I'm glad I was never in a religion where I had to pour hot-pepper alcohol on my 'nads

A Vodou believer pours hot pepper-spiced homemade alcohol on her genital area…


Here’s an experiment:

Pour potable alcohol into your mouth.

Pour the same alcohol onto your genitals.

Notice any appreciable difference (aside from no sensation of flavor on your genitals) ?

Now, pour potable alcohol flavored with chili pepper into your mouth and onto your genitals… again; any big difference?

OK, now do this all over again while in the throes of religious ecstasy.

Ooooh! HEAVEN! HELL!!!

Y’know, this reminds me of why I learned that soap & water is your friend after making burritos using Endorphin Rush. I didn’t do it on purpose, but I did see God.

I was a member of such a religion once, in the guise of a fraternity. And I guess it wasn’t exactly peppered alcohol but concentrated Wintergreen instead. Yes, Mr. Happy and the Orchids might have had wonderfully kissable breath afterwards but it also burned them but good. All my erections for the next week were accompanied by teary eyes. Freaked this one date out but good.

Learning to touch myself there (age 11): Good

Abrading myself in the shower (age 12): Bad

Exploring lotions and creams as lubricants (age 13): Very Good

Discovering that Ben Gay + Gonads = Fireballs (age 14): Very Very Bad

“It felt cold at first…” --Richard Pryor, Live in Concert (1979)

Goodness gracious great balls of fire!

BAWHAHAHAH!!! Oh shit, that’s funny!

One girlfriend I had enjoyed um backdoor sex. One time she grabed the wrong lotion bottle in the dark. It was some type of peppermint soothing heat lotion.

Needless to say neither of us had much fun after about 30 seconds.