Am I glad to find out I am not the only clueless guy when it comes to flirting. One woman several years ago would through out vague hints about getting together sometime, for example she would say something like “we should go get some coffee or something sometime”. I would agree, but for some reason not notice what was “going on”. Now as I type it I realize I am such a dufus. Later she turned out to be a psycho-b** from hell who stole a lap top, but thats another story.
Recently, I was at a party with some co-workers, and after one woman left, everyone said she was flirting big time, and that I “could have had her”, easily. I totally missed it. Also, she is significantly older than I am, so I am not sure what to do now.
Finally, I find when I try to flirt with someone I stutter, get nervous and cannot think of anything interesting to say. When flirting is not my goal, I seem to do alright.
That bites, so I want to put forth the motion that if a woman are interested in a man she needs to drop the subtlety and say something like “I find you acceptable so far, if you wish you may ask me out, and I will say yes”. (or a facsimilie thereof). I think even I could catch onto this
I have this problem with guys. Amazingly enough, most gay male flirt interactions are pretty much like male/female. You have the occasional guy who thinks nothing of introducing himself by grabbing your…erm…delicate parts, but that’s rare (too rare, actually).
I have similar problems to the other guys on here, in that I don’t recognize when someone is interested if they’re not staring directly at me for long periods of time, licking their lips. Sidelong glances, whispered conversations with their friends, brushing my back with their shoulder on the way to the bathroom…I don’t recognize any of it while it’s happening. I’ve gotten the “He soooo wanted you!” from friends after someone left before, too.
Part of my problem is that I don’t recognize the fact that I would be desirable to anyone. It just doesn’t come up in my mind unless it’s pushed there by someone actually saying “You’re really cute”.
Current relationship? Basically HOTB said something about why don't you come visit us and date TP. I told TP about it, figuring she'd get a laugh. She basically said "So, when are you coming?" I did the Ralph Kramden "homminna hommina hommina" like she hit me with a shovel. She thought she was obvious before this. I couldn't find a clue with a roadmap...
Ladies, feel free to be the aggressor. We don’t mind. Really. If she waited for me, she’d still be waiting.
I should probably clarify. We didn’t go from ‘Hi’ to date just like that. I can tell you where she goes to school, what music she likes, her favorite restaurant, why she broke up with her ex-boyfriend, where she was born, that she hates the drive into work because she lives quite a ways away and is only at this location to get it started, etc.
It wasn’t as abrupt as it looks like I made it out to be.
If you catch a woman preening herself after she sees you it means that she is interested in you. (She smooths her hair quickly or checks her clothes, Etc.)
Its a subconscious thing she may do without recognzing she is doing it. Works for guys too.
Before I went out on the first date with my first husband, I had been flirting like crazy. Oh man. The hair tossing, the coy smiling, you name it, I tried it. He was pleasant enough, but never seemed to actually respond to the flirting.
Finally, one of the guys he worked with clued me in. “D (my ex) is clueless. Everyone in this place knows you want him…except him. You’re going to need to be a bit more direct.”
So I was. I walked up to him one day and said “Hey, would you be interested in having dinner with me sometime?” The look on his face was priceless. He was shocked. He honestly had no idea that I was interested.
The relationship failed, but hey, I learned some valuable flirting tips. Like sometimes, you’ve just got to whip out that proverbial two-by-four and hit them right between the eyes.
Well don’t feel to bad. The other way is much worse.I that I have an ability to tell without a doubt whether a girl is interested in a guy.(or a guy with a girl,( or a guy with a guy etc.) Unfortunately it’s like a ‘gift of the gods’ in a greek tragedy. I can read the mind of a woman, but usually her mind is thinking “damn are you a loser”. I realized that this ability was honed through years of sitting alone in a bar while my friends were ‘making progress’. On the other hand guys and girls who always know when someone is interested, and have a lot of interest, tend to become assholes and bitches. Being clueless is the best option.
I’m a guy just for the side note, but I’ve always thought it is best to just show intrest in every (well almost every) girl that comes by, then when one shows intrests, push the flirting up another notch, then another, until your wrestling around on the floor. This usually (always) works with the “fast girls” although you really probably wouldn’t want them, not for girlfriend material anyway. But at least you’ll get laid.
Although even if you think there is a girl who you’d like to start talking to try to invite them and their friends out to a place (bar/nightclub/coffee house) where you and your friends and their friends could all interact, for one their wouldn’t be much presure on her, plus you might hook up one of your boys.
Good luck in the future.
Hay ladies just a thought here… but if little miss coffee shop girl, thought his aproach was too direct and he wasn’t being sau’ve (or however you spell it) would she then shut him down even if she did like him??? If so what should his approach be??? Or am I just another dumb guy too???
Whoa, if she went that far into her personal life, she is a big psycho for giving a cold shoulder when you asked for her phone #. I’ll have to agree with your semi-clueful friend that she was flirting big-time. Her bait-and-switch was pretty underhanded if you ask me. Maybe she expected a, “So, tonight after work can I take you someplace where they make the coffee?” Maybe she’s just shy about giving her phone # out.
I’m reading this thread and thinking “Gosh, it’d be fun to be back on the market, all that flirting, dating, women offering to sit on my face…” Which pretty much proves that I’m a complete moron, because I was never good at dating. I astound even myself with my cluelessness.
Exhibit A:
I was watching TV with a woman with her sitting in front of me. She took my hand and placed it squarely on her left breast. I thought “Okay, just act casual…she clearly doesn’t realize where my hand is…”
Exhibit B:
I was at a party and a woman was sitting on my lap. I bounced my knee up and down, and she said “You should probably stop…” “Why?” I asked. “Because…if you don’t stop…I’ll come.” Shortly after that I went home. Alone.
Exhibit C:
A woman came to visit me. She climbed in to my bed. She asked me to climb in with her, which I did, making sure to stay on my side of the bed. She said “Oh, you can do better than that.” I didn’t know if she was interested, though, so I didn’t do anything. She seemed frustrated for some reason and left.
"Back in college I took a Sociology course and it covered meeting people in one section. It had a neat 5 (4?) step rule for finding people that were interested in you. I sorta followed its advice and was quite surprised that it actually worked. I’m sorry, I only partially remember it from the guys point of view. But the first couple of hints seemed to increase my chances of a successful meeting, and steered me clear of ones that would be a potential disaster.
Here they are as I remember them:
Eye-contact. Gotta have it. If she smiles when you hold that eye-contact for more than 2 seconds- Bingo! If she doesn’t make eye-contact or actively avoids it- don’t waste the effort, find someone who does.
Proximity. Seriously this one is true! After you have made eye-contact, if she gets up and comes close to you, then you might have some interest being shown. In a bar there are many places and ways to get somewhere, but if she walks all the way around the room to walk by you as she goes to the bathroom or to order a drink or ???, then buddy, get ready for step 3.
Introduction. This is where being a nice, charming, etc. guy buys you points. Listen to the ladies above- don’t over do this one, especially if 1. and 2. are present- don’t fail at the beginning.
Mimicking(sp?). Now that you’re talking away and being happy, if you notice that she leans forward when you do, or crosses her arms when you do, or leans to one side or the other when you do, this is a good sign! If not, listen more to her responses, she might be trying to brush you off now that she found out more about you. It happens.
Agreement to meet again. If the four above went well, then she will probably give you her real phone number, not the one to the local car-wash. Where you take this from here is up to you and your conscience.
After I read these I went to the bars and just watched. Sometimes it was hilarious how accurate this was. You can notice a woman watching some guy, catch them looking at each other, and then tell your friends what was going to happen. Point 2. was the one that got my friends the most when I would say “Look, she’s going to get up in the next few minutes and walk right by him on the way to the bathroom.” and 5 minutes later it happened. Funny stuff to watch, and when I actively tried it, I’d wait for point 2. then go and introduce myself a few minutes later, or stop her when she walked back by with a nice and simple “Hello.”
Not 100%, but it can increase your odds. I mean, a woman who avoids your stares, never gets near you, and sorta rolls her eyes as you walk towards her to say hello is giving off some pretty good signals that you ain’t gonna score tonight big guy. Find someone else."
And when I was single I avoided ALL attempts at dating with an employee in a customer service position. She’s smiling, not hinting that she wants to jump you. Let’s work it out:
She probably serves 30 people an hour? Maybe 20. Let’s be conservative, 20. 50% are women, that’s 10. 50% are un-datable- too young, too old, whatever, that’s 5. Repeat customers, hmmm…let’s knock off 1, so 4. She works an 8 hour day- so she meets 32 dateable guys a DAY. Now, even if that number is halved because of more repeat customers or ???, you are in competition with at least 15, if not 32, new guys every workshift. Those are some pretty insurmountable odds to compete against. So why do it? Never waste your time with waitresses, cashiers, bartenders, receptionists, etc. If they wanted to date you, they would ask you.
Here is some proven advice for getting dates with women that will be with you for longer than 1 night. Take notes folks, you’ll only hear it once…
a) Be yourself. Why hook up with someone attracted to the person you aren’t?
b) Shave. Get a haircut. Yes, do it. Women like clean men. Wear ripped jeans and t-shirts to suit your style, but a shave and a haircut is essential to 90%+ of the women out there.
c) Borrow your sisters baby or dog and go for a walk in the park- women will come up to you to start a conversation.
d) Best cologne? You want the truth? Can you handle the truth? Really? OK- Baby powder. It SCREAMS “clean, safe, secure, nice guy.” Every single guy I’ve told this to has attested to its efficacy. Not a lot, be subtle, and don’t use it for every date. You want it to speak to her subconcious. Even women who don’t want kids have still been brought up around that smell and associate good, happy, comfortable thoughts with it.
e) Go cruising for women with a friend that is a girl. Have her point out good prospects. If you are good enough to be with one woman, then you must not be all that bad…
f) Always, always, always have a condom.
If the girl is working in customer service, she isn’t flirting with you. That’s just the way it is. To be more precise, she may be flirting, but it isn’t out of interest in you. It’s out of habit, as a means to get better tips and be perceived as friendly. I waited tables for four years through college and after. I flirted with every customer, male & female, simply because it puts people at ease when you make them feel good about themselves. I was never intersted in a single customer. I just wanted to earn a good tip and get them out the door. Lots of my customers knew personal details about me, but again, only because I was trying to foster a little repeat business. I know some girls would genuinely flirt with cute customers, but they’d have ways of making it perfectly clear that they weren’t just being friendly. They’d leave their phone number with the bill, ask the person where they were going next and show up there after their shift, they’d ask the customer for a phone number, etc. I imagine the same goes for male servers. They’re just doing their job.
Sidelong glances, whispered conversations with their friends, brushing my back with their shoulder on the way to the bathroom…I don’t recognize any of it while it’s happening. I’ve gotten the “He soooo wanted you!” from friends after someone left before, too.