I'm friggin' clueless. Ladies, please help.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK. I’ve brought this up before, but it was more of a little mini-rant than a question.

I am totally, absolutely, completely oblivious to flirting. Short of, “Let me sit on your face”, I pretty much just don’t get it. Not that anybody’s ever just come up to me and said they wanted to sit on my face, but if it happened, I’d get the idea.

Anyway, I’ve been going to this new little coffee place on my way home from work the last few days. The same girl is there every day, and is always real nice, makes good coffee, etc. And has anybody noticed how you can’t get a “cup of coffee”? Every time I go to a new coffee house, I have to learn a whole new language. I’m lake a little kid pointing at stuff I want.

WGG (wannabe goth girl) - “What size do you want?”
Me - “Large”
WGG - “We don’t have large”
Me (pointing) - “Can I have that size?”
WGG - “That is called a Venti, sir.”
Me - “I thought Venti was the shorter one.”
WGG - “No, that’s a tall.”
Me - :confused:

But I digress. So I’m going to this new place every day on my way home and she makes me coffee. She always asks me how I’m doing and gives me a nice smile. Smiles are cool. Anyway, yesterday a friend was with me and we stopped by to wake up. She is nice as ever and we get back to my car. I’m informed at this point that she was flirting with me. Heavily. And that she wanted to sit on my face.

I made that last part up, but you get the idea. So, convinced that I’m clueless, and that Eric’s “in the know”, I decide to ask her out today. Side note: it is completely unlike me to do this. The only reason I’ve ever had girlfriends is because they were nice enough to chase me around throwing hints. When they tired of the hints, they all got real upset and asked me why I didn’t want to go out with them? Then I would, and they’d realize I’m just an idiot. I’m funny that way.

Today, completely out of character, I ask her for her phone number. No cheesy lines. Just a question. I was cut down. She was real nice about it, but it still sucked.

So, I have come to these 5 conclusions:

  1. I’m friggin’ clueless
  2. Eric is friggin’ clueless
  3. All my other friends think Eric is “in the know”
  4. Translation: They’re all friggin’ clueless
  5. Coffee house girl did not, in fact, want to sit on my face.

I come to the ladies now. How do I know when somebody’s flirting? I’m going to compile and extensive list and then I’m going to go test it out. Actually, I’ll probably have somebody else do it, and I’ll sit on the sidelines taking notes. Maybe some girl he tests will like note takers. Then I’d be all like, “oh yeah”. But not really. Because how many personals have you ever seen that say something like, “SWF seeks SWM. Must be caring, succesful and an excellent note taker.”?

Please fill me in on the secrets. I’ve got to know.

2

Algarond, even if she was, indeed, flirting with you, this does not mean she wants to sit on your face or even see you outside of her coffee-shop environment. Some girls just flirt. Flirting does not equal “do me now, you big hot stud”.

Signs of flirting (for those of you, Algarond, who are on the shallow/clueless end of the gene pool ;)): she looks directly into your eyes and blinks more often than is usual. She plays with her hair and/or touches her face, especially when she shows her inner-wrist-side-out. If she’s really attracted to you, the pupils of her eyes will be larger than usual. She smiles and laughs a lot, as if you were the most witty studhorse in the universe. Once again, flirting is not necessarily an invitation to give her the wild thing.

When in doubt, ask her out. The worst thing that can happen is she’ll say ‘no’. Yes, you are clueless, but if you keep trying, someone is bound to think it’s cute.

3

Okay, well for starters…

She may very well have been flirting…and that doesn’t necessarily mean that she wants to sit on your face.

You see, sometimes people flirt just cuz it’s fun. And if she’s just smiling and being nice, then she’s just interacting. But here’s your opportunity: smile and be nice back. Flirt yourself! (You can do this…) And it’s no pressure, cuz if you do something stupid, then you can convince yourself later that she’s just being nice cuz you’re a customer, or because that’s the way she is. And assume that if she does really like you, she’ll eventually leave no room to wonder. (Or she won’t, and you’ll never know. But in that case, does it really matter?)

4

MY EYES! MY EYES!! :::Grace backs out of this thread::: It’s too much like finding out your brother had sex. :wink:

5

I am incapable of flirting w/o blushing.

I also bite my lip and generally act like a dope.

Sometimes I’ll chew on a fingernail w/o really chewing, kinda calling attention to my mouth.

I’m insane though.

6

Well, honey.

I am a redhead. I have also been “blessed” with redhead skin. So, I blush when I am…angry, upset, flattered, angry, uncertain, happy, aroused. Well, you get the picture. I blush with pretty much any emotion.

It is a curse, I tell you, A CURSE!

But, I digress.
Sheesh, honey, you are adorable…if you think someone is flirting with you, they most likely are. And if they DON’T have the good sense to be flirting with only you when you think they are, then they are flirting with EVERYONE…and do you really want a woman in your life that flirts with EVERYONE?

Okay, even to ME this sounds convoluted.

Maybe it is time for ScottiSleep.

7

Aglarond, props to ya! I thought I would have to take notes on the Discovery Channel. Usually, chicks have to whap me upside the head with a sledgehammer. Now I got half a clue, so I know when to duck! :smiley:

Tripler
Like I said, it’s only half a clue.

