see quietgirl in two and a half weeks. My dad suggested that she be the one to pick me up from the airport. He also said that if she couldn’t, he would take her with him. How cool is that?

This from the man who, on my 18th birthday when quietgirl and I were sitting in my room talking, popped his head in and said “Kris, your mom and I are going out. Jen, make sure you keep the birthday girl happy.”

So not so bad. I’ve snapped out of my funk, at least.

19

Cool dad you have there.

Good to hear you’re feeling happy.

20

Andygirl, this may or may not be what you want to hear, but…

Keep in mind that “This too shall pass”. You’re at a time of major changes in your life. Moving away from home, in a foreign environment, new people around, no support system (family, friends, etc) that you’re used to having, and separated from quietgirl. All of this while you’re a teenager (I assume you’re a teenager, right?), which means growing and changing all on it’s own. The bottom line is you’re breaking new ground for yourself, and you have a right to feel that you’re adrift. This too shall pass.

Don’t take this as poohpoohing from some old fart who is dismissing your complaints as not anything of substance. These issues DO hurt, they DO have real effects like depression, anxiety, pain, and stress. But as you learn to deal with them, you learn that they don’t always have to cause as much hurt.

Can you stand one more bit of unsolicited advice?

Be careful that you don’t demonize quietgirl’s parents, at least so much that you (in your own mind) pigeonhole them until you can no longer deal with them as anything other than demons. Once they’re ogres in your mind, you will always be dealing with ogres, instead of two people who love their daughter but don’t yet fully understand who she is. Life is seldom black and white. There’s a whole spectrum of color, intensity, hues, etc.
OK, I think this puts my single-post metaphor count at 4, my cliche count at 5, and my buzzword count at 6.