I'm heart broken- How do I get through this?

In My Humble Opinion
41

For heaven’s sake, don’t. The only thing this will accomplish is to cause you more pain.

That door is shut, and it’s not going to open again. Sitting in front of it wishing only keeps you from trying other doors.

I’m a little disturbed that you still seem to think she is the only person you could possibly “make love” with, the only person who could possibly be a good partner, the only person you could possibly have a happy relationship. Those ideas aren’t just wrong, they’re dangerous.

Go and focus on being a healthy person. Have adventures. Learn new things. Find a job you’re passionate about. Do charity work. Advocate for a cause. Be whole and well rounded, and leave her out of it.

Then consider the following: there are 3.5 billion women out there, and if you are an atheist, then it follows that the concept of “soulmates” or “true love” is just as ridiculous as Young Earth Creationism. We are random beings driving by genetic, social, and cultural imperatives. We are all capable of the kind of connection you felt when you were with this woman. That connection was not a measure of how perfect the two of you were for each other. It was confirmation that both of you had the human capacity for love and intimacy. If you believe that can only happen for you with her, you are doing yourself a terrible disservice.

42

My money is it’s somehow related to the OP’s jealousy issues. They had a blowup four years ago about something real or imagined, and The Most Perfect Girl In The World decided that she didn’t want a potential jealous oaf of a boyfriend and hightailed it out of there. When they got back in touch, she may have believed (as a lot of us would) that she’d matured, he’d matured, so maybe the jealousy wouldn’t be an issue. Also, whose hearts wouldn’t go pitter-pat at the thought of someone pining away for us for years?*

They had ‘a talk’ about contact with her ex, which maybe went well and contributed to her magnanimous thoughts that the OP had changed, but then the email came the next day and scuffed the hell out of the shiny new paint… resulting in her running for the hills.

I could be totally wrong, of course, but it’s the first thing that crossed my mind.
[sub]*Caveat- the heart would go pitter-pat until logic circuits were able to re-route, and we realized "Holy crap- this person has been PINING AWAY FOR ME FOR YEARS. NOT. HEALTHY.[/sub]

43

How do you know? Isn’t it possible that since this just happened, she might change her mind? I use a program that tells me when someone opens one of my emails. She’s been reading them several times and she read the latest one that she’s read before just this morning. Isn’t that a possible sign that she’s thinking of contacting me? I know it could be possible signs of something else, but it could be that she’s thinking of wanting to see me again, right? She has a family event to go to today. Maybe she’s going to contact me when she gets back?

I know. I don’t think she’s my souls mate or anything like that. I just know how special I feel when I hold her, think about the next time we’re going to see each other, and how much I couldn’t wait for our time together last night that never happened. I’ve never felt that way before.

It’s not. It has nothing to do with a character flaw on my part and I’d rather not get into it because I know it’s not relevant. Back then I didn’t feel the way I do now to let my jealousy shine through. A lot of the feelings I have now developed over the week before I saw her last Saturday night that we talked every night on the phone, the great Saturday night we spent together at dinner and talking kissing afterward, the lunch we had during the week, and all of the talking on the phone up until this happened. Holding and kissing her last Saturday night was incredible. Of course all of the plans we were making is a big part of it too. I was totally invested. I want her back more than I’ve ever wanted anything.

44

It is painful and only time really helps. There really is no solution other than waiting it out that I know of.

I know from personal experience, when I really really ‘click’ with a woman it is because she activates certain dysfunctions I have. That is a trap you have to watch out for. Were you in love because she really was a match or did you have such strong feelings because she activated some deep seated issues within you?

I know for me, it was the latter. Not only did I have to deal with the pain, but I had to deal with facing it never would’ve worked anyway because I didn’t feel the way I did for healthy reasons.

Then again, your situation could be different. I really don’t know. But it is something to think about.

Also, if you have psych issues then SD isn’t always a good place to get support. That isn’t an insult and there are a lot of tolerant, decent people here but this place can be pretty supercilious if you have emotional problems. Maybe a psych forum would be a better idea.

45

To the OP: please note that I am NOT speaking out of malice.

GET. PROFESSIONAL. HELP.

This young woman, if she has a sense of self-preservation and knew that you think she “owes” you any emotional investment and are monitoring what e-mails she opens, would probably be looking into restraining orders. I know that if a friend of mine told me her (or his, let’s be fair) brief romantic interest was getting this clingy/stalky, I’d be urging such action.

Learn about boundaries.

46

You should live as if there’s no chance.

Delete this program RIGHT NOW and never use it or anything like it ever again. You think it’s creepy for you to ask about her ex? What do you think anyton is going to think if they find out you pull this kind of stalkery bullshit?

My advice is for you to stop posting on this board right now and talk to a real human being. A friend, a parent, somebody. Get some actual perspective on this.

47

I don’t know enough about how love works to answer the first part of your question, but no, I don’t think there’s any deep seated issues that have been activated.

No, I’ve never had psych issues. I’m just having a very difficult time with a break up.

I never said that. Read post 22 again. I said “is asking for the courtesy to explain things to me better on the phone too much to ask?” If I broke up with someone after they were planning on making some big changes in their life to be with me, I would feel I at least owe them a phone conversation to better explain what happened. I don’t think she owes me an emotional investment.

Oh please, you’d be laughed away from court. Nothing I’m doing would ever be grounds for someone being granted a restraining order. She asked for me not to be contacted again and I stopped. The email program is similar to what we had back in the AOL days when you would know if another AOL user opened an email. I’m not going to post any further defending myself against these sort of claims. I’ll know when she has opened one of my emails and I’m hoping that she wants back. That’s as far as my “clingy/stalky” behavior that’s deserving of a restraining order goes.

48

Let’s see, you’re grilling her about who she talks to when you’re not right there, you’re talking lifetime plans after a handful of dates over a period of YEARS, you’re checking up on what e-mails she’s reading, you’re saying things like “I spoke a little to a female friend and when I told her that she doesn’t want me to contact her anymore, she said, “she doesn’t owe you anything.” Is that right? I was willing to make some big changes in my life to be with her, and now that she doesn’t want to see me anymore, is asking for the courtesy to explain things to me better on the phone too much to ask?”, and you don’t think you’re getting a bit obsessively possessive?

What would you say to your sister if a guy she’d only dated a few times was doing this stuff to her?

You do not own this woman, she has every right to tell you you don’t fit in with her plans for her life, she does NOT owe you anything she does not CHOOSE to give, and you NEED to back off her before you wind up in a serious mess.

I’m sticking with the suggestion to get some counseling and learn about boundaries, such as that others have a right to set them, regardless of how much you “love” that person (or the fantasy you’ve built around that person, to be more accurate).

49

There wasn’t any grilling. At all. I think some of you are building up a fantasy about my actions in the same way you think I have built up fantasies. BTW, I realize I have built up fantasies over the years and that is a bit of an issue. But I think even without that, I would find her special enough that I’d be heartbroken over this.

I know she does not literally “owe” me anything. I brought up that I would have liked a conversation about it and I thought it was cold that she couldn’t give me that. I have backed off, so there’s not going to be any “serious mess.” I’m not contacting her. How many more times do I need to say that? Actually, I’m not going to say it anymore.

50

You demanded information about her other social contacts you had no right to. Let’s not nit-pick what verb is used, you overstepped rational boundaries and apparently she’s bright enough to see red flags when they wave in her face.

If you were really “backing off”, you wouldn’t be quizzing her friends or monitoring what e-mail she opens, nor would you be demanding she interact with you when she does not wish to (she gave you all the info you have any right to, namely that she doesn’t want you in her life, and demanding more from her would confirm to her that she was justified in getting rid of someone with severe issues with boundaries).

Unless you are a (bleep) of a lot older than you write, I’m quite probably old enough to be your mother. You are NOT living in some Meg Ryan movie where you can badger someone into loving you. Reality doesn’t work like that.

51

No, I didn’t.

What? That never happened.

That never happened.

I’m not demanding anything of her. Once more, I’m not even in contact with her.

I’m not doing that. Absolute last time I defend myself against someone’s incorrect ideas of what’s going on. Say what you will, but don’t be surprised if I don’t respond.

52

…it is a deep searing pain and no words can heal.

What I suggest is you try a forum better orientated to what you are experiencing - LoveShack.org Community Forums

You will meet all kinds of people there, those who have recovered from lost love and those who still struggle with it. Good people.

My heartfelt wishes for you.

53

Thanks, Ken. I really appreciate it.

54

I found the book “Love and Limerance” by Dorothy Tennov to be helpful in putting a similar situation into perspective.

55

So did I.

56

This thread is making me very umsad.

57

Or Galatea.

I’m Sad, I’ve been right there. Years ago (in my teen years), I pined for a girl in just the way you described-we had one magical summer where we spent most of our free time together (on the beach, if you want to know), and we clicked in every way imaginable, and she brought out the best in me. Had never met someone like her before, and yes pined away for her and fantasized about her every single moment of the waking day. Circumstances prevented us from becoming a couple at the time-she was a bit younger than me and her parents (they were from Turkey) hated me, but frankly, I was a totally messed up person back then, wracked by depression, not knowing who I was (avoided drugs and drink thank Og). She eventually moved beyond me, which in retrospect was wise, since any relationship with the person I was would have probably ended up hurting her terribly (as it was, I did anyway).

What did I do? About ten years later, I bravely managed to reinvent my life, and discovered a joy within myself (and without) which didn’t depend on whether woman X loved me or not. From what you describe you are as riddled now with these innumerable deep attachments (many of them unhealthy or at least counterproductive, so much so that you likely aren’t fully conscious of their affect on you) as I was (yes, going Buddhist here, in case you can’t tell). You might, or might not, be able to influence how other people see you, but you sure as hell can decide how you wish their actions to affect you. It’s far too easy to mythologize someone else, far too easy then to fall into the trap that you’ve created for yourself and delude yourself into thinking they are the sole source of salvation or at least happiness for you (again as I said believe me I know).

So I say, go out and find a new focus in your life, one which doesn’t involve her or traditional romance-my romance, for example, is with the universe. Develop new capacities of understanding and compassion for others, and free yourself of all of these dead-end attachments-once you let the first one go, the rest become easy to discard. A number of years later you’ll likely find someone just as wonderful-and if you don’t, that won’t matter anymore because your joy won’t depend on them. Only then will you be free.

I last talked (briefly) to my teenage love about 12 years ago, and frankly time and perspective can let you see things with new eyes (i.e. I didn’t feel attracted to her, at all, tho I will be honest and admit that her weighing over 200 lbs. probably didn’t help).

58

He should, but he won’t. Not for a while anyway. Didn’t mostly all of us went through that at some point or another?

Yes it is. In fact not so much for her well being than for yours. Even if she were willing to do so, it would go nowhere. Her answers would be awkward, probably not really truthful because she wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings, and in any case you wouldn’t ever be satisfied by these answers. You would want more explanations, you would want to convince her otherwise, you would want to cling at this new straw (“she talked to me again” “maybe she’ll change her mind if only I do the right thing, behave the right way” “maybe if I send her another mail she’ll respond and then…”)

Believe me, from my own experience and the experiences of many others I have known and who had been dumped, females or males. Desperatly wanting more explanations when you’ve just been hurt (even when there isn’t as much love/infatuation involved) is absurdly common. It never leads anywhere except to more pain and frustration. She did the right thing by telling you not to contact her. Again, at least as much for you as for her.

59

That was a timeline and a coincidence which allowed this to happen because emotionally healthy people do not normally get into this situation. A perfect storm. She didn’t do this to screw with you, and if it happened at any other time she probably wouldn’t have agreed to see you again. Fresh off a break-up, and a guy from your past shows up and tells you you’re the only thing he has thought of for the past 4 years and a woman can have a moment of weakness and say yes when she would normally say no. That’s what I think happened.

She got a bit too caught up in the fantasy, you are so enthusiastic, she’s getting her ego stroked and it’s easy to lose sight of reality for a little bit. She’s having some misgivings but is on the fence and maybe feeling a bit bad about going along with this so easily and is starting to look for an out, but then she gets the email from you and bam!, she clearly sees what she got herself into and realizes the only way out of this mess is a quick clean cut.

She’s not going to have a conversation with you about this because she has snapped out of it and is now fully aware of how abnormal and unrealistic the past week has been. She is also probably embarrassed at her conduct.

60

“Forget it now, immediately, and don’t dwell on it” is still the best advice there is.

Yes. And stop checking to see if she is reading your messages. In fact, you should delete all those outgoing messages from your mailbox. Now.