8

I think some of you are kinda missing the point. Aglarond DIDN’T think she was flirting … at least not until Clueful Eric missed with his head. And the whole “sitting on face” think was code for “want to see me outside the coffee shop.”

So, how does a clueless one realize (on his own) that the warm smile and small-talk might represent more then professional courtisy?

Alas, I fear that it’s an impossible task. Attraction is not so much a “state” as it is a “process”. When coffee female made warm inqueries into your day, did you simply answer her question, complete the transaction, and then hide in a the local alternative newspaper? Or did you inquire about her day? I.e., is it your habit to maintain momentum in a conversation?

She may in fact have been in the early stages of flirting, but perhaps didn’t even know it herself. If you had reacted by simply relating to her more personably over the next week - more jokes, more discussion of personal interests, food preferences, favorite Kama Sutra positions, etc. - then she may have given you her phone number and bra size too when you asked.

But don’t count me as one of the “in the know” crowd …

9

Just wanted to check in here and let Aglarond know he’s not alone. I was totally oblivious to flirting, which probably explains my poor dating record. On one occasion friends told me “She’s interested in you” and I had to respons “But how can you tell?” When you mix this situation with the fact that almost every woman I asked out said no or put me down, you have a recipe for disaster.

But there’s hope for us all. I’ve been married almost eight years now (Oh my God – eight years? Is it possible?) with a 3 1/2 year old. Fortunately Pepper Mill was persistent and didn’t mind being so obvious even I couldn’t miss it.

10

Is that even legal? :smiley:

I don’t grok flirting either. sound of two cents being dropped

One of my friends got sick of dropping hints and met her future husband by just walking up to him and telling him something like “You. 7:00 tonight. Movie theater. Bring money.” It works, honest.

11

Or even possible, outside the Star Trek universe!

12

Sure, that works for the girls. Guys love obviousness, it makes things so much easier. Women, on the other hand, want subtlety. Hence Aglarond’s confusion, which I can totally agree with.
Guys, picture yourself walking up to a girl and saying “You. 7:00 tonight. Movie theater. I’ll bring money.” Would it work? Not very often. Girls, would it work on you? Not unless you were already interested in the guy, and letting him know this by all of that subtle blushing and pupil dilation, which he wouldn’t be picking up on anyway because he’s a clueless guy, right?

:confused:

13

…watches in profound awe as point sails over gd’s head in a graceful arc…

14

A wink is the same as a nod to a blind bat, eh?

15

Hmmm…this won’t help you much but I am a girl who gets shy around guys. I am pretty much clueless. I think I flirt, though(don’t ask me how, though. I don’t even know). Anyway, you would have to walk up to me. I would not go to you. As I said, the first step for me is shyness. I am quiet sometimes, then become loud(kinda obnoxious). I stumble over words(although that isn’t quite out of the ordinary) and I try to appeal to you(aggreeing with things you say). I don’t laugh at jokes that much, but I try to be funny.

I don’t sound all that shy, do I? I guess I come out of my shell around the second meeting. Oh, and if you did say what slortar said, I would most likely say,“Okay!”(what can I say, I’m easy.) :wink:

Now that I reread this, I guess I do flirt. Yay! It hasn’t worked yet; darn it. I need to rethink this. Any suggestions?:confused:

16

This thread kind of makes me wonder…
Am I really as oblivious as I think I am, or is there just nothing there for me to notice? :slight_smile:

17

Damn. There goes my brilliant approach to flirting. :smiley:

On those few occasions a lady deigns to flirt with me, I’m usually pretty clueless myself–I blame it on lack of practice :frowning: .

What little success I’ve had with women was usually the result of a odd combination of total obliviousness on my part, a devil-may-care attitude toward life in general, and sheer determination on her part. If only a could recreate the combination on demand, I’d be a happy man.

18

Safeway had this policy where they had to smile at the customer all the time &the clerks thought it was unfair cause people kept thinking they were coming on to them.

I think if a woman is interested in a guy she would ask him out. Or give hints about that. e.g. ‘do you like bike riding?’

19

I just wanted to jump in here and apologize to all the men out there for being a married woman who flirts and flirts and flirts like crazy.

My husband and I are BOTH incurable flirts and we often go out separately with other friends.

I’ve been asked out or more explicity asked to participate in sweaty sexual acts and said “oh god no, I’m married. I was just flirting with you.”

I guess it’s kind of mean.

But…

I’ll probably keep doing it.

Maybe your approach to that coffee house girl was a little brash. It seemed kind of a jump from ‘nice smile’ to ‘date’. I’d go back in tomorrow and say, “here I am again to embarrass you,” and just smile nicely. She’ll know you’re not a freak, but in the back of her head she’ll remember that you want her phone number.

It may build into something else!

jarbaby

20

There was a thread quite a while ago that discussed in detail how to tell if a woman (in a bar) was interested. The two steps I remember were that the woman would make eye contact, then find some excuse to pass near the man she was interested in. Does anyone else remember this thread? Do you know how many threads in MPSIMS have flirt and bar in them?