AFG, I just opened the link to your pic. I have two words for you, and they’re both HUBBA!
We can safely say that the problem is not that you’re unattractive. The trip to the doc definitely sounds like a good step. With the meds, the depression, and the smoking with asthma, I’d bet good money that those factors are what’s contributing to the lack of drive. At least, I hope that’s it. As a couple folks have pointed out, lack of sex drive as a marriage progresses isn’t exactly an unknown phenomenon.
One thing-I noticed most of the side effects of Paxil wore off after a while. It’s possible that maybe because he’s not taking it regularly like he should, it’s not working right with his system.
Or something. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor, that’s just a guess I had.
I was going to suggest Wellbutrin until you said his doctor took him off of it because of heart palpitations. I’ve been on Wellbutrin for depression for years, and it makes all the difference in the world. Furthermore, I’ve experienced no decrease in sex drive. Hell, I’m still in the mood all. the. time. Bummer that he’s not able to take it. But different meds work for different people, so all you and he can do is keep trying.
If the issue is that he’s forgetting to take his meds, have him do what I do: Get a pill container that’s segmented by days of the week. Put two pills (or however many he’s supposed to take) in each day, and leave it on the bathroom counter. He’ll see it when he does his routine in the morning, and when he’s getting ready for bed at night. Voila, no more forgetting. Also, you will know whether he’s taking them or not.
You are beautiful. That face, the smile, the eyes, just beautiful. Sometimes when people post pics, people “just say that,” but I never ever lie and you are fabulous.
And I think people might be right about the Paxil. That stuff is bad news for the libido.
And if he is gay, maybe that’s the reason. You wouldn’t be the first gal not to know (pointing at self here).
I’m going to propose possibly a rather unpopular situation.
Your libidos will probably never align. My spouse and I are in that boat, I suspect more people then you’d ever expect suffer from mis-matched libidos. My palm is one of my better friends. She used to be upset about that, thinking it was wrong that she wasn’t providing for that, erm, need.
But here’s the thing. I was really upset about the situation for quite awhile. We discussed, came to an agreement where we end up getting more than she wants and less than I want.
Because occasionally frustrated WITH her is infinately more desireable than ANY situation WITHOUT her.
Really, it’s not his fault his libido isn’t an equal to yours, and over the years it’s entirely possible your roles will swap. I know my libido at 35 is a slim fraction of what it used to be at 22. I’m pretty okay with that, knowing that when we DO have time in our life go do the thing, it’s not half bad.
After checking the link, I can also safely say it’s not your looks.
Other than that I got nothing that has not been said here at least 10 times.
Good luck and warm thoughts are headed your way.
Firefox won’t open a JPG if it contains errors. AFG’s picture apparently does. So, what you can do is go to that page, View Source, and find the link to me.jpg in the source. Then, open that in Firefox. It won’t show, but you can “Save Page As…” and open the picture in the picture viewer of your choice.
She’s got a stunning smile.
A previous poster mentioned your husband possibly switching to Wellbutrin. I’d advise you to ask a doctor about that, especially because Wellbutrin is also marketed under the name Zyban as an anti-smoking drug. Kill two birds with one stone, eh?
I am not a doctor, pharmacist, and I smoke but have never tried Zyban. I’m just a guy who wants to help women everywhere get their jollies.
I’m not even suggesting this applies to the OP, but sometimes the lack of interest is due to the fact that there is someone else involved. In such a case, what is needed is a private dick [sup]Sorry, I could not resist.[/sup]
Does he do any regular vigorous exercise? If not, that (and cutting down the smoking as much as possible) will probably help both the libido and the depression.
I have to say: this really sounds like a good idea.
I met a lot of people who smoked and were depressed, and were put on Wellbutrin. They didn’t intend to stop smoking, but the meds made them cut way, way down. They said that not only did they not feel like smoking, but that cigarettes didn’t taste good anymore.
Coming in late here but my money is on masturbation. You see, its far easier to obtain sexual gratification from a quick jerk in the shower than to enter into what can sometimes become a “please the lady” marathon. For most women I know it is not as easy to have an orgasm than a man and you have to work for it. He may simply feel like it is a lot of work to make you feel good and decides to masturbate instead. So he has sex with you once or twice a month and then masturbates the rest of the time. Possible?
AFG - I had to chime in here, even though I’ve got different parts and my reason for not wanting sex was different…
The “Not thinking about it very much” and reassuring you he finds you attractive sounds VERY familiar to me. These are the very things I said to my ex SO when I was having pain with sex issues. However, I think I can extrapolate one thing.
When I didn’t want to have sex, and my SO came on to me or tried to initiate things, it made me feel guilty for not wanting it. So I would withdraw, thus making me want sex even less. It became an endless cycle, and after I dealt with the pain issues, I had to “work back up” to intimacy.
So here’s my bed side recommendation.
He’s not into sex, but you are, and that’s ok. I would talk to him about what you need and ask him if he’d be willing to make some accomadations in order to level the inequity between your desire levels. For example, he may not be into sex, but he may compromise and go down on you, give you a massage, use a toy on you etc. By easing back into it, he may become gradually more interested and then things might improve.
That, and I add my “me too” in for the SSRI’s screwing with his libido. Those things are killer, especially paxil.
I have noticed that my libido is higher now that I’m in my thirties than it’s ever been before - you may be experiencing this, AFG. It might not be that he’s losing libido, but you’re gaining it! (Or both.) I think it’s proof that God has a sense of humour - give men a sexual peak at 18, and women at 35.
Since everyone else has suggested just about everything else, I’m going to suggest that perhaps you, your husband and your vibrator can co-exist.
Would he be willing to - shall we say - be supportive while you satisfy yourself? This could become a little private game between the two of you. Start with him just watching, then maybe holding you, then “assisting” you. You’re putting no pressure on him, except for him just being there. Perhaps it will help bridge your need for sexual gratification and intimacy with his apparent inability to provide it.
That said, I’d definitely talk to his doctor about his medication, though.
[sup]Sorry, I could not resist.[/sup